On Addiction and Depression/Anxiety
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
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On Addiction and Depression/Anxiety
A piece I wrote today describing how I feel about struggling in the midst of addiction and depression/anxiety:
Anxiety in full force. Hard to live in my own skin. It is never enough. Creeping, fleeting memories from the night before. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear. Flooding in flashes, in pieces and fragments. Clues tethered to emotions that I would rather not endure. Like incessant drops of stagnant, putrid water that hit my already heavy heart in an all too familiar and raw, aching place. Haunting, disturbing, repetitive. Repetitive. Here we go again. I hate so much that I am this way. Convictions and self trust are meaningless lies. It is so hard to just be, let alone do anything. Eternal loop like a broken record driving me downward at wavering and unpredictable speeds depending on the day's crisis. Loss of control. Chaos. Where do I lay my apologies this time? The dizzying, blurry barrage of bottles and the offensively invasive stale scent of ashtray embedded in the walls and in my flesh and on my teeth. I think I will be sick from the poison. Heartbeat throbbing between my ears and the encumbered feeling of soot and tar burning in my chest, stifling my life force. Can I muster the strength to conceal the ever so loudly clanking tell tale remnants of my preferred, slow and shameful method of demise from my neighbors? No place for dignity now. Fighting the crazy thoughts and desperation of a suffering addict on another dreaded day 1. Just breathe. Why is it so hard? I am so infuriating, hopeless. Worthless. Divided by the feud of my two sides and losing the battle. Smothered, redundant, pleading voice of reason. Self sabotage, my old friend. Insanity. I have a new vice in my collection now. Welcome to my party with no boundaries and not a care. Only the enticingly dysfunctional and destructive with the sweetest most syrupy lies allowed. Let me tell you what a good time we will have. Terrified and bound in the darkness of my self made prison with no walls and no ends. Heed my warning: That one loose thread there, yes, that one there, asking and eagerly waiting to be plucked, is likely to unravel the whole and the entirety of my parts and once I've responded to its beckon call, I won't know how to untangle. A mad hatter, unconsoled. Always yearning. Always in search of that instantaneous and illusive feeling of comfort in my own weathering and self beaten casing. Whatever the cost. Too many demons to face, lurking in my woodworks. I just can't make sense of it all. Callous, unconcerned Dr. Thieves, won't you consider my plight and offer up answers to the depression that plagues me? Make it stop for even a moment, I beg. Save me from myself.
Anxiety in full force. Hard to live in my own skin. It is never enough. Creeping, fleeting memories from the night before. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear. Flooding in flashes, in pieces and fragments. Clues tethered to emotions that I would rather not endure. Like incessant drops of stagnant, putrid water that hit my already heavy heart in an all too familiar and raw, aching place. Haunting, disturbing, repetitive. Repetitive. Here we go again. I hate so much that I am this way. Convictions and self trust are meaningless lies. It is so hard to just be, let alone do anything. Eternal loop like a broken record driving me downward at wavering and unpredictable speeds depending on the day's crisis. Loss of control. Chaos. Where do I lay my apologies this time? The dizzying, blurry barrage of bottles and the offensively invasive stale scent of ashtray embedded in the walls and in my flesh and on my teeth. I think I will be sick from the poison. Heartbeat throbbing between my ears and the encumbered feeling of soot and tar burning in my chest, stifling my life force. Can I muster the strength to conceal the ever so loudly clanking tell tale remnants of my preferred, slow and shameful method of demise from my neighbors? No place for dignity now. Fighting the crazy thoughts and desperation of a suffering addict on another dreaded day 1. Just breathe. Why is it so hard? I am so infuriating, hopeless. Worthless. Divided by the feud of my two sides and losing the battle. Smothered, redundant, pleading voice of reason. Self sabotage, my old friend. Insanity. I have a new vice in my collection now. Welcome to my party with no boundaries and not a care. Only the enticingly dysfunctional and destructive with the sweetest most syrupy lies allowed. Let me tell you what a good time we will have. Terrified and bound in the darkness of my self made prison with no walls and no ends. Heed my warning: That one loose thread there, yes, that one there, asking and eagerly waiting to be plucked, is likely to unravel the whole and the entirety of my parts and once I've responded to its beckon call, I won't know how to untangle. A mad hatter, unconsoled. Always yearning. Always in search of that instantaneous and illusive feeling of comfort in my own weathering and self beaten casing. Whatever the cost. Too many demons to face, lurking in my woodworks. I just can't make sense of it all. Callous, unconcerned Dr. Thieves, won't you consider my plight and offer up answers to the depression that plagues me? Make it stop for even a moment, I beg. Save me from myself.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 69
I've gone through terrible things. I had OCD. An anxiety disorder. And, get this, a personality disorder which gives me a genetic predisposition to fear.
Yet, alcohol is NEVER a solution. It can only make it worse. There are many things that can help you. Alcohol is not one of them.
Yet, alcohol is NEVER a solution. It can only make it worse. There are many things that can help you. Alcohol is not one of them.
Glad you have found a good path for yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Alcohol was fuel for that kind of thinking for me. Yet I didn't know it until I stopped drinking and started living differently. Utter hopelessness. No way out. A sneeze away from complete insanity.
You brought me back with the colorful writing. I used to write very similar things. I don't feel that way anymore. Anything I go through now I know will eventually pass, and experience has taught me that regardless of how bad it was, or how long it lasted, I always wind up stronger and healthier on the other side of it. That wasn't the case when alcohol was still a part of the picture. It only got darker, and darker.
As stated already, there are ways out. As alone as you feel right now, you're not. Many of us have been there, thinking we'd never be able to climb out, yet we did. So can you. I wish you the best.
You brought me back with the colorful writing. I used to write very similar things. I don't feel that way anymore. Anything I go through now I know will eventually pass, and experience has taught me that regardless of how bad it was, or how long it lasted, I always wind up stronger and healthier on the other side of it. That wasn't the case when alcohol was still a part of the picture. It only got darker, and darker.
As stated already, there are ways out. As alone as you feel right now, you're not. Many of us have been there, thinking we'd never be able to climb out, yet we did. So can you. I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Thanks Joe. I had 5 months some time back. It was not easy but my life improved in many ways. The hardest part is just dealing with all of the negative emotions when they arise and I was never really able to talk to friends sober because of social anxiety. I wasn't even able to speak in meetings either, it terrified me. I started going to the book meetings and reading nervously aloud. It was a start. Haven't managed to find my way back to where I was ever since I broke my streak. I've managed a couple weeks here and there. The more I fail, the less faith in myself I have and I don't trust myself. I will set out with conviction, and somewhere along the line, that day comes where it just crumbles and I let myself down again. It is so tough. Then eventually I find myself giving up the fight until it gets really bad again like it has been lately. It is exhausting.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
We only fail when we quit trying. I was lucky with alcohol. The pain was bad enough that I got hospitalized one time, and was willing to do anything and everything they they said. And I didn't do what they said because I wanted to stop drinking. I did it because I wanted to stop feeling the way I was feeling. I couldn't function anymore. I was agoraphobic, depressed to the point of suicide, and could simply not go on any more. For me it was do what they told me, or die because I was at the very end of my rope. Literally.
With cigarettes I wasn't as lucky... I tried and tried, and tried again. Years went by, and I couldn't stop, but I never really quit quitting. I did at one point surrender, which was a little different, but point is - one day I finally succeeded.
I had a hard time in AA also. Still at times don't feel as "at home" as some people do. Don't really like talking in crowds, but it got easier in time. I didn't really share any of my feelings (at a meeting) until I had 6 months, and came really close to picking up. What I did do early on though was make phone calls, as hard as it was. Told the person on the other end of the phone that I didn't really know what to say, but wanted to take suggestions - and they took it from there. I also latched onto another newcomer early on, and we hit a lot of meetings together. Having someone to go to meetings with made it a little easier.
The game is far from over. You know you have a problem which is further than a lot of people get. You've had a few months sobriety - that's great practice. I believe we have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you have any kind of believe in a HP, I'd suggest asking that HP for help. If not, you might want to try anyway....
. The more important thing however is to just keep the drink down, no matter what, and make positive moves. Again, we've all been there. We wouldn't be here, if we weren't. Hang in there. There is hope.
With cigarettes I wasn't as lucky... I tried and tried, and tried again. Years went by, and I couldn't stop, but I never really quit quitting. I did at one point surrender, which was a little different, but point is - one day I finally succeeded.
I had a hard time in AA also. Still at times don't feel as "at home" as some people do. Don't really like talking in crowds, but it got easier in time. I didn't really share any of my feelings (at a meeting) until I had 6 months, and came really close to picking up. What I did do early on though was make phone calls, as hard as it was. Told the person on the other end of the phone that I didn't really know what to say, but wanted to take suggestions - and they took it from there. I also latched onto another newcomer early on, and we hit a lot of meetings together. Having someone to go to meetings with made it a little easier.
The game is far from over. You know you have a problem which is further than a lot of people get. You've had a few months sobriety - that's great practice. I believe we have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you have any kind of believe in a HP, I'd suggest asking that HP for help. If not, you might want to try anyway....
. The more important thing however is to just keep the drink down, no matter what, and make positive moves. Again, we've all been there. We wouldn't be here, if we weren't. Hang in there. There is hope.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You've probably already read stuff about PAW, but I thought this article was really good and wished I'd seen it last year when I was being swept up in a tsunami of anxiety and depression and was going to bed every night wishing that I could just go to sleep and never wake up again without it impacting on others...
PAWS | Digital Dharma
I tried my Doctor, who, despite me being a complete wreck, told me everyone feels like that sometimes and 'ignore it and it'll go away'. Admittedly, I was my typical (at the time) dishonest self and had only given him the truths that I could face voicing to work with. My boss (who is a determined and fierce lady) didn't take this news happily - and being a proactive sort, she signed me up for 6 counselling sessions (still got 2 of those left) which were helpful in getting me opening up a bit. I would say that my real life-saver has been going to AA and starting to work through the 12-Step program. I've learnt a lot about myself, and how to think about and deal differently with 'life'.
Whatever you decide, I wish you lots of luck in finding your way back from the dark place. I pray that I never find myself back in that bleakness again.
x
PAWS | Digital Dharma
I tried my Doctor, who, despite me being a complete wreck, told me everyone feels like that sometimes and 'ignore it and it'll go away'. Admittedly, I was my typical (at the time) dishonest self and had only given him the truths that I could face voicing to work with. My boss (who is a determined and fierce lady) didn't take this news happily - and being a proactive sort, she signed me up for 6 counselling sessions (still got 2 of those left) which were helpful in getting me opening up a bit. I would say that my real life-saver has been going to AA and starting to work through the 12-Step program. I've learnt a lot about myself, and how to think about and deal differently with 'life'.
Whatever you decide, I wish you lots of luck in finding your way back from the dark place. I pray that I never find myself back in that bleakness again.
x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Thank you for the link, Beccybean, and for your well wishes. I am glad the counseling sessions worked well for you and that you are thriving in AA. Awesome boss to have done that for you, too!
I have been getting similar responses from the doctors myself. They won't listen to me. They never helped me and now I am in debt with them. I finally went to another doc. They just said to supplement my vitamin D and offered me steroids for my hair loss. (I will pass on the steroids, thank you!) I have had some very bad experiences with counseling professionals as of late myself as well. Long story short with the most recent one, she didn't help me either and only gave me these cheesy printed paper packets to fill out DURING our sessions. She would cut the sessions short and charge me the full 50 minutes. It's been a frustrating endeavor.
I would like to get a sponsor and work the steps. I really think it could help. I am not a very spiritual person, though, but I can work with it. I have been saying that I should do it for a while. I just need to work up the courage to approach someone which is probably going to take a while. I still haven't made the walk of shame back into the doors yet. I am nervous they will be able to tell right away and I know nobody will say anything bad, but it is just embarrassing to me. In the meantime, it helps to talk(type) and read everyone's experiences and advice.
I have been getting similar responses from the doctors myself. They won't listen to me. They never helped me and now I am in debt with them. I finally went to another doc. They just said to supplement my vitamin D and offered me steroids for my hair loss. (I will pass on the steroids, thank you!) I have had some very bad experiences with counseling professionals as of late myself as well. Long story short with the most recent one, she didn't help me either and only gave me these cheesy printed paper packets to fill out DURING our sessions. She would cut the sessions short and charge me the full 50 minutes. It's been a frustrating endeavor.
I would like to get a sponsor and work the steps. I really think it could help. I am not a very spiritual person, though, but I can work with it. I have been saying that I should do it for a while. I just need to work up the courage to approach someone which is probably going to take a while. I still haven't made the walk of shame back into the doors yet. I am nervous they will be able to tell right away and I know nobody will say anything bad, but it is just embarrassing to me. In the meantime, it helps to talk(type) and read everyone's experiences and advice.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by NotSoIvory 
T
I would like to get a sponsor and work the steps. I really think it could help. I am not a very spiritual person, though, but I can work with it. I have been saying that I should do it for a while. I just need to work up the courage to approach someone which is probably going to take a while. I still haven't made the walk of shame back into the doors yet. I am nervous they will be able to tell right away and I know nobody will say anything bad, but it is just embarrassing to me. In the meantime, it helps to talk(type) and read everyone's experiences and advice.
I would like to get a sponsor and work the steps. I really think it could help. I am not a very spiritual person, though, but I can work with it. I have been saying that I should do it for a while. I just need to work up the courage to approach someone which is probably going to take a while. I still haven't made the walk of shame back into the doors yet. I am nervous they will be able to tell right away and I know nobody will say anything bad, but it is just embarrassing to me. In the meantime, it helps to talk(type) and read everyone's experiences and advice.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily-reflection
I don't think many AAs were truly very 'spiritual' when we started out. That's the ISM of alcoholism. We all share so many character defects that hold us back, and can keep us trapped in a cycle of damaging behaviour and thought unless we really work to fight our way out of it.
It took me a long time to approach my sponsor. She's not a naturally jolly person, and tends to be quite 'direct', and I'm REALLY rubbish at asking for help (I've always relied on sulking until someone offers it or just does it for me). Anyway - something told me she was just what I needed and I just went up at the end of a meeting and said "I think I really need to work the steps, and wondered if you'd consider being my sponsor." She didn't take time to consider or think about it, just said "Yes. But I'm tough. No bulls**t! You're going to have to work hard."
Lol.I'm always amazed that something as wonderful as AA is available to anyone who needs it for free. All it takes is an acceptance of our powerlessness over alcohol and a willingness to change to get us on our way.
I've added you to my prayer list and will be thinking of you. Take care x
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Just read your signatures... very good advice. You see, you know what you need to do.
Now you just need to find the courage to do it, because no-one can do it for you..
You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way. -Jennifer Freeman
May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. - Nelson Mandela
xx
Now you just need to find the courage to do it, because no-one can do it for you..
You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way. -Jennifer Freeman
May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. - Nelson Mandela
xx
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