Advice about minding my side of the fence
 

Hi, all:

Been thinking about this all day and wanted to get your advice.

Mentioned this morning that my partner and I got into a tiff. I know a lot of it is that he is so grumpy right now, in part, I believe because he runs himself ragged and doesn't take good care of himself. This last year and a half I have felt especially frustrated by how poorly my partner takes care of himself: works too much (I think), stresses, poor sleep and doesn't make the best food choices. I love him and I worry so. I am also sensitive to the fact that my nagging him won't work (I've watched my mom do it to my dad for years; it isn't pretty). I also know that if anyone had nagged me about my drinking (and a few folks did) that didn't work either.

Where is the line there? Why is it especially now, in my sobriety, that I feel hyper aware of these issues and genuinely sad about them? Is there some misplaced kind of co-dependency thing happening here? Is it me not wanting to focus on my own business? Should I remain silent (which I pretty much have)?

Any advice or shared experience would be appreciated.

I don't think you are being out of line at all. I find it easier to get my husband to do specific things like he will take vitamins if I put them in his face or he will eat better if I cook the food for him. He has cancer in his family and I practically had to threaten to divorce him to get a colonoscopy. They found a polyp. Who knows what that could have turned into if I hadn't been on his ass about it.

I can understand where you're coming from since you love him. You could always ask him how he feels about these aspects of his life, listen, and then ask if there is anything you could do to help since you worry about him. If he's not worried about any of it, there is not much you can do about it, but he may also be concerned. However, it's hard to know unless you ask.

Well, without your glass of numbing liquid, now you have to face this stuff.

You know there's nothing you can do about his drinking.

You can set boundaries for what you will do in reaction to his behavior. Such as, "I will leave the room/not engage with you when you are drinking." Right up to, "I can't live with an active drinker." There are, of course, a thousand shades of grey in this and only you can decide what you can live with.

Fortunately, he doesn't really drink, although he can do to a container of ice cream what I used to do with a bottle of wine. :)

I think that there are opportunities here. He often will say, "I'm tired," or, "My clothes aren't fitting." Might be the moment to encourage. Fortunately, I'm a good and healthy cook, but of course I can't follow him around all day (egads, wouldn't the be awful if I could)? :) I suppose part of it is that I see how much better I feel now that I'm taking better care of myself and want to see him do the same.