BwanaWill

Hi all,

My girlfriend has just entered a detox/rehabilitation clinic for a period of 6-21 weeks depending on how she responds to treatment for her alcoholism. I've been left with the care of our 3 year old son and we are about to be kick out of our home as a consequence of her drinking at work and losing her job (our flat came with her job). I got so much stuff to sort out and any advice would be welcome. It's been a nightmare year for us all. My girlfriend has always had an unhealthy relationship alcohol, once she started to drink she just didn't stop till she dropped. I was always embarrassed and upset by it so distanced myself from it by not really going out with her when I knew drink was available (we ended up not having much of a social life ) She started drinking daily at home after the birth of our lovely son and about 6 months ago I put my foot down and stopped it. Unfortunately it turns out she had already become dependant by that point as she started drinking everywhere else i.e work, began sneaking about, stashing and lots and lots of lying. She has also spent the last 6 months blaming her drinking on our relationship, the stress of bring up our son and our life and work. Classic behaviour as I understand it. Anyway, she was acceptant of the opportunity to go into rehab to her credit but that's left me in a mighty hole regarding what steps I should take next. As I mentioned we got to find somewhere else to live soon and with the child care I can only work part time and can't really afford anywhere near the clinic so we could visit her once a week for the next few months. Also worried that after a very stressful and tiring 6 months , another 6 months of worry and little support along with financial burdens what state I will be in for my son in a few months. Most of my family live a long way away and have offered to put us up but then we couldn't visit the clinic very often. Not sure what is left of our relationship at this point, kind of depends what she's saying when she's sober and being honest with herself but don't want to make a decision that may damage her recovery ie no visits from her son. I know I have to focus on my well being at this point and my sons and understand that she has to focus on herself in rehab so maybe I would be better off moving away to my support network at this point and let her join us when she's out of the clinic. If I stay around here I'm worried I may cripple myself emotionally, physically and financially for the sake of a few hours visits over the next few months ?? If we do work things out then what home environment would she be returning to after the clinic ?? I've got a lot of resentment to deal with over this and don't want to make a decision that may actually fuel that even more. Got about a month to decide whether to move into a rental property near the clinic or head 500 miles away to be with my family. Tough one hey. Any opinions and advice most welcome

hopeful4

Would she be willing to move to where you are once she is out of the clinic? I am a big believer that when in rehab, they need to be there, alone, to work on themselves. You need support for you and your child, and if family will give it to you, I would go. It is likely a change may be good for her too once she is out, a new start if you will.

Good luck to you and your son. I hope you keep coming back, SR is a place of great support! You may want to go over to the Friends and Family Forum, there is lots of great support there as well.

Komplex

I am sorry things stink right now. I think it is important for you to do whatever you believe is best for you and your son. It may be very helpful for you to be near family at such a difficult time. Also a three year old is hard work, especially one missing his mother. Please accept any and all help offered with him, for you. I hope that your girlfriend finds the strength in rehab to do what it takes to take care of her!

BwanaWill

Thanks for the feedback. Yes I think she would welcome a move post rehab, we really not got a lot around here any more. That would mean she would be along way away from her family and friends but then they all drink a lot so probably a good idea ! I guess it depends a lot on what we manage to sort out over the next few weeks. Thanks for the advice

saoutchik

Hi BwanaWill - sorry to read about your tough situation.

I think I agree with what others have said ie to move to where your support network is which would be the best thing for your son.

I'm from the UK and maybe things are different but the max figure you gave of 21 weeks rehab sounds very long to me. I would have thought the 6 week figure is the more likely (closer to 6 than 21 anyway)

Good luck whatever decision you make

Soberwolf

Welcome Bwannawill nice to meet you youl find so much support here

Anna

I would move to where your support network is. You have yourself and your little son to take care of. He's going to be missing Mom, so having your family around could be helpful to you and him. Allow your girlfriend to move to where you are when she leaves rehab. I wish you well.

BwanaWill

Hi, I'm up i scotland - 6 weeks detox and primary care then up to 21 weeks secondary care, all residential. NHS funded which is great. She may not need to spend that long in the clinic, depends on how well she does. That kind of complicates the decision making cause I would have to commit to a 6 month lease minimum if i decide to stay. Not even sure her moving straight back in with us is the right thing to do anyway. She seems to think rehab gona completely "fix" her then she expects me to hand responsibility for our son straight back to her. Found out today she's emptied his savings account WTF !!! Thanks for your thoughts

BwanaWill

A lot of great advice thanks. It all seems to be in agreement to me moving closer to my support network and letting my GF focus on her recovery and have to cope with not seeing us for a few months. I would be interested in anyone's option the other way. Perhaps someone who has been through rehab and couldn't have done it without regular visits from the children ?

Snotchy

Hello Bwanawill,

I can't tell you what to do, I've learned it's best to just talk about my own experience.
I did a 28 day stay last Dec. for prescription pain meds. I had to detox and I could not do it at home. I was prescribed so much my wife was concerned they would find me dead from an OD. My wife made it clear to me that the two children that are still at home where her/our first priority. This became my main motivation to stick out rehab and the intense withdrawal.

So for us, our children came first. As an adult in the equation, I had to deal with the results of my actions, the kids shouldn't have to deal with my bad decisions.

My wife told me that if I didn't go to rehab and get clean she would have to get the kids away from me because the way things were, it was toxic for them.

She's a great Mother, great priorities - kids even before me. I had to agree and I'm through it, we're all together and things are going pretty good.

HTH - S

Thepatman

This, totally.

My son was 2 1/2 when I spit with his mom. Just taking care of him and working was more than a hand full. Luckily I didn't have too much financial stress. So Anna is bang on, you will need help.

BwanaWill

thanks patman, I have some savings so could feasible scrap through 6 months remaining here but I'm self employed so that comes with it's own set of worries i.e security of work coming in. As I said, pretty resentful at the moment and worried that spending all my savings on rent some we could visit would only fuel that. Also concerned about situation post rehab - she coming out with no job, me with not much work and diminished savings - what then. She says I'm negative, I say I'm realistic. Fact is I have got used to dealing with worse case scenarios lately. The lure of help and support with my son is the most significant draw to heading closer to my family. I value your advice, thanks

Sasha4

Go with your little one and be around people who love you and can help you.

I am a single mum in the UK and get very little help. Apart from tiring, it can be lonely too. You need adult company as well.

In the UK if you earn under a certain amount, (£16,000) your child is entitled to 15 hours a week nursery care from the government. Are you taking advantage of this? That could be 5 mornings for 3 hours or five afternoon sessions for 3 hours. Some nurseries let you do it in other ways too. So maybe over 2 days?

Its private daycare nurseries too. Get him signed up he will have loads of fun, eat great food, make friends and become more independent.

Personally I think your partner needs to realise that life does not revolve her and you visiting her.

I think if she see's you establishing a good life and routine for yourself and your son, it might make her work a bit harder at being sober. Let her see that if she continues on this path she will miss out. Don't pander to her every need and want.

Sure start centres in the UK also offer help - you can take your boy to free play sessions and stay with him. They do stuff for Dads too like support groups for men doing the majority of the parenting.

You sound like a strong man who is realistic. You sound sensible and considerate too.
However be more considerate of your boy and yourself and less considerate of her.

You will get through this and you will be fine. That is said from my own personal experience and with love and support.

I wish you the best xx

BwanaWill

Hi sasha, Throughout the last 6 months I have taken on all the childcare responsibilities for my son, I just haven't been able to trust his mum as her drinking has been so out of control. I've tried my hardest to keep things as normal as possible for him, keep him to his routine, put boundaries in place for her to stick to regarding her interaction with him when drinking etc.. . Thanks for the info regarding nursery. He's already goes to a childminder 3 days a week while I work and the other 2 days I take him to free playgroup sessions for a few hours which gives me a bit of quiet time. He's registered for nursery around here starting in august but would need to re-register him should I decide to move. My GF says she understands me wanting to move closer to support and make a new start but then turns around and says don't leave. It's such a tough decision to make but as you identify I must put me and my son first, that's clear to me now. X

Mountainmanbob

Seems best for you to move close to your family. Thank God, you have family support.

Seems that love never stays in one place. When she gets out of rehab she will either love you more or love you less ?

Sobriety may be what she has been waiting or may prove to be only a temporary time for her ?
MM

INgal

Bwanna, since he is not going to be interacting with his mom anyway, it will be so good for your son to be with extended family. He will benefit greatly getting to know Them, and you will have loving people around you. Best wishes to you. You seem like a fantastic dad!

Pouncer

Don't let that deter you from making the best choice for you and you son. We alcoholics are masters of manipulation.

Your first option for living circumstances doesn't sound very fulfilling. Your second option sounds like what you and your son need. I had a stressful childhood but the one thing that made it okay (and kind of great) was my Dad's extended family. You and your son need support, company and love. Your family sounds kind and supportive; take advantage of what they are offering.

ReadyAtLast

hi,

I also think you should move to be nearer family and use the support offered.

As you are in the UK you will be entitled to benefits if you are on low income and working part-time. Have a look at Benefits Calculator - entitledto - independent | accurate | reliable it's not a commercial link it's a free charity service. If you rent you may be eligible for housing benefit and CT benefit. You will also get child benefit and child tax and working tax credit if on low income. If your gf is currently receiving the child benefit this needs to be changed to your name so you can access other benefits. Hopefully this will ease the financial pressure and help.

BwanaWill

Thanks for the info Readyatlast, We have been receiving tax credits and will have to redo the paperwork at some point soon. We have been spoiled really for the last 7 years living in tied accommodation with no rent or bills. That enabled me to save a bit and not really have any financial worries. It's the prospect of coping with all that financial burden on top of everything else that has happened that worries me a lot, should I decide to stay. Would need to dip into savings each month just to get by but would manage. I had been saving for a deposit on a house for my family and the idea of spending it all to enable me to visit her for a couple of hours each week for the net few months after her drinking has destroyed our family would I think fuel my anger over all this.

Kris47

Hello and Best Regards BwannaWill,

I think you are being responsible in taking time to play this all out in your mind. I respect you for that. You are making a hard decision but I would definitely include family if you have the option to do so. It will mean a lot to both you and your son. I also think your son to be the most important thing to consider as your GF will be getting the help she needs. Hopefully, down the road it will put you all on better footing for the future. I commend you on coming up to the plate. Do what you need to do for the two of you.