Berrybean

Stratman, have you tried doing a 12-Step programme?

I'm doing it through AA and think it's helping me deal with childhood and adolescence demons more effectively that 1:1 counselling did, and I've recently noticed online that 12-step programs are also being adapted and used specifically with people who have survived abusive and disfunctional childhoods apart from alcohol.

Sorry if you've already said if you do / don't / have / haven't tried it. My memory's not great.

Hope today's better.

Berrybean

Hey Turtle - just listening to this, and it helped me understand a bit more about that prayer and how / why it works for us (and is also quite funny).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UY9LnFVxotU

GracieLou

At some point we have to decide if we are going to allow the past to define us or the present.

I have chosen the present. The past might have gotten me were I was but it didn't have to keep me there, I had a choice to move forward.

Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you forget, it does not mean you trust the person again or that you have to allow them to remain in your life. Forgiveness is so you can move on. Even if you don't feel it, you can say it and sometimes it comes on us over time, that is how it was for me and it allowed me to move on.

Doesn't mean it still does not haunt me at times, I have not forgotten, but I can set it down today and go on. I don't have to carry it around all the time. Picking it back up is a choice just the same as setting it back down. I hope I get to the point that I never feel the need to pick up those past feelings again but in the mean time, I keep moving forward with my program and my life.

I only get one life. I don't want live it re-living the past, I can't change it. I can only live for today.

Spacegoat

Well I have been thinking of this thread a lot since, much as I have tried to take a break from it. Heannie you are right, we did speak about this. And I have often gone down that mode of thought but right now its sending me into a bad spin, too much going on for me now.

I have done the forgiveness things so many times. Never spoke about it, and yet I always find myself back in the same old situations. Perhaps I should break some of these things down into smaller threads, this is my real merry go round. Drink and drugs are coping mechanisms.

Same for you GracieLou. Have done it so many times. I have forgiven each of my parents, silently, so many times and yet they keep doing the same things to me man. Same goes for my so-called ex partner. So it feels like there is no hope left. I don't have anywhere left to turn now.

I sought help for almost a decade. Ended up in rehab/inpatient then, personally I would say that things were gone too far by that stage. Never got any help from the system after that, only hassle. Yes I'm just weak, I know. Theres a reason I was using alcohol to power up and face the world.

Spacegoat

I do agree with you though GracieLou. Just kinda 'Bleh' lately. I'm glad you are happy.

I thought about your comment after that Troy. I can relate. It's similar to what Dee said too.

And PK. Yep, I agree. And thanks for those. Trying to catch up here this thread has given me headaches

Aellyce

This is a side track, but I just wonder... Strat, are you doing some things out sometimes, just for fun? Simple ordinary things. Things that could distract you from all these problems and contemplations. Dunno what you like... Some live music perhaps? To treat the headaches

Spacegoat

Um, no haennie. I been living like a hermit for over a decade now. I've only broken out a few times to go drinking downtown binging when I was sufficiently manic enough and tired of drinking on my own, and just life in general.

I can't see it doing much for my anxiety. I'm not for ready to face I was relying on booze a long time for that. Had to psyche myself up for the last 3 court appearances and feeling deflated since. I been relying on the internet for 'fun' but.

I'm kinda ruminating about the time I was in rehab as I found a letter that somebody wrote me then. That was a good chance to turn my life around in a holistic way, anyway I blew it. I was too immature to see that, I dunno. I was 24 or 5

Aellyce

Yeah, you see? I am very familiar with that hermit existence from some of my drinking times. It seems the "most comfortable" thing to do in the moment, but in reality, it does not lead anywhere good. Maybe I'm wrong, but you don't strike me as a person who can be happy and content in isolation. And of course, the internet is the easiest "place" to go to, but it can never replace real human interaction for those of us who need it. Of course no surprise we go crazy having nothing and no one around to interact with other than the virtual world and our thoughts and fantasies.

I'm also not the kind of person who is very interested in going out just to hang out with people and socialize, unless the people are good friends, or people who share some interests with me, so the activity is related to that interest. But then I love to go and typically really enjoy it. Doing things out I'm interested in alone is also perfectly good.

I recall having all those fantasies many years ago to just take off, leave everything about "normal life" behind, and go somewhere to live as a Buddhist nun. Spend my time studying, writing, meditating, and thinking fantastical thoughts. Luckily I rejected that crazy idea... I really don't have the makeup of a nun or someone who could ever live in serious isolation in peace and contentment.

I know how hard it is to break the ice at first, but once you do it, everything becomes much easier and I think those problems and resentments would carry much less weight compared with a state when you do little else but ruminate on them, and on what could be.

That chance to turn your life around is perfectly in your hands anytime if you choose to grab it and run with it. So much more efficient to create these chances than waiting for something to fall on us, maybe every other decade. Just food for thought, if you have not been thinking enough yet

Soberwolf

Strat have you joined a sober class for your month & year ?

Spacegoat

I was relatively very happy to live in peace like that, and fully recover from my clinical depression through a combination of working through these lifelong issues (my ex picked up on that, issues) and I suppose creative musical type projects.

Up until the local authorities began taking the roof from over my head. It wasn't exactly theirs to take but hey thats another story. I don't cope so well with stress anymore. Sounds like you are suggesting a type of brush yourself off and carry on type of thing.

I can't argue with that, at the same time there has to be some reasons why I have steadily been becoming depressed and anxious since the age of about 10 or so and I would really like to get to the root of it. Otherwise I will continue to carry that baggage around as I have always done.

I just can't F'n do it anymore. I don't want no piece of it. I'm really not that big of a social animal when you take the drink away, not surprisingly. I'm a good actor though seemingly. What you suggested as an alternative to 'normal life' sounds absolutely freaking awesome. Like a dream!

The only type of normal life I know of is something very forced and fake, I'm not speaking for anyone else either. I have tried to find inner and outer peace, I'm actually not the angry egomaniac that people like to suggest (then again I shouldn't be focusing on what other people think I know). Anyway.

I realize my earlier posts were a bit whiney. I do not want to fall into a victim type mentality. I have fought hard against that (went a bit too far even). It would be easy, its the modus operandi of the rest of my family but. Hey Beccybean thanks, I will reply later thats enough for me from one nite ugh…

Spacegoat

Em, don't think so soberwolf. Not sure dude. My sober date is 23/12/14

I dunno haennie I'm bit confused at the moment. I just wanna live in peace is all.

It's so much easier said than done. Forgot to say also that I'm having a few bad days

(or weeks, months, years, decades- punctuated by a handful of amazing times) but just bad days again

Soberwolf

Here you go Strat its the thread for ppl who got sober in december 2014

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-18-a-25.html

Spacegoat

Why did you suggesting posting in F & F anyways was wondering??

Hey sleepy thanks for that. Victim blaming, you hit the nail on the head. It's sickening. My mother is the worst. I don't know how to deal with this man I will never get over it. I don't know why I'm even trying now

Aellyce

Was this targeted at me? If so, because you seem to have so much to discuss about your family members (mother and ex at least) and how your relationship with them caused and still causes difficulties. I think there are many discussions over there that are centered on similar behaviors and effects that you are experiencing, not necessarily only with F&F that had substance abuse problems, just abusive and otherwise difficult ones. Many of the members of the forums seem not only experienced but also very knowledgeable as to the nature if the issues and relationships.

Littlebear

Stratman hello. Sorry to come into the thread so late on. I've been reading along with you all, but felt there was so much good advice being given, I'd only be repeating... But well..here i am...

It does sound like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry about that. I also recognise a lot from my own life about abusive childhood and how that can really make the getting through life especially tough. Like othealright this thread have already let you know about themselves, I too had to give up my family to 'survive', and 20+ years on... i still have pain about that, but i wouldnt change it - ever. I am still having difficulty - why I'm a member of this forum...but I wouldn't change my decision about leaving my family behind. But ...thats something you need to work out for yourself...

I wondered of you'd tried finding a 'good' therapist? Other things can help, i know...but finding someone who can really 'get you' might be something to try? And even if you have tried, maybe try again? You know, creating for yourself a regular time every week you knew you could go to someone you trust to be heard/accompanied through some of the really difficult pain in your life?

I can see you're in Ireland. There's some good mindfulness based Core Process therapists there - not many, but some. Ttrained at depth in working through a lot of heavy childhood trauma but integrating it into living in the moment/getting through our life in the present. They're usually private so you pay, but If money's a problem, try finding one that is still a student. These type of therapists train for many years 4/5 (not just 1/2 as normal) before they start even seeing clients...so already experienced and wont charge you...and, they offer long-term work. Just a thought....

It's all such a bugger, Stratman...what crap parenting (or worse) bequeathes some of us... I send my wishes through the ether towards helping you get through...x

Spacegoat

My mother has psychologically tortured me badly over the last few years guys

Let alone trying to figure out my childhood, that seems like a luxury now.

This is bad. Really really bad. Really really really bad. It's totally bad.