youngladysober2

ve been having some issues trying to make everyone to believe I'm never going to drink again. I've had enough with the problems alcohol gives me but my boyfriend and my mom are struggling with the idea that I won't drink again. I feel like my boyfriend is at his limit and I'm scared of losing him. We were talking about getting engaged but that has all been put to hault.

What have you guys done to prove your serious about your sobriety to your loved ones that you have let down?

Della1968

Give them time. You have to build the trust back up. Work on you.

Anna

Many of us have to deal with this issue, and there's not really much you can do except show them with your actions. And, it will take time. You will need to have patience and to focus on recovery. It will all work out as it is meant to.

brynn

Unfortunately, it takes time to rebuild trust.
You can start by doing what you say you're going to do, and being where you say you're going to be......get to work on time, be financially responsible, take care of your things and yourself, be considerate of others. Be consistent and in time, you can earn their trust back.

MIRecovery

Sober time is what you have got to give as well as them seeing you work an active program of recovery. I sought professional help and went to about 300 AA meetings my first year. I made huge changes in my life. My loved ones saw through my actions and not my words that I was serious about staying sober.

My advice is to talk a lot less and do a lot more

youngladysober2

Thanks guys. I'm just feeling a little lost on what to do. Thanks again.

Della1968

I think we as addicts are used to instant gratification and life doesn't work that way. Just keep doing the next right thing.

MIRecovery

Might be a good question to ask the group as another post. Something like, "What concrete actions can I take that will show the loved ones in my life that I am serious about staying sober."

Soberwolf

Welcome YLS

I agree with Anna's post

EndGameNYC

Trust is the first thing we lose and the last thing we get back.

We can't talk anyone into trusting us any more than we can talk someone into loving us. As many have commented, it's our actions, the potential we show for growth and progress as human beings that makes the difference. Very often, additional promises to remain sober and to be a better person only further infuriates those we've harmed.

I turned too many good people into suspicious, doubting, and frustrated individuals who lost all confidence in me. One or two into possible homicidal maniacs. Not meaning to get all biblical, but as we sew, so shall we reap.

Gottalife

A lot must depend on the history of your behaviour and the consequences for others. Are there unacknowledged or unhealed injuries for example.

I had a family member, non alcoholic, who caused a massive amount of damage to my family, our business at a time we were going through a very tough patch, my wife was dying.

I forgave her quite quickly. It doesn't seem to be in my nature to hang on to resentment anymore. But she has never acknowledged the harm she did, has ever shown any contrition or intention to change her behaviour. As long as that situation exists ther can be no restoration of trust, no true reconciliation. So I forgave her but I am not a fool. I will never allow her to be in the position where she could do the same thing again, and she has given me no reason to believe she wouldn't.

In fact another situation is developing which affects my children, but not me directly, where the same motivations are becoming apparent again. This is eight years later. There is some wisdom behind the idea that a leopard does not change its spots. People often take a lot of convincing.

esinger

As all others have said it takes actions and time. Almost 30 months in and the results of my actions are slowly panning out. My daughter is the last one that is slowly coming around. She was the only child I had left that was at home when I really slid off the edge. I'm sure the wife will always be on alert. Time heals all wounds but only if you don't keep reopening them.
It'll get better. Just have lots of patience. Oh...and don't drink!

Dee74

A friend of mine in the Family and Friends board here always said 'my forgiveness and my trusting you again is on my timetable not yours'.

That's hard for us on this side of the fence to hear but I think it's the truth.

Try and be patient - and remember actions speak way louder than words here. If you consistently *show* you've changed, those we love will respond to those changes

D

SoberLife90

Just keep staying sober day after day. Don't hang out with the same people at the same places. No bars. Keep moving forward in life. Do things that will keep you sober. AA, whatever support groups you have. I heard someone say in a meeting "you need to change everything but your name" lol. That isn't entirely true but it can be! I know the life I used to live was messed up. Nobody in their right mind would ever do this stuff...well I wasn't in my right mind. I changed 180 degrees. You can do it!

Just take it one day at a time.

Brauggi

So many great responses here. I almost posted the exact same thing the other day because I was irritated at my wife because of an offhand remark that she made that I, at the time, felt minimalized some of the personal growth I have undergone and the length of my sobriety. I stewed on that for a little while, but I realized it has only been four months and I know I didn't just spend four months lying about my drinking and making an ass of myself; I really spread that one out over a period of a couple years.

I think Della nailed it when she said we crave instant gratification and I Loved what Dee said about it being on their timetable, not ours. I just know that the only thing that I can do is live every day sober and make sure I am the best husband, father, son, sibling, etc., that I can be and I think everything else should start to fall into place from there. I would love that process to happen quickly, but I know that, for a long while at least, I should expect to get a look or some questions when I act overly tired, or overly giddy, or stumble over a word when I am talking.

FeelingGreat

YLS, I'm so glad you're committed to sobriety. Concentrate 100% on staying sober because there are all sorts of traps out there, even for the long-term sober.

You may even get some negative comments from others, but strangely that often shows they're starting to believe in you, and finally feel free to get some stuff off their chests. Don't take it personally.

You stay on track, with full commitment and the relationships will look after themselves in time. The huge bonus is you'll feel great about yourself to (see my online name).

youngladysober2

I totally understand his indecision and my mother's anger. I would be angry too if I was in their shoes. I think Della your are correct I just want everyone to be happy and forgot what I have done and move on but I know that it doesn't work like that. It's really hard to see the people you love in pain or question your character. This disease makes me feel sometimes I'm two different people. The person I am when I'm sober and the person I am when I'm drunk. They are completely different people. And it's hard when people have given up on the sober you...like the sober you doesn't exist...hope that makes sense. I need to be more patient...with myself...and the people who care about me...

Gardennerd

I'm in the exact same situation youngladysober2. I can at least say that it's much better than it was 2 months ago, but she won't say I love you yet. It hurts, but all I can do is show her with actions and sobriety.

Frixion

Thank you so very much for this post. This evening I have been struggling BADLY with reasons to stay sober, and reading this reminded me of why staying sober is so so important. To allow others to heal from the damage I have done I have to show them I have changed.

MythOfSisyphus

I expect you didn't lose their trust and respect overnight, so you won't get it back overnight, either. Like Dee said, forgiveness and trust will come on their timetable, not necessarily the timeframe you would like.

In the meantime, start doing what you can to mend fences and build bridges. Pose the same question to your family that you asked us. Acknowledge what you've done and demonstrate that you understand where they're coming from. Ask them what you can do to prove to them your change is real this time.

Lastly, understand that the only thing you can control is yourself. You might as well wish the weather into submission that you can expect to will someone into loving and trusting you. Do the work, and give them time to come around.