ArtFriend

I really love this forum and I think it affords people the opportunity to discuss issues in a safe and anonymous way. But one thing I have noticed, for me at least, is that sometimes the discussions can be very difficult and triggering. I am am empath, which is a person who is highly sensitive to others' feelings.

I just wondered if there are others on this forum who feel the same way? How do you deal with it? Thanks

ScottFromWI

The great thing about a discussion forum is that you can simply back away from a conversation you don't agree with or have difficulty with. Keep in mind though that some of the discussions here are difficult because addiction is a difficult subject. And sometimes we need to hear things that we don't want to hear.

JD4010

Yeah, I'm sensitive to the feelings of others, too.

One of the reasons I had for drinking was to try to drown out the heightened emotions I felt when thinking of others, if they were experiencing health issues or other negative events in their lives. I'd reach a point where I didn't want to feel any more, and I'd escape via booze--at least for a little while.

That's obviously not coping. I don't have much of an answer I guess.

ArtFriend

I did the same thing JD. The feelings are almost overwhelming.

twal

Hey Artfriend...I agree that this forum is filled with great people. Some situations that people write about can be disheartening and even triggering for me at times. I just tend to ignore those posts and focus on the ones that are helpful for me. Have a good Friday!

Tang

Me three. Everyone tells me I'm a great listener. Problem is everyone else drowns me out and at the end of the day voices and emotions are swirling in my head. People tell me I need to learn to let negative comments roll off my back. I've been trying to learn that for 40+ years. No can do. So now I try to avoid those situations. As far as SR goes, I just stop reading threads I find hostile.

Anna

This is our Mandate in Newcomers and we work pretty hard on it:

The Newcomers Forum is a safe and welcoming place for newcomers. Respect is essential.

On the rest of the forums, stepping back is the way to go.

KAD

Yes, I am quite sensitive to the feelings of others, but mostly to my own. I wear them on my sleeve!

Aellyce

Hey Art.

I think you are in good company regarding this feature here at SR And great topic.

I was like what you describe as a kid (hypersensitive to everything pretty much), and it was often so overwhelming, I think with time I developed a very effective defense mechanism, not even consciously. A sort of "emotional detachment" -- not really from the external world and other people, but from my own feelings and reactions. I recall many instances when this was pretty much a means to survival for me, so it got reinforced with time and became quite solid by adulthood. So much so that when I grew a bit older, I had to start peeling layers of these defenses off because they simply became too much and got in the way of my relationships with people. Ironically, my alcoholism actually helped me with this, because it really disrupted my self-control. And then I became hypersensitive again, often quite a lot like in childhood. So part of recovery for me is to find a healthy balance in all this, because I don't think I've ever had a good one. It is quite challenging and still a sort of limbo state for me often.

I would also ask myself, what is exactly the source of this sensitivity? Are you very sensitive to other people's state and feelings, or is it (in part) a sensitivity to what others think/say about/to you? Or both?

So what to do? If it's about SR, I think many people like to take breaks, but that can be tricky if you are not solid in your sobriety yet and SR is your main support system. I've never been good at taking breaks since I've started being very active here, exactly because detachment is hard for me now. Appearing objective and quite rational is usually not too hard for me, but often what I'm feeling inside is a whole different reality. Perhaps one could say it's a fake exterior then, but I don't even think so... all of this is pretty authentic for me, all of it is parts of me, it's just that there are conflicting features, desires, and values.

Being sensitive to others' feelings and being compassionate is never a bad thing though as long as we can keep it in a range that does not destroy us. An of course that is the challenge, the balance... like in everything.

I think that probably with a bit more sobriety, you may find this becomes easier. I also often like the approach of interacting more intensely with people I feel comfortable with, when I'm in a shaky state of mind. It creates some bias, but it does not need to be all the time, just when we feel particularly vulnerable.

These are some things I could come up with spontaneously... but it's a big deal for me as well.

Meshelly

I know exactly what you mean ArtFriend. I too am and Empath. I don't like making waves and try not to step on any toes. I have noticed that although i still feel alot, I can manage it better since I've taken up yoga and I try and stay present by breathing exercies. =)

Cascabel

As a sober person I'm more to the other end of the spectrum; I'm not particularly empathetic: I've been this way all of my sober life. I tend to intellectualize issues rather than have strong feelings about them. At times I think I may be missing a significant part of life but I can't fake what I dont feel.

On the other hand, when I was drinking I had stronger feelings, not so much of empathy but of sadness and nihilism. I like my present state of mind much better than I did the one I had when I was drinking.

I think personality type plays a large role in a person's empathy quotient. According to the Meyer-Briggs Type Index (MBTI), a system for describing personality type, one component of the individual personality is a preference for either thinking or feeling. It doesn't mean that thinkers can't feel or vice versa, it simply indicates a preference for one over the other. Extraversion vs introversion is another personality preference mode. In my personal experience, an introverted thinker tends to be less empathetic than would be one whose preferences are extraversion and feeling.

At any rate, even an extreme introvert/thinker is capable of empathy but it's strength is much less than that of those who are more in tune with their feelings. But, all of us have to play the hand (personality) we were dealt and to become the best possible version of ourselves that we can. Staying sober is, to me, an important part of that becoming.

anattaboy

Just what the heck did you mean by that Art? I mean, Really? You callin' me sensitive or sumpin'?

ArtFriend

You? Sensitive? naaaaaahhh

ArtFriend

I would say both. Growing up in a chaotic and unpredictable home I had to learn how to "read" people and well as predict (try to at least) what their intentions would be. And I didn't really develop a solid "core" because of the abuse. So my sensitivity to how others see me has been an issue (getting better as I get older however).

I have taken breaks. I took all of January off. I don't know if it is so much about taking breaks or stepping back. It's about reading something that you wish you hadn't. It is easy enough to just not read the thread anymore, but you cannot "unread" the initial post. Cannot un-ring that bell. And you cannot really know what you are going to read ahead of time going by the title of the post either.


I find sensitivity to be a double edged sword. Learning to mediate it is the key like you said.

IOAA2

Hi.
I and many are sensitive and don’t suffer well. I don’t drink anymore so it’s better now.

BE WELL

JaneLane

Yes! I am a highly sensitive individual and the best way to deal with online stuff, in my opinion, has been to investigate what I'm getting involved in, know when to back off and not to engage in things that are going to cause me anxiety. I just don't need that right now.
If something kicks off, I step back entirely for as long as I need.
There is no shame in acknowledging your boundaries and it'd be very boring if we were all built the same!

alphaomega

Fellow raging EMPATH here as well.

Sometimes I think that's why I drank. TO block out the overwhelming energies of everyone around me. I would very very hard on trying to differentiate between what are my emotions and what I am picking up.

Hospitals and airports are especially difficult due to that vast amount of fear that comes up in those places. While getting a mammogram today, I thought I would go out of my skin with anxiety. *I* wasn't anxious about the test, but that room where the women wait to be called desperately needs a "space" clearing. (((shudder)))

mecanix

I had to realise it's not for me to fix or comfort some of the people .

It is a miracle of transmutation to turn the dirt of my past into a wealth i can offer to see if it can help .

If you are getting triggered by other people then maybe it is pointing to where you might need to work on getting balance and perspective in your own recovery, to question how much emotion you're investing in others , empath or not .

Certainly when people i've liked or like on this forum went out and used again or have disappeared then I find it sad, it is not for me to control their sobriety journey though .

I understand it is my desire to see them change that causes me pain , in accepting them and where they are on their journey my pain goes and i can offer whatever i might have learned on my own journey if there is anything relevant .

m

Aellyce

I relate to Cascabel's post very much also. Kind of what I tried to describe as "emotional detachment". It's just that for me, the "rational" processing tends to be a preference for assessment of information (any kind almost) and decision making. That is what I ended up prioritizing, I remember, early in life, because the too emotional and irrational processes felt too chaotic for me back then, and also because my environment (people who influenced me a lot growing up) kinda taught me to be that way; they also tended to be very challenging intellectually rather than emotionally... so that's what I got used to in my interactions with the external world. I was also criticized for being overly emotional several times by some key figures in my life, and because their opinions mattered to me, I adjusted accordingly (see below about criticism). But what goes on inside can be quite different, as I said before -- I'm definitely not that rational there. Rationalizing and intellectualizing, yes. I think that for me, my career (being a scientist) also promoted all this, but we can equally say I chose this career because it's aligned with my "adult personality". Not so much as a heavy drinker though... again, like Cascabel described.

Art, I totally get what you are saying about the effects of the abusive environment. You see, that's what I did not have as a kid... or more precisely, I did in certain ways, but never in my immediate, close relationships. So I guess I ended up liking these (the close personal relationships with select people) because that's what has always given me great positive experiences. These early life influences are extremely powerful!

Again, I think I get this, even though (again), I don't tend to have problems this way. I've always taken criticism and direct pointing out of facts in myself and my behavior very well, and I like when people do this. But why: because it has never been abused for me. Or when there were tendencies, I would very quickly remove myself from such situations. For me, my sensitivity (and sometimes problems) lie much more in my own curiosity and interest to "get into other people"... often as deeply as they let me, really.

See, for example, when I follow your threads... it's not that I decided in the beginning that I would. It's more an accumulation of intuitive "relating" -- somehow your threads tend to grab my attention and I feel I have things to say. And then it persists for a while at least.

And I sometimes like to drop my guards and boundaries completely, such that I assume what goes for me, will go for others as well. Different boundary structures that sometimes take a while to explore and adjust, and other times they pretty much kill the relationship. And I never have an easy time with aligning / adjusting boundaries in personal relationships. That is what I am most sensitive to... and sometimes insensitive as well... because these things rarely yield to more objective assessment.

Absolutely! I think we all have our own version of sensitivities, areas that we are strong dealing with, and others that can turn problematic. I also believe (and it's been my experience) that sometimes the "areas" where we are most vulnerable initially or by default, can become our greatest strengths with the right kind of self work. Never simple or easy of course.

Aellyce