Always say "time to change" then I don't.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 12
Always say "time to change" then I don't.
(Hi - this is kind of long, so I understand if you don't want to read it. Short of it is that I'm new, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm scared. Thanks - MPV)
I've been saying variations of the phrase "it's time to change" for too long. For too long, I've been acting in ways that are unhealthy and that don't make me happy. The biggest problem of all for me has been my use of alcohol. I first started drinking more than my fair share when I was in my early twenties. Now, in my early thirties, I've had a really tough time quitting. I make many excuses: my Mom died recently, my work life is poor, or people have stressed me out and I deserve a drink to "relax." The problem with this line of thinking is that I seem to believe alcohol is actually making things better. That's definitely not the case.
Alcohol has made me lazy and complacent. It has caused me to gain a great deal of weight. Internally, I have the beginnings of fatty liver disease. Because alcohol is a depressant, I am often upset or moody - and the anxiety medication that I take doesn't work when I've been drinking. I lie and hide my drinking from others, and recently I've started drinking down the supply of the wine cabinet without even caring that I'll be found out. It's like alcohol has become more important than my sense of right and wrong. More important than my significant other, even. And that's scary.
I have not had good luck with AA. In 2012 I drank too much at a St. Patrick's Day party and I smashed into three parked cars, destroying my own. This resulted in a DUI charge, a night in lock-up and a later day in jail, plus ten grand in costs. After this event, I swore that I would change and that I would never let anything like this happen again. Of course, like most alcoholics, I found my way back to the bottle fairly quickly. I attended the obligatory AA meetings and I dutifully read my Big Book, but I also kept a bottle of "white out" in my desk so that I could change my sobriety date on the inside cover again, and again, and again...
I don't know what to do now. I want to find ways to control my drinking, but I am not sure that is possible. I would be okay with abstinence but saying no is not something I am good at. My SO has offered to remove all the alcohol from the house, but he isn't the one with the problem... I am. Why should I deny him the ability to enjoy a drink just because I can't safely do it?
Often there are more questions than answers and I find myself back to drinking again.
My Mom died in September. I know she wouldn't have wanted to see me this way. Of course when she was alive I lied to her about my continued drinking, and now that she is gone I feel bad about that. Still, her death hasn't caused me to change my habits (and what kind of a person does that make me?)
I recently read that it is important not to be too hard on yourself - the world is already hard enough. Still, I can't help but feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed by my behavior. I certainly don't feel like I am acting positively. At best, I'm one of a countless number of alcoholics in the world who need help with their sobriety and recovery. At worse, I continue to use alcohol as a crutch while I play the role of the victim. I want and need to change, but how? I've been saying I'd change for years, and I can't make it past a week or two without another drunk. What then should I do?
Thanks for reading,
MPV
I've been saying variations of the phrase "it's time to change" for too long. For too long, I've been acting in ways that are unhealthy and that don't make me happy. The biggest problem of all for me has been my use of alcohol. I first started drinking more than my fair share when I was in my early twenties. Now, in my early thirties, I've had a really tough time quitting. I make many excuses: my Mom died recently, my work life is poor, or people have stressed me out and I deserve a drink to "relax." The problem with this line of thinking is that I seem to believe alcohol is actually making things better. That's definitely not the case.
Alcohol has made me lazy and complacent. It has caused me to gain a great deal of weight. Internally, I have the beginnings of fatty liver disease. Because alcohol is a depressant, I am often upset or moody - and the anxiety medication that I take doesn't work when I've been drinking. I lie and hide my drinking from others, and recently I've started drinking down the supply of the wine cabinet without even caring that I'll be found out. It's like alcohol has become more important than my sense of right and wrong. More important than my significant other, even. And that's scary.
I have not had good luck with AA. In 2012 I drank too much at a St. Patrick's Day party and I smashed into three parked cars, destroying my own. This resulted in a DUI charge, a night in lock-up and a later day in jail, plus ten grand in costs. After this event, I swore that I would change and that I would never let anything like this happen again. Of course, like most alcoholics, I found my way back to the bottle fairly quickly. I attended the obligatory AA meetings and I dutifully read my Big Book, but I also kept a bottle of "white out" in my desk so that I could change my sobriety date on the inside cover again, and again, and again...
I don't know what to do now. I want to find ways to control my drinking, but I am not sure that is possible. I would be okay with abstinence but saying no is not something I am good at. My SO has offered to remove all the alcohol from the house, but he isn't the one with the problem... I am. Why should I deny him the ability to enjoy a drink just because I can't safely do it?
Often there are more questions than answers and I find myself back to drinking again.
My Mom died in September. I know she wouldn't have wanted to see me this way. Of course when she was alive I lied to her about my continued drinking, and now that she is gone I feel bad about that. Still, her death hasn't caused me to change my habits (and what kind of a person does that make me?)
I recently read that it is important not to be too hard on yourself - the world is already hard enough. Still, I can't help but feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed by my behavior. I certainly don't feel like I am acting positively. At best, I'm one of a countless number of alcoholics in the world who need help with their sobriety and recovery. At worse, I continue to use alcohol as a crutch while I play the role of the victim. I want and need to change, but how? I've been saying I'd change for years, and I can't make it past a week or two without another drunk. What then should I do?
Thanks for reading,
MPV
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome MPV 
yeah there's no point in being ultra-hard on yourself - it just makes it more likely we'll drink.
It is a lot easier to say it's time to change than change I agree.
I was ambivalent too - what I really wanted was a way to drink with no bad consequences or feelings.
I never found that way - but clinging to the dram made me give less than 100%.
In a way I'm very glad that my drinking got to the point where it was just untenable..because I wouldn't have the life I have now if I was still drinking.
Why not give it a go?
as for your husband - sure it's not his problem but he's making an offer, freely, and a gesture of support - it will definitely be easier for you.
Think about taking him up on the offer
If it annoys the addicted part of you to have no alcohol in the house. then you're on the right track
D
yeah there's no point in being ultra-hard on yourself - it just makes it more likely we'll drink.
It is a lot easier to say it's time to change than change I agree.
I was ambivalent too - what I really wanted was a way to drink with no bad consequences or feelings.
I never found that way - but clinging to the dram made me give less than 100%.
In a way I'm very glad that my drinking got to the point where it was just untenable..because I wouldn't have the life I have now if I was still drinking.
Why not give it a go?
as for your husband - sure it's not his problem but he's making an offer, freely, and a gesture of support - it will definitely be easier for you.
Think about taking him up on the offer
If it annoys the addicted part of you to have no alcohol in the house. then you're on the right track
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
Hello MVP,
Familiar story. Knew for quite a while that I had a problem just couldn't let go. You don't need to be a victim and you don't need to be hard on yourself. You need to muster up some courage and self respect and take care of yourself. If you can't resist the booze in your house by all means get rid of it. Your here so it sounds like your ready for a change. I know it's hard to see now but once you can get past the initial shock to your system, you'll wonder why you obsessed over it so much.
You can do this!
Familiar story. Knew for quite a while that I had a problem just couldn't let go. You don't need to be a victim and you don't need to be hard on yourself. You need to muster up some courage and self respect and take care of yourself. If you can't resist the booze in your house by all means get rid of it. Your here so it sounds like your ready for a change. I know it's hard to see now but once you can get past the initial shock to your system, you'll wonder why you obsessed over it so much.
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
"I have not had good luck with AA."
Unfortunately luck doesn’t work with alcohol until it’s eliminated from our body awhile.
AA is just about guaranteed to work IF we want to stop and stay stopped drinking THEN follow the ways of the program. Unfortunately too many fail for many reasons including being undisciplined and or being self centered and wanting to drink more than being sober.
We have choices in life and the wrong ones here lead us to a very miserable life full of losses.
BE WELL
"I have not had good luck with AA."
Unfortunately luck doesn’t work with alcohol until it’s eliminated from our body awhile.
AA is just about guaranteed to work IF we want to stop and stay stopped drinking THEN follow the ways of the program. Unfortunately too many fail for many reasons including being undisciplined and or being self centered and wanting to drink more than being sober.
We have choices in life and the wrong ones here lead us to a very miserable life full of losses.
BE WELL
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
welcome MVP
Great step in finding and logging on to SR, post, read, ask and check back often tons of support here and everyone 'gets' it
My first time here I saw mention of RR and AVRT(there is a really good collection of threads in the secular connections forum here) , reading that material resonated with me and became a huge game changer.
It helped me to see the first and biggest thing I needed to change was my idea that future drinking was an option or at worst an inevitability. It need not be and without it I would be free to work on other changes in my life.
wish you well and hope to see you around
Great step in finding and logging on to SR, post, read, ask and check back often tons of support here and everyone 'gets' it
My first time here I saw mention of RR and AVRT(there is a really good collection of threads in the secular connections forum here) , reading that material resonated with me and became a huge game changer.
It helped me to see the first and biggest thing I needed to change was my idea that future drinking was an option or at worst an inevitability. It need not be and without it I would be free to work on other changes in my life.
wish you well and hope to see you around
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. Hope you decide to become an active member.
Your rationale is you do not want to deny your SO the enjoyment of drinking, but what you are doing is allowing your addiction access to alcohol. He offered to remove it. If you are serious about quitting, you'll accept his offer. This is just one of the things you can do to support your decision.
And avoid any social occasion where there is alcohol. It's easier to say "No" when there is no alcohol around.
Good luck.
Originally Posted by MPV 
My SO has offered to remove all the alcohol from the house, but he isn't the one with the problem... I am. Why should I deny him the ability to enjoy a drink just because I can't safely do it?
And avoid any social occasion where there is alcohol. It's easier to say "No" when there is no alcohol around.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 12
Thank you for the warm welcomes! I'm sorry it's taken me a couple days to respond. I have been alcohol free since Monday, and "so far, so good." I absolutely agree that you have to want this more than you want the drink. For a lot of people that would be an easy decision - not for a drinker like me! But, I'm hoping I can keep this up for awhile longer.
Looking forward to contributing here.
Many blessings,
MPV
Looking forward to contributing here.
Many blessings,
MPV
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by MPV
I absolutely agree that you have to want this more than you want the drink. For a lot of people that would be an easy decision - not for a drinker like me! But, I'm hoping I can keep this up for awhile longer.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
MPV, we do understand how hard this is. And, many/most of us here have tried moderating our drinking. It doesn't work for alcoholics. Abstinence is really so much easier.
Good for you for being sober since Monday. That's a great start and we're here to offer support as you continue on your recovery journey.
Good for you for being sober since Monday. That's a great start and we're here to offer support as you continue on your recovery journey.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by MPV
Thank you for the warm welcomes! I'm sorry it's taken me a couple days to respond. I have been alcohol free since Monday, and "so far, so good." I absolutely agree that you have to want this more than you want the drink. For a lot of people that would be an easy decision - not for a drinker like me! But, I'm hoping I can keep this up for awhile longer.
Looking forward to contributing here.
Many blessings,
MPV
Looking forward to contributing here.
Many blessings,
MPV
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