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Off Cocaine, Day 1

Old 03-30-2015, 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by keon2156 View Post
I am 39 y/o. When I look back all those years, I was too often relying on the medication or drugs. Eaten too much food? Digestion pills. A little bit of headache? Tylenol. Can't go to sleep? Ambien. Bored? Cocaine...

I was a heavy drinker before I got married on 2010, however, I never touched a drug except for a few hits of weed during my graduate school year. After got my degree, I was successful professional, and founded my own firm. I am not a millionaire but financially stable and have a 20-month-old twins.

December - 14, I was on this random party, and a girl offered me a hit of weed. Knowing I hated the smell of pot, I refused it. She showed a bag of white powder and offered me a line of coke. Have always been curious and also bored in general about repetitious daily life, I tried it. But I was too drunk to feel anything. That girl offered me to keep the rest of the coke and asked $200. I simply had a attitude like "whatever." I took the bag, put it my brief case and forgot about it.


Having insomnia for several years, I go to bed late - like 2 am. But my wife and babies go to bed at around 9pm. I usually watch movies, check my busy emails, read books, play video games or etc for 3-4 hours and take Ambien to go to sleep.

But suddenly, I was too bored at nights. Everyone else in my family is sleeping and it's not that I can go out every night because my wife is just exhausted for taking care of twins during the day, and frequently needs me during the night.

About 11pm, 12/28/14, I realized I have "some" leftovers from the other night. I didn't even know how to make a line or chop the coke.

I thought about all those movies where people were snorting. I was able to manage to make a line with my Vons card, and snorted it.

Since then til now 3/29/15, I spent nearly $10,000 for doing the coke nearly every other day. I diligently did a lot of research and was glad to find that cocaine is not physically addictive. Maybe true. But it was that 'psychological addiction' that was so strong. I started to doing endless lines all night and go to work without sleep. Since I am the boss at the work with the big office room, I closed the door and told my secretary not to transfer any calls or visitors, told my associates that he could leave early, and keep doing the lines until I got home in the evening.

I tried to stay away from it for about 3 days (Friday thru Sunday), however, when I returned to work on Monday and confronted a stressful nature of my job, I sent the text to my dealer to bring the ball of the best stuff he can get.

I ended up doing the lines and working at the same time for the past few weeks.

I can notice my nose are being messed up. I don't see my friends as often as I used to. I lied to my wife about the diminished paycheck. I became more sexual when I was high - asked my female secretary to join me one day and almost slept with her in my office.

My tolerance was built up pretty crazy. A regular cut ball would not give enough high, and started to ask the dealer to bring only "uncut" coke for the higher price.

Yesterday, I was doing a line in the bathroom while my twins were playing in the living room ---- until 3am. But couldn't still feel the enough high. Left nostril started to give some bleeding but I used the other one. Finally got into the point "why am I doing this?"

I flushed out about a gram that was left on my ipad. Swore that I won't do it again. However, I know my drug-dependant personality and that severely stressful phone calls from the clients will give me another challenging craving.

Please help and provide me with some advice. It is that "mental" or "psychological" craving (thanks to all those scholarly articles for assessing "low" addiction liability to coke) that I cannot cope with. I researched virtually every drug-related forums and rehap sites for how-to. However, it is just hard to quit cold-turkey, or endure that very moment when I "need" coke.

Best,

From Los Angeles.
I know the feeling all to well. You will have the psychological cravings for a long time, "but" they will lessen, slowly and subtly. You MUST continue your life almost as if you never tried it and just let it pass..its going to take work and courage!
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Old 03-30-2015, 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted by keon2156 View Post
Now it's 10pm, Monday. I could not focus while working and was very unproductive. Craving hit me at least 30 times during the day. Well, I got home safe without having to contact my dealer. Again, my wife and babies are sleeping now. I am just going to finish my works and will watch some coke addict doco. I from bottom my heart sincerely thank you all for your posts. - I cried only twice in my life (after highschool) - and I almost had my third event by looking at your supportive posts. I especially thank Heartcore. Thank you all

Tomorrow, it will hit 29..keep going and come back to report, Repeat. Get it?
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Old 03-30-2015, 10:23 PM
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Wow, Keon! I just read through this thread...

Welcome to SoberRecovery!

ANY time invested here is time well spent!
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Old 03-30-2015, 10:32 PM
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Thinking of you today...
I hope that you are being brave & clean! Bravely clean!
Sending you some strength from the Far North...
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Old 03-30-2015, 10:36 PM
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Welcome to SR!
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Old 03-31-2015, 07:13 PM
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how's it going today keon?
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:26 PM
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You can Google cocaine anonymous. Welcome to Cocaine Anonymous for information and meetings. I'm not into coke but when I was in treatment for alcohol a guy came to talk about cocaine anonymous.

Good luck. My husband is a crack addict. Dangerous stuff.
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:41 PM
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Hi Heartcore.

It's hard but I am here on Day 3. I was really unproductive and missed all the deadlines. However, I am still sober. Man, the craving continues.....
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
how's it going today keon?
Hey Thomas.

It is really hard. I almost lost a very big client for missing a important deadline, and got irritated for no big reason - yelling at my associates for no big reason...etc.

However, I am here staying sober.

Thanks for your support.
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:35 PM
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Keon,

You're doing great!

I wanted to ask...have you talked with your wife yet? I hope you have included her: honesty in sobriety is key; plus, you will need support and accountability.

I am amazed how quickly you have taken action. I am sure you will start feeling better within a week. It took me 10 days of abstinence to feel half human. I was extremely cranky, too.
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:27 AM
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The craving will keep lurking - just ignore it. Every time you ignore it, it becomes smaller and weaker...

Yes, you feel cranky & short tempered. Your brain has some actual healing to do! You will also feel dull & slow at times. Don't worry about any of it, just move through...

Eventually you'll need to get lots of sleep. Treat yourself with compassion, as though you were a small child lost in the woods for weeks without food - frightened, exhausted, starving. Eat food when you are able. Sleep when you have the opportunity. Drink water. Tuck yourself into bed with the children & take a nap...

This will all pass, and one day you wake up & are yourself again... It feels amazing, but it takes time. You almost don't notice right away, & then one day you suddenly think "hey, I feel good..."

Still thinking of you & sending good energy to you! You're doing it!!! Yaay!!
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Old 04-01-2015, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by keon2156 View Post
Hey Thomas.

It is really hard. I almost lost a very big client for missing a important deadline, and got irritated for no big reason - yelling at my associates for no big reason...etc.

However, I am here staying sober.

Thanks for your support.
Hey keon, it is very hard. But in my opinion it HAS to be done. Charlie Sheen is the only person on the earth I think that has done coke his whole life, is still alive and employable. How? no frickin idea.

Keep going bud.
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Old 04-01-2015, 05:55 PM
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Congrats Keon
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Old 04-01-2015, 06:13 PM
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Congrats and stay strong! Doing as much as you say I'd be surprised if you weren't feeling out of sorts right now but 3 days is great and you really will feel much better as the days go on. Just keep checking in and don't be afraid to seek other support from NA or a counselor if you could benefit from it. Sounds like you've got a lot to juggle right now, so come vent here whenever it's a much better stress reliever!

Welcome to the forum! Happy to have you. I'm sure your wife and kids will be happy, too.
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Old 04-01-2015, 06:18 PM
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Welcome. I am so glad you are here.

I had to give it all up to gain my sobriety.

Today I clean houses. I have some serious issues coming up, but still-I'm not using/drinking. It took me a long time to feel like I could do anything-I worked for a call center that did political surveys for the first few months of my sobriety. It really was low stress job for me. There was no way I could have done what I'm doing now. For me-it took what it took.

The biggest goal was to get and stay clean and sober. Somehow the rest, it got better. I still gave away my kids and my Ex but I'm slowly getting better. I never thought I'd be running my own business!

I was willing to go to any lengths.

You may not walk away with the same job, but maybe you can put some time between yourself and that last hit. You'll feel better slowly, but you may feel like crap for awhile. I found a Pdoc and an antidepressant. It's not ideal but it keeps me clean and sober.

I get some of my medical care from the VA-whenever I am feeling sorry for myself-I go down and sit in their atrium. It's a wake up call.
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:39 PM
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I am just checking in to say I am still here on day 4. Just having a crzay day...
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:59 AM
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Congrats on day 4 keon were here for you bud sorry your day is crazy
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:17 PM
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Help. Crazy waves of crazings...
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:22 PM
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STOP. you are darn right there are crazy crazings. Don't give in dude. Come on, you flirted with 3 months. Take a few deep breaths, thinks about your family and your business and move forward. I am Minnesota and we own some property in LA, I know how crazy it is. let them be crazy, not you. Hang in keon!
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:32 PM
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Hey man, 4 days is great! Remember, the cravings lessen with every day w/out. Don't cave--you made it this far. Congrats!
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