Help please
 

Right now my situation feels hopeless. I'm almost 50 and have been nothing but a mom for all of my adult life. I have no college education or skills. Honestly, I love my husband and try so hard to be a good wife, but I think he is very controlling and maybe even emotionally abusive. Tonight he called me an insubordinate bitch because I spent $20 extra dollars without asking permission (he makes $120,000 a year but I am on a strict budget). I always pay him back from my household budget if I happen to need an extra $20 or $40 a month. I feel shame and guilt for not being a good wife. And I also feel a little like it is unreasonable? I could use some insight I guess because I'm starting to feel crazy. He yells at me. Calls me horrible names. I can't do anything right. I'm walking on eggshells. And I have a problem with depression and alcohol, and have lupus. So I'm a mess anyway. I can't get divorced because with my lupus and no education and only being a mom of 4 for 26 years I have no skills to offer and no way to support myself. But he is an alcoholic too, even tho he doesn't see it, and staying in this situation truly takes at least 2 to 3 glasses of wine a night. If I leave, I'll be homeless. And my youngest son graduates next year. If I stay, I will continue to die inside a little more each day. Or the amount of alcohol I have to drink to cope will kill me. I keep trying to find a balance. Just a little alcohol. Enough to cope. But I drink to blackout. I do back flips to please him and be a good wife but he gets so drunk and mean. Things he says and does can't be taken back. I feel hopeless. No matter which stance I take I will ultimately die somehow. How can I get sober under these conditions? Please help me.

Sounds to me like that's not a great situation Eliasson.

The bottom line truth is tho - nothing can change until you stop drinking.
I know it's rough when alcohol seems like the only thing that makes the unbearable bearable.

Drinking was the way I tolerated my crappy little life.

Somethings should not be tolerated, I think. Getting sober and staying that way will give you a clearer head and more settled emotions to help you decide what you want :)

D

Hi it sounds like an upsetting situation.
You're seeing all the flaws and problems if you leave..
Stop drinking first and we can guarantee that within 2 weeks you will feel and see everything properly.

Id guess things might feel more painful but that's good because change is neccessary and pain is the best motivator.. Concentrate on the benefits of change.. Things WILL work out :)

Hi Eliasson.

I'm about to go to sleep, but I just wanted to weigh in with you.

What you've described is an extremely unbalanced relationship in which there are many reasons to feel hopeless, and in which there is serious abuse and neglect. What you're going through is real, and there are things you can do to get yourself to a better place. Feelings of hopelessness are often the beginning of finding a way towards a solution.

You made a great decision to share your struggles here on SR, and I'm certain you'll get a great deal of support, though this isn't the "busiest" time of day here.

There is hope, and as Dee mentioned, and unless you're in immediate danger, the first thing to do is work on getting sober.

For now, I hope you find your way.

Thank you so much to everyone for responding to me. I'm scared and crying and don't know what the future holds. Thank you especially Dee for ALWAYS being there through my years of trying to get sober and never giving up on me. All of you here truly give hope where I think there is none. I've tried hard for a long time. The place I always come back to is SR. Really the only hope I hold for a better future is because of the encouragement and support you give me. My hope is to one day be healthy enough to be supportive of others instead of just so needy. For now I'd love to just get sober and stay sober. Thank you

Elliason,

You need to create a future for yourself, and I have no doubt that you will be needing to look for resources for help. But all you really need now is to take that first step and that is to get yourself together and that is to stop drinking.

I believe you can do this Eliasson :)

D

That's what SR is here for, Eliasson! Support and friendship are the only things actually increase the more we give them away.:ring

Just as a side note, you won't be homeless if you leave him. You would get half of everything after 26 years and four kids.

I'm terrified. I could lose everything. But It can't be more painful than what is happening now.

Being needy is great.. SR is key to maintaining my sanity and sobriety to the best of my ability ;)

I think Melinda got it straight too with respect to financial and even housing matters.. More than half id suspect.. However the way forwards is your decision but from your story it sounds like a very upsetting and abusive situation at the moment.

Good luck and a big hug and please keep posting.

hi Eliasson, very nice of you to open up. It sounds as if your situation is pretty bad. Just because you don't have a college degree and raised 4 kids doesn't mean you don't have skills. Start by getting sober, and go from there. This is coming from a guy who had a thread closed earlier today because I was drinking. Stay Strong.

Hi. Sometimes things don't work out the way we thought they would and we deserve better.

My only advice (And I know where you are coming from) is to start a journal so you can see the patterns and your responses over time, make a plan to be a good woman to you and know your rights. Share none of this with friends and family until you are ready. Take 6 months, take a year to watch and learn from how you live your life and how others treat you.

You can't make any decisions when your drunk and uninformed.

Only you can treat you better. This is your life.
Nothing to do with him.

Plan for change and things will start to improve. Without a plan nothing changes.

Mothers grow and nurture children who then grow up and hopefully teach others the good things they learnt growing up. Never belittle the work you have done in setting four people up for life.

Take care.

Your situation reminds me of when I was a kid, brought up in a very abusive situation. I remember one day seeing my mother standing at the top of the stairs with a rifle pointing it at my father who was going up the stares to beat her up again. She was already a mess, her dress all torn up from his beating her up earlier. He stopped dead in his tracks, and walked out of the house. It was a long time ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. They divorced soon after.
My mother never finished high school, but managed to find low paying jobs to support us three kids. She got little financial support from my father. To this day, I don't know how she found the courage to do this, but I guess she reached a point where she just couldn't put up with it anymore.
Your situation sounds worse because drinking wasn't a factor in all of this, but you also have the advantage of knowing you should get a good financial settlement once everything is settled.
I really hope you find a way out of the hell your dealing with. You don't deserve to be treated that way. Nobody does. John

Also, it sounds like your kids are now adults. Any chance you could stay with one of them? John

There's a lot of good suggestions here. I also agree that once you are sober, you will be able to make a plan for a better future for yourself. Don't focus on the negatives. You CAN get out of this situation with some planning and research. There are programs, jobs, schooling out there for you and anyone else regardless of the background. It sounds like your four children are close to you, I'm sure they'd be supportive too 😊

I have nothing more insightful to add that you haven't already heard. I just want to offer my support & love. I grew up in an emotionally & verbally abusive home. No one deserves it. No one.

I'm not far from you & know there are lots of support groups in the DFW area. PM me if you'd like help finding something that works for you, your situation & your schedule.

You deserve all that life has to offer - every, single bit. Learning & believing that as well as putting the bottle down is Step 1.

Hugs & love!

Thank you for all of the kind words. I am making today day 1. Again. I'm terrified. I don't know how to cope without alcohol.

Eliasson, I'm glad you posted. You do not have to continue to live with this abuse. You would not have 'nothing' if you left the marriage. You would likely have half of the value of your home and savings, plus you might be entitled to spousal support at least for awhile. If you decide to stop drinking, I believe that you could put a plan into place that would allow you to live a dignified life on your own.