UnixBer

Hi folks. I've decided to stop this drinking because it just doesn't give out much anything but mean hangovers that lead to more drinking days.

There is something valuable though that I've learned from this drinking. It really made me think about sobriety and things, life in common very deeply. I realized that I need to act more and live with more courage, sober in order to get things done. I just decided that _I CAN ACT_ despite the fact that I have fear. Everyone has fear. What really matters is the courage you put into your life, not your fears itself. I think I realized this now.

All problems can be overcome with courage and action. So very soon back on the wagon... thanks for all the support so far SR.

Bmac

Welcome back! Why "very soon"? Why not NOW?

Dee74

Good to have you back and sounding good UB

Tom morrow never comes with stuff like this. Make it now, this minute

D

silentrun

I vote now too Unix. Miss you around here.

Hevyn

Good to see you Unix. You can stay off it this time - it does you no good.

Soberwolf

Welcome back UB

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, Unix.

UnixBer

Thanks everyone. I know when it comes down to addiction the best time to pull the plug is NOW. I just try to safeguard my health with the taper, but will soon be completely clean.

I actually posted pics of myself masturbating on facebook during my binge. So when it comes to shame, that should do the trick.

Yazzylove

Wow Unix! That's crazy! I hope you were able to delete your posts and that not may people saw it!!

Dee74

That's pretty extreme behaviour UB.

Do you see a counsellor or a therapist at all? I'm not trying to be insulting - I'm genuinely worried for you.

D

MariahGayle

Glad your here Unixber & really hope that you reach out for local support.....has not worked for me doing this on my own.

UnixBer

Hehe, well... according to my memory the idea of doing that crazy thing was that I wanted to lose myself "to find my true self". In the sense I hated the fact that I'd not done so much I personally find so valuable in my life so I wanted to shed all that fear really just lose myself and do something I'd normally not do. In order to move onwards...

Sounds tricky I know. But sometimes these things are necessary in order to grow. Not for everyone though.

UnixBer

I was just supposed to taper off with the left-off drinks and I got drunk again. This isn't actually good. I don't like the feeling of being drunk and also my mind is playing tricks on me. Emotionally. But maybe it's true...

Pouncer

Did you start with a taper plan?

UnixBer

Double posting... intoxicated too... Yet...
It is difficult for me in this situtation to tell what really is true about all this. Everything seems very introspective, also painful, but when I'm sober I usually have the kind of patching on this stuff that I'm apparently dealing with. I just say: "hey it's really not that bad".. but now again that I'm drunk I feel like it really is. Like I've been untruthful somewhere. It is very complex and difficult to explain but it works like a fluctuation of emotions and self-image.

I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be in my life. Big time. Everyone is different and I know what I desire and need, yet it has been so obstructive to get there, when I took it for granted before. Nothing is even near what I imagined my life to be years ago... 9 long years I've had the same problem. 9 F******* YEARS!

Please don't tell me there is no cure or solution to this after all this trial, suffering and work. I never was a negative person, at least I don't think so. This is so ********.

Vent.

UnixBer

Triple.... this might turn into a huge vent... now...

By this day I'd supposed to be a professional psychic. I know everything about the stuff I need but I haven't been able to meditate to relax sufficiently in 9 years. This kind of work requires a clear mind that works.

If you feel like laughing have a fricken blast at it. Where I come from is the truth and none else. I had psychic visions of future events in my dreams, was very adept at energy manipulation too... not to mention environmental energies, that go about the ionosphere. So... Something came up to me and ever since I've been a mess. Was it the booze? I've given this so much thought.

I need a real psychic or a very adept hypnotist to get out of this mess. Forget about psychology and therapy. That will not solve the problem/s.

Think what you will, I'm just venting.

Pouncer

Sorry you are having a bad night, Unix. I really hope you feel better soon.

I think you probably already know what the solution is. If you are anything like the rest of us on this forum, you can't moderate. It might be almost impossible for you to taper on your own. Meaning, you probably are not a good candidate for tapering.

I think we are all very worried about you because not only are you having a really difficult time staying abstinent, you also seem to get very depressed when you are drunk. On this forum, you have also invented fantastical excuses for risky behavior while you have been drinking -- and also excuses for drinking in the first place.

I can really relate to what you said about wasted years. It is a source of stress for me as well. You are still young and have a long life to look forward to (if you stop drinking).

Please be honest with yourself and figure out what you want. If it is abstinence, then you should make a plan. I hope you feel better soon and I really mean that.

We are all still here if you need support. You were smart to come here to post, and the fact that you did that means that you probably want to change; it is yours for the taking.

mecanix

Unix ,
You sound like you're in a hole and digging it deeper .

By the tone of your last post it sounds like the tapering doesn't work , never worked with me either.

If you're to deal with whats in your head in a healthy way , then sobriety is part of the deal but it isn't the whole of the deal .

It honestly sounds like you are dissatisfied with the answers you have found to life as you perceive it , maybe some external help to understand whats going on would be good ontop of sobriety .. get some new ideas , some new perspectives ..

rootin for ya , m

Lenina

Unibex, I think many of us were not ablle to taper down. Perhaps your best move would be inpatient, at least for detox. It was the best thing for me. Getting detoxed and moving into recovering. All good things stemmed from there.

Honestly. The rest is just Addictive Voice convincing you you're in control when clearly you've lost it. We are here for you, you've got our support. We understand. Please. Take the next right move and see your doctor. We want back among us.

Love Lenina

UnixBer

Thanks for your replies, they are encouraging in themselves and contain truth.
I've burned in hellfire because of this problem, and possibly the problem is alcohol. The psychological torture is beyond many, I would guess. I've hated myself for the fact that these events in my life have actually happened. I've been so angry about it, when it was meant to be otherwise or at least I thought it would.

If there is a psychological wound in my psyche somewhere, guess what, I've written thousands of pages in search for it, many times thinking I've found a trauma or a problem, only to find out later it wasn't true at all. That kind of thing is very discouraging. Not only have I been angry all this time... If I keep drinking I'll propably go crazy. I'm going to stop, on my own of course, still thankful for all the support and ideas here.

Still sometimes I wonder why this torture? It must somehow be related to the fact that it must be relived until it is released. A form of purgatory. That truly does explain my life in the long run. Unable to defeat myself or accept something. I repeat, this is so ********.