Off Cocaine, Day 1
 

I am 39 y/o. When I look back all those years, I was too often relying on the medication or drugs. Eaten too much food? Digestion pills. A little bit of headache? Tylenol. Can't go to sleep? Ambien. Bored? Cocaine...

I was a heavy drinker before I got married on 2010, however, I never touched a drug except for a few hits of weed during my graduate school year. After got my degree, I was successful professional, and founded my own firm. I am not a millionaire but financially stable and have a 20-month-old twins.

December - 14, I was on this random party, and a girl offered me a hit of weed. Knowing I hated the smell of pot, I refused it. She showed a bag of white powder and offered me a line of coke. Have always been curious and also bored in general about repetitious daily life, I tried it. But I was too drunk to feel anything. That girl offered me to keep the rest of the coke and asked $200. I simply had a attitude like "whatever." I took the bag, put it my brief case and forgot about it.


Having insomnia for several years, I go to bed late - like 2 am. But my wife and babies go to bed at around 9pm. I usually watch movies, check my busy emails, read books, play video games or etc for 3-4 hours and take Ambien to go to sleep.

But suddenly, I was too bored at nights. Everyone else in my family is sleeping and it's not that I can go out every night because my wife is just exhausted for taking care of twins during the day, and frequently needs me during the night.

About 11pm, 12/28/14, I realized I have "some" leftovers from the other night. I didn't even know how to make a line or chop the coke.

I thought about all those movies where people were snorting. I was able to manage to make a line with my Vons card, and snorted it.

Since then til now 3/29/15, I spent nearly $10,000 for doing the coke nearly every other day. I diligently did a lot of research and was glad to find that cocaine is not physically addictive. Maybe true. But it was that 'psychological addiction' that was so strong. I started to doing endless lines all night and go to work without sleep. Since I am the boss at the work with the big office room, I closed the door and told my secretary not to transfer any calls or visitors, told my associates that he could leave early, and keep doing the lines until I got home in the evening.

I tried to stay away from it for about 3 days (Friday thru Sunday), however, when I returned to work on Monday and confronted a stressful nature of my job, I sent the text to my dealer to bring the ball of the best stuff he can get.

I ended up doing the lines and working at the same time for the past few weeks.

I can notice my nose are being messed up. I don't see my friends as often as I used to. I lied to my wife about the diminished paycheck. I became more sexual when I was high - asked my female secretary to join me one day and almost slept with her in my office.

My tolerance was built up pretty crazy. A regular cut ball would not give enough high, and started to ask the dealer to bring only "uncut" coke for the higher price.

Yesterday, I was doing a line in the bathroom while my twins were playing in the living room ---- until 3am. But couldn't still feel the enough high. Left nostril started to give some bleeding but I used the other one. Finally got into the point "why am I doing this?"

I flushed out about a gram that was left on my ipad. Swore that I won't do it again. However, I know my drug-dependant personality and that severely stressful phone calls from the clients will give me another challenging craving.

Please help and provide me with some advice. It is that "mental" or "psychological" craving (thanks to all those scholarly articles for assessing "low" addiction liability to coke) that I cannot cope with. I researched virtually every drug-related forums and rehap sites for how-to. However, it is just hard to quit cold-turkey, or endure that very moment when I "need" coke.

Best,

From Los Angeles.

Keon, wow.

I am near your part of the world, same age too.

I just read a little about cocaine addiction and looked at a couple of abstracts. There seems to be a chance, perhaps 1 out of 10 people become addicted. Whether it is physical or psychological, it is addiction. I am sure you know that; you seem like pretty smart guy.

Does your wife know about your substance abuse? When you go through this, you have to have her support. I told my husband a couple of days ago that my drinking was much, much worse than he thought. It felt good to be honest.

Welcome to SR. I am only two weeks sober. Alcohol will be out of my life before I turn 40. I found that if I have cravings or a difficult moment, coming to this site has helped me a lot. I hope you do, too.

Welcome and Congratulations on day 1. It helps to have a plan. . It is great that you are here.
In the early days it helped me to throw everything at getting sober. Physically, mentally, emotionally, change everything.
In the hours you spend getting high have a plan what you are going to be doing and stick to it...try going a NA meeting...read up on AVRT or RR. Watch docos on addiction.
Make getting straightened out your priority...It helps....Take care.

Welcome Keon

Good job keon, please try not to go back. That stuff is evil.

Yup, that shiz just takes, takes, takes. Get a plan together. Lose the dealer's number (like block it cuz he will be calling YOU). Take a good look at all the coke "winners" out there (there aren't any). Best wishes on making it stick forever.

Welcome Keon. I don't know much about Coke, but i'm glad you are here and wish you the best of luck in beating this, and I hope SR can be of benefit to you. There is a forum here specific to substance abuse as well if you'd like to check it out.

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to the Forum Keon!! :wave:

Not to be the voice of doom or anything, but that amount of cocaine can kill you...suddenly...

The rapid acceleration of your addiction (and yes, that's what it is - a psychological addiction can be just as powerful as a physical one!) indicates to me that there is much happening in your life - stressors at work, with your family, with your new role as father, etc.

The most dangerous aspect of all this is that you have the financial resources to buy as much as you want, and that is how it becomes deadly. I think in some ways drugs are more dangerous for folks who have sizable incomes, rather than those who have to hustle for each hit...

You are already noting physical damage with the nosebleeds. You can do permanent damage there. Ultimately, your tolerance will continue to grow, and your nose will get more damaged, and you'll have to move on to other methods.

Drugs often have a quicker trajectory than alcohol - toward addiction, toward the loss of important things, toward jail, toward death.

Even the fact that you are using with employees at work and considering being unfaithful to your wife as a result of your cocaine use - you could destroy everything you have built in an instant!!

My drug of choice was cocaine. I am thankful to God that I was much younger and not professionally successful yet, or I would have had the financial resources to kill myself with it. I could never get enough. Never. Enough.

You have to quit. If you love the drug this much, you can't even consider cutting down or moderating. You do need to block your dealer's number. You likely will need help - whether that is in-patient treatment or outpatient treatment or even going to NA meetings. You are going to have to confess to your wife - you may be able to hide your addiction, but you won't be able to hide your recovery!

If you don't deal with this right now, you will have lost everything important to you by this time next year - if you are even still here at all!

I sense that you are from another place (you use words a teeny bit differently, as though English is not your first language). Another option, if you're not the kind of guy who can see himself going through treatment, might be to take your wife and children and go to your original place, where family can surround you and support you. I've known people who were able to get clean by re-locating to another country where they don't have any drug connections. I suspect you're going to answer that you can't leave your business. If you're doing that much coke, you've already abandoned your business psychologically! To save it, you have to quit, no matter how that plays out...

I wish you strength as you face this. You are in deep water, and there is only a short time that you'll be able to be strong enough to swim to shore. Start swimming!!

I do not know how to thank you for your valuable advice. This really woke me up again. I will keep you updated with my progress. Now it is day 2.

I am an alcoholic, 38, male, but have a history of coke binges to go along with the boozing. I couldn't keep up the coke for long because of the psychological side effects after a few days of use. Of course, the lack of sleep wasnt good but after a while I would get very paranoid and have panic attacks. Long term use will screw you up mentally, trust me. I've seen it with friends and people I met in rehab. Never mind the money or the fact that it's illegal, you will ruin your business and marriage if you continue. Has your wife not asked if your acting strange? Employees not giving looks? It will catch up to you. Professionals are particularly susceptible cuz of high stress and income to afford it.

hey Keon,

good for you for recognizing the situation.

day 1 off coke for you
day 2 off booze for me

someone wrote yesterday, simply don't take another drink.
for you simply don't do another line

it really is that simple
not easy
just simple

stay strong dude!

When I got clean I found a lot of support through attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

Keon, just out of curiosity, have lost a lot of weight in the last year?

Actually, I started only 3 months ago... My weight has been gone up and down, but I eventually lost only 5 lbs til today.

Sorry I must have misread your dates. Well, I'll give you my 2 cents. You've only been at it for 3 months, you've recognized there is an issue. It has escalated rather quickly correct? In fact, I appreciate your honesty as it can be tough to admit when talking about so called hard drugs. Try with all your might to stop. You went 39 years without it and did just fine. It is a dangerous drug especially if you're getting pure stuff. Cardiac arrest, dehydration, lack of sleep (unless you're taking Ambien to come down), loss of appetite, nasal problems, you get the picture.

Lastly, I'd be surprised if people didn't notice. They may not say anything to you, but if you've been around people tweaking, it pretty obvious. I wish you well.

Oh, and don't forget the high blood pressure that can give you a stroke. that's a fun one.

Excellent post, Heartcore.

Keon, that is probably the best advice you will receive. It is also the straight talk that you need.

Congrats on Day 2 :)

Thank you. Heartcore totally woke me up. And I will follow her/his valuable words.

Now it's 10pm, Monday. I could not focus while working and was very unproductive. Craving hit me at least 30 times during the day. Well, I got home safe without having to contact my dealer. Again, my wife and babies are sleeping now. I am just going to finish my works and will watch some coke addict doco. I from bottom my heart sincerely thank you all for your posts. - I cried only twice in my life (after highschool) - and I almost had my third event by looking at your supportive posts. I especially thank Heartcore. Thank you all