thomas11

My wife, bless her heart, comes home and we ultimately have a fight over the money that I put in her account and why she needed it. Boring topic I know, but she flips her lid, like I'm questioning her integrity, which I am! Sorry to all, but she's never seen me flip my lid, I hope she doesn't. But got pissed. and that's that.
This is all so sad, that I need to post this on a website as opposed to dealing with it in the flesh. I think I can do better. In the meantime you guys are awesome, she has no idea that I have a community of support outside of our household. Thank You.

Bmac

Sorry to hear about the argument, but just take it stride brother, it's all part of being human and being in a relationship.

LBrain

I think you better let me hold the money until things cool off.

TroyW

Every relationship is different, but maybe try e-mailing each other, even if you're sitting in the same house at the time. Back when I was married, it worked for us. Allowed us to actually think through our thoughts and get them on "paper", instead of having a face-to-face argument, where both parties almost always say stupid things they regret. Then usually after a couple e-mail exchanges, we would better understand what's on each other's mind, and then there wasn't really an argument to be had. I'd go downstairs for dinner, and it'd be back to cordial & loving conversation.

Plus it allows both parties to clear the air, instead of keeping pent up frustration inside, which is never a good thing.

dog69

Yeah i'm about to blow a gasket, too. Just spent 15 minutes making a post to have it get lost in cyberspace. No patience to make another tonight. Sorry you're having a time also.

Dee74

I think communication goes a long way Jeff?

I'm not sure why you put money in your wife's account but I can tell you my wife would be furious if I did that without asking her first or at least discussing it.

I wouldn't take it as a ringing endorsement of my capacity to handle stuff if she'd put money in my account either.

Granted I may be way off base, but seems to me maybe you guys could pow-wow a little more?

In any case, nothing to drink over, right?

D

Nonsensical

A high state of irritability is fairly common in early sobriety (first 3 months, or so). I tried not to have discussions about anything I didn't have to during that time. The most trivial things were so dang annoying!

thomas11

Yes, we've done that. And I agree, it works. Thank you Troy.

thomas11

Dee you are 100% correct. We don' communicate like we should. Part of it is being being sober, and I'm very quiet at this point being sober. I'm no longer a blow hard like I was when I was drinking all the time.

LBrain

Hope things are better today thomas.

Fly N Buy

I have recently been thru ups and downs with my wife of many years. I know anger is just one letter away from danger for me as an alcohol. I must talk about what is making me upset and simply cannot afford to pop like a cork.

In sobriety I have learned I must be honest starting with myself and then others. It is brutal at times......especially learning to look at me.

Glad your here, don't let LBrain hold the money.....He bet it on losing football teams

Peace

mirage

I feel ya...communicating to someone you love about unpleasant things is HARD. I spent most of my life avoiding it. (Drinking helped.) I hate to see people's feelings hurt. My husband is like this, too, so we ended up sweeping a lot under the rug. I thought this was a decent way to get through life, it's how I saw it done in my parents' home. Long story short, resentments were there we didn't know we had, they built and things blew up in our faces. We both went to therapy (individually) and learned about how we were raised and our lack of communication and we're working on it now and things are much better. Relationships can be hard work sometimes. Good luck, things will be ok!

KeepTruckin

Ugh, don't you hate fights over stupid things?? Miscommunication is the worst. But, it's good that you aren't a "blowhard" now that you are sober! Probably prevents more fights than your being quiet starts. I know sometimes when my husband is quiet and not sharing what is going on with him it drives me NUTS. I just want to know what he's thinking or feeling or whatever when he's down. Of course, I pulled the same quiet bit on him yesterday when I was feeling down and it made him a little crazy, too. I wouldn't call it a fight, but it was a stupid reason for us to spend the evening in lousy moods.

Today is a new day and I don't think you should feel upset about posting here. I don't know how to pick my battles, so this can be a good outlet for me to get stuff off my chest. Sometimes it's NOT worth dealing with it, when once everyone calms down it doesn't seem like such a bid deal any more. I don't know if that applies to your current situation, but I'm sure you guys will get past it. Money is always a sensitive subject for everyone and people get offended over it easily. I hope you guys make up and have a good weekend together!

thomas11

Thanks everyone, My relationship with my wife is pretty spectacular actually. We got married "older" and neither one of us had been married and had no kids. so its a mature marriage if that makes sense. Complete opposite of my brother, he married at 23 and him and his wife had been dating since junior high...crazy in my opinion. My parents are the same. So I am the black sheep in the family. For many reasons. I just have to keep things under control, if my wife and i argue, I have to walk away, because of my own personal background, if I lose my sh*t, it going to end real bad. As my thread indicates, if I blow a gasket, its jailtime for jeff because I'll burn the damn house down and start bashing windows out of cars. So I have learned to take deep breaths and take a walk. My background is not pretty.

Dee74

You don't need to be a blow hard for effective communication Jeff, in fact I think being a blow hard impedes communication?

A soft voice can achieve a lot

Listening is a pretty important part of communication too, and I find that comes a lot easier to me now than it used to be too

D

silentrun

I read something I while back that arguments can be good for a relationship if done right. Sometimes my husband tries to act like my dad and I have to restore the balance with a little snappity snap. Usually once every 6 months or so. When I was drinking I actually just ignored him. It sounds like you have a good thing going with her.