alphaomega

Not proud.

Not going to drink because I know damn well I don't have another recovery in me. I never knew what that meant until this time.

But I'd be lying if I said this was easy. Not easy. Not today.

Counting my blessings, as I feel grateful to be cooking a lovely meal on a cold Sunday, but darn it, if it wouldn't feel nicer with 8 or so glasses of Chardonnay.

shame, shame.

sillysuzanfree

I still feel that way sometimes...chardonnay was my drink too...it wouldn't feel better with 8 or so glasses though (the amount I used to drink as well)...I'd wake up tomorrow, bloodshot, looking like crap, beating myself up and probably unable to get anything I need to done!

Hang in there...

silentrun

I'm thankful you are back here AO. No shame in struggling. Sometimes it is a push you right to the edge struggle.

Hawkeye13

I get this better than I should right now

Hugs AO--I get how stark all this feels sometimes--Just want to turn the brain off for awhile and have good wine with dinner.

It will pass, and you will be stronger

RobbyRobot

(((Alpha)))

You got to throw out that useless romancing of the drink, okay girl??!!
No upside to that kind of wishful thinking, as you already know.

So, what got you into that kind of mind set? Did it just come up on its own, or can you trace it back to something specific?

Hey, a lot of us here believe in YOU.

EndGameNYC

Sorry about your day, Alpha.

I went through the same thing daily for about the first ten months of my sobriety, and I needed all the help and support I could stand to get through it. Your current feelings won't last forever. Probably not nearly as long as ten months, at least not in the same way.

Nowadays, when I think about alcohol or about drinking, those thoughts don't carry the emotional weight that they once did. Time is both important and precious. Thoughts about drinking at some time in the future or under certain conditions (e.g., if someone close to me were to suffer greatly or die) are now extremely rare and dissipate quickly without a struggle.

When you get through such things more or less completely, you'll look back (though only occasionally) and wonder at the person you once were and who you are becoming.

aasharon90

Im not sure where you are in your
spiritual recovery process, but for
me when thoughts of poison enter
my mind, I have to emmdiately
get rid of it. It does me no good
to romanticize or day dream about
it, because it just aint gonna work.

I learned the Serenity Prayer and
memorized it to say as often as I
have to in order for those unwanted
drinking thoughts pass me by.

As long as alcohol is not in my
home to quickly reach for it when
im weak, then im safe and can
go about my business cooking,
baking, gardening, etc.

Stay strong.

alphaomega

Thanks pal.

Not sure. Maybe it's that I actually feel pretty good today ? Took care of mom all morning, even drove !! Depression seems at bay today too and not feeling sickly or anxious.

Haven't had the chance to cook for my family on a Sunday for quite some time. Just nostalgic I suppose.

I want to stomp on this thought process right now but it keeps peeking around the corner.

I'm thinking, "Go pound sand AV, do you know ho hard I worked to get to almost 90 days ?

Bmac

Without difficult days, we would never grow stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If there were no challenges in sobriety, everyone would stay sober for the rest of their lives. Face the tough times head on, allow your emotions to go where they may, feel whatever feelings that happen to show up, but simply don't quit and drink.

You're a champion!

courage2

Hi AO -- sorry to hear you're having a rough evening, but I think even teetotalers have those nights when just doing whatever-they-do-that-zones-them-out sounds good.

Nothing wrong with wanting to unwind after a successful day. You just need to learn new ways to do it. And fully understand that those are the best of all possible ways for you now.

I think for me, sometimes, drinking was like mentally diving into a deep pool. It washed anxiety and remorse from my mind. In the end, of course, it replaced them with this horrible void of utter despair -- I don't forget that. So I don't go back there. But I need a new pool to clean my mind.

Where are you looking for release?

Della1968

Glad you posted! You've got this. I believe in your strength.

RobbyRobot

You know friend, in my early daze of sobriety, every time I would feel good about myself I would count my blessings, and no sooner did I take my inventory on how well things were working out didn't I then also feel totally overwhelmed too?? Damn right I did, because it was just so unreal that I was staying sober, you know??!!

Yeah, I hear you. You may want to try to just think on something you could work on that is relatively easy to do for your sobriety but is still worthy enough for the doing - something important, but easy, okay? For me, that really brought things into a better perspective, a more honest balance with myself. As I got into it more, drinking thoughts were pushed out and away from my mindfulness.

Hey, you're all that friend.

Hevyn

Hi AO. You did a good thing by talking about the temptation. I always mis-remembered how fun it was. In the end, it was anything but. Yet I'd fantasize about how lovely it would feel to have 'a few'. No it wouldn't - I'd end up drunk, stupid, and miserable - filled with regret. Glad you didn't cave.

EndGameNYC

It occurs to me that perhaps your newer, calmer, more centered self is fair game for your alcoholism, if only because you've apparently never been drinking while just feeling okay, or better, for a period of time?

Verte

AO, I have not been able to sauté butter in olive oil, garlic, shallots or onions, stir fry, pan sear pork tenderloin etc. for the past 11 months now. Do not underestimate your bodily response to the ritual of preparing a Sunday meal.

I am so glad that you reached out on this bad day of yours.

alphaomega

I've felt so poor, during this entire period of sobriety, between the initial detox hell through the last few months of PAWS coupled with my personal life, that I haven't even wanted to really REALLY drink since I got sober on 1/2/15.

I'm rarely triggered when the going gets rough. It's when I feel the sun peeking through the clouds that is dangerous territory. Fortunately, I've read horror stories about drinking on Lexapro including, projectile vomiting without warning, blackouts after 2 drinks, insanely crushing depression and anxiety, amongst other pleasantries like the SSRI not working for days thereafter.

No thanks.

But dang, friends, just dang today.

Aellyce

I'm like you in that I usually wanted to drink when things were going good, or when I felt excited, to amplify it further. This, or just wanting to control my reactions chemically (eg. sleep when I did not feel like it etc). Adversary and especially acute stress, and crisis was hardly a trigger for me.

I really like how you reacted to this urge today: you posted about it before acting on it, and are vigilant about how drinking now might cause even more or new kinds of disruptions compared with your old patterns. Way to go, AO

Well, stuff yourself with the results of your cooking project and let those urges vanish to hell! Eating was always the best remedy for me to treat acute cravings.

Kaneda8888

Work through it , AO ! Be present now and let the feelings flow away ! Nostalgia is a delusion of past events to be honest. Bring yourself back to the here and now. Enjoy your meal with family. B R E A T H E

alphaomega

Bellys full. Crisis averted.

Heartfelt lt thanks to all who posted and sent good thoughts.

You guys really got my back. And I'm so grateful.

Dee74

Lies damned lies
It's like selling your soul AO, glass by glass.

These testing moments are measured by your response. You didn't cave. You identified that 'all is well' trigger.
That's a great response.

Having said that, you've been missed around here lately. Plug yourself in here again, maybe?

D