kzaug2014

This has been bothering me for awhile now & I really don't know where to start?

I'm definitely not going to start @ my childhood, but 1 of my fave song's is Hell is for Children, by Pat Benatar...nuff said!

I'm a 49yr. old woman. I've been married to a drug addict for 20yrs. From the age of 18 to my early 30's, I drank & did coke ( & have done nearly every drug known to man..pot, acid, x, pills, ect...but mainly just dabbled, as I didn't care for most of them. )

Sometimes I drank a lot & sometimes very little ( there were yrs. here & there where I didn't drink @ all. No conscious thought to quitting, just got busy w/children & life. )

When my husband nearly died from Diabetic Ketoacidosis, I quit drinking. Just like that ( so did he. ) No relapses, no triggers, no nothing! Plz. don't get me wrong, because in no way shape or form, do I want to antagonize anyone here ( I'm just very confused & need a few opinions. )

I may have never been an alcoholic, but I do know for certain that I'm a drug addict.

Both my husband & I became disabled very early in life. I 1st became very ill when I was 29yr. old, w/something called Stills Disease ( rare in adults as it's a child's disease. ) I was misdiagnosed w/lupus @ 1st, as the symptoms are quite a like.

Then, at the age of 33, my hubby nearly died from a disease called ARDS. He was in a coma, on life support for 31 days.

We both became fully disabled 2yrs later when he was diagnosed with Brittle Type 1 Diabetes & I was diagnosed w/Fibromyalgia ( along w/the RA I had since the Stills Disease. ) He nearly died 2 more times w/the previously mentioned Diabetic Ketoacidosis.

We were both put on Methadone for the next 10yrs. ( I was also prescribed norcos & klonopin. )

Last yr., we both lost our doc ( we love to do everything together lol! ) As a result, we both went into opiate withdrawal ( & also benzo w/me. )

Now, I'm sure you're wondering, what the heck does all that have to do with "where do I fit in?" Plz..just a little more patience, I'm getting there lol!

The last leg of this very long journey brings me to our heroin addiction.
We were in "the pits of hell" withdrawals @ the precise time I was to give the eulogy @ my mother's funeral! So, I'm very ashamed to say, the 1st time I did H was on the day of my mother's funeral.

Fast forward 4 1/2mos & we were in rehab ( I made it through successful the 1st time, but my hubby relapsed twice...once, right away & once this past mo. )

This is where things start to get confusing for me ( & I apologize for getting so long winded. )

I made up my mind that no matter what, I'd never do H again ( & I haven't. ) But, when I went into rehab, I had no intentions to quit methadone or klonopin. Sometimes during my stay in rehab, I made this decision ( plus I was so sick w/benzo withdrawals for the next couple of mos, I just did all I could to just survive. )

And, now that I really think about it, I think I made that decision to quit drugs for good during those last 2mos, because I knew I would die if I ever had to go through those withdrawals again.

Following rehab, I went into what was suppose to be a a yr. long suboxine program, with the guidance of a doctor. I quit suboxine 6mos early & nearly 1mo ago, on Feb. 25 ( have been in withdrawals ever since. )

I'm having a really tough time clarifying my confusion...lol! S___!

Okay, I've never sought outside help like AA, NA, ect. SR is the 1st.

My life was a complete nightmare up until the age of 28 ( when I met my current hubby ) complete w/an abusive childhood & a 1st marriage that I literally escaped from w/my children & my life.

The only triggers I've experienced were a couple of wks ago, when my hubby told me he relapsed on H. So, I said F it & had my 1 & only relapse since I got out of rehab last Aug. I didn't relapse w/my DOC's ( opiates & benzos, ) but that doesn't make it any better.

I would like to add one thing about my childhood, because I think it may be the clue to who I am today. I was anorexic. After 2yrs of my grandparents paying good $$$ for a psychiatrist who didn't have a clue, I admitted myself into a pych ward ( senior yr. in high school. ) I found out that it was the only thing I could control.

This brings me up to my question, which I think I just answered for myself. Lately, I've sort of felt like a fish out of water. Why? Because I've been having a very hard time relating to the idea of ( in my head ) triggers, relapsing & why don't addicts just quit ( which I know I am, there for my confusion! )

I've been telling my hubby about SR & last night, he asked me what to do about the voices in his head that said "I want to do drugs?" I told him that's why he needed to go to a support group, because I had absolutely no idea.

I'm not sure, but I think I may have an addiction to "the need to control myself." This would explain why I am able to quit everything I put my mind to ( anorexia, drinking, which I most definitely couldn't control myself & drugs ) because my need to control me is far greater than my need anything else.

Another question I have is maybe I'm not different at all & I would have learned this had I gone to NA?

I read a lot of stories about people drinking to be the life of the party, to be liked, have low self-esteem, ect... While I'm certain I must have low self-esteem, I never cared if anyone liked me, much to the dismay of my hubby lol ( I've embarrassed him on more than 1 occasion. )

The hardest part of all of this is finding people I can relate to ( & that can support me & visa versa. )

I don't even know what my sobriety date is? When I signed up @ SR, I put Feb.25, since that is the day I quit suboxine. But, that's not my DOC. Opiates & benzos are & I quit them last Aug. Or, is it my relapse day ( Mar 15? )

I have no idea if anyone can relate to me, but I thought maybe it's time for me to finally try ( & to be fair, I've started to make friends here at SB. ) Its also been a bit difficult finding very many people who've successfully kicked benzos ( or even want to. ) But, no matter what kind of addict I am ( probably a bunch of different ones ) I now know I may need some friends.

Alright, my whining session is at a end! Lol!

kzaug2014

P.P.S. If anything, can someone advise me as to what "Class of" I should join ( my sobriety date? ) I would appreciate it, because I'd like to join 1 of the 3 dates!

SoberLeigh

Hi, kzaug.

I think that, if it was me, I would use my last date of use of anything as my sobriety date; even if it wasn't my drug of choice, alcohol, I suspect that I would have used for the same reason (to escape something/to alter me) which would, for me, be a relapse as I was not able to employ healthy coping skills.

Most importantly, kzaug, you are sober TODAY; keep making that choice day after day.

Anna

You are welcome to post on any threads, on any 'Class' on the boards, no problem.

I wonder why you feel you cannot relate to us? We have many members who have recovered from benzo addiction and you'll find lots of information about that when you read around the forums.

I'm glad you found us.

kzaug2014

Ty, Soberleigh! I really appreciate your opinion!

And, ty for reading what I wrote w/an open mind. You're right. I need to learn a lot more coping skills.

kzaug2014

Because not a lot of recovering benzo addicts post on a daily basis, Anna...which makes me wonder, do B addicts stick around? Do they relapse? Or are they just a bunch of unsociable people ( like I am, at times? )

Regardless of the answer, I will never take a benzo as long as I live ( & I know this. )

Ty for responding!

LBrain

Hi kz. I know very little about "drugs". I don't know about folks on the substance abuse forums or their participation. I DO know that there are a couple groups, "classes" that are quite active. The 'marchers' comes to mind. I don't think it matters what your DOC is. It is a welcoming and supportive group of people no matter what.

As for yourself and what you want etc. You mentioned you like to be in control of yourself - something like that. You can choose to manipulate yourself into being what you wish.

Try this. Without taking anything into account, none of your past, none of your childhood or any of your recent battles with drugs, define who you want to be.
Write out a description of the person you would be if it was up to you. I don't mean rich and famous or anything like that. I mean, write down a description of the type of person you would be if it was up to you. Then, using your determination as a person who likes to control their very essence, BECOME THAT PERSON.

Best wishes.

Gilmer

Maybe other benzo users see sparse action in the threads there and get discouraged from posting. If you set your mind to posting there--even if it's day after day with no responses--eventually you'll see people coming out of the woodwork. You have got a lot of positivity, and I know people would benefit from your regular contributions.

courage2

Hi kzaug -- a daily support class is a great idea. Even though my sobriety month is no longer what it once was, I still post to my original class. There aren't rules about which class you post to -- maybe post to all 3, until you decide which group you feel most comfortable in, which group you feel like you can give and receive support.

You might be most comfortable in the most recent group, only because the older groups all know one another already so it's been my observation that it's a little harder for people to find a place to fit in late.

There's also the One Year and Under (Undies) group, which is very welcoming to all!

Nowsthetime

Hello!

You can post where you want . SR is a really open community. All these answers have to come from you. One of the good things about SR is that you can put your thoughts out there and get lots of feedback you can take what you like and discard what you don't like. it is always a lot of perspectives and opinions always presented in a respectful way.

I suggest you read a lot. If it has clicked this time is will be the most amazing decision in your life. You say you are addicted to controlling yourself. If you want to be sober then be sober. After hanging in SR for a while I now believe that being sober is cool, nonconformist and sexy!!!

Nice to meet you and hope to see you around.

DrunkTx

Kzaug - I have never heard of our diseases categorized quite the way you did: addicted to being in control, but funny enough your rationality makes sense. I happen to be in your category, if I feel like something has taken control of me, I have no issues stopping it. And my resolve is unshakable. I quit drinking, largely because I knew I was no longer in control (literally woke up one night and said enough). I never had any accidents, no lost friends, no job loss, etc. it was just that I was no longer driving. Same thing with cigs, I was a pack a day smoker all through college. One day, just said enough. I can do the same with foods, weight, etc. whenever I feel my self go, it's almost like my ego intervenes and says, hell no! I have even had people (wife, friends, family) remark on how I can just turn it off, and not look back (currently 3.5yrs sober give or take). All that said, my explanation has never been addiction to control, rather brutal honesty with myself. I have and had no illusions that when I really started drinking, I had no ability to control it. My stopping wasn't because I wanted control, it's because I knew that if the liquor was driving, death and destruction was inevitable, it was just a question of when. When I quit smoking, I knew I stunk, i had no stamina, my lungs were hurting, and my general health was disproportionately deteriorating. Again - death and destruction inevitable.

I guess my take is maybe your gift is self awareness and honesty. All those things you quoted your ability to control, would have also resulted in your death. Maybe you value and love your life too much to let that happen. In a sense, me, like you are bat shiz crazy. But maybe in our core we still have enough self preserving sanity to override our poor habits and behavior.

kzaug2014

Hi Brain! Ty for your advice on starting a journal ( I actually started thinking about this myself, as I approached the end of this post. )
Also, I appreciate your cluing me in about the different classes here!

Gilmore, you're a true sweetie! And, I love your idea!!!

Courage, I just met you yesterday & I already like you! I think I will join the newest one ( & possibly that one yr. & under group also!

I happened upon the Christian recovery group & realized that I was giving myself far too much credit! I'm a Christian ( always have been & always will be ) God has been my strength ( even when I didn't know it. )

kzaug2014

Hi Drunk! Lol! Thank goodness...there's someone out there as like me ( like you said..."bat shiz crazy!" )
I've always been a lil different! I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. It's just the way it is! Lol!

Ty!

heartcore

Kzaug -

I'd say that many of us have control issues/perfection issues. It is just one of the qualities that tends to lead toward addiction. My core addiction (DOC) was cocaine/amphetamines because I am able to be so darned perfect while using - my work is done, my house is clean, I'm thin, I'm dynamic...

This is the side of the coin that isn't part of the public perception of addiction.

And I agree with you that many folks with eating disorders also fall into this category.

But when I read your story, my response is that even with all your capacity to quit things, they are immediately replaced by other substances or behaviors. It is like the smoker who says (and I've actually said this out loud!!) - "Oh, I'm great at quitting smoking. I've quit many times in my lifetime..."

It is the staying quit, the not-switching to something else, and the healing of the inner self that is the work of recovery.

As to where to post, the newcomers forum gets the most action on these boards. Being a newcomer applies no matter what your drug of choice is/was.

If you decide to go to meetings, NA fits your story most. I started in NA, many years ago, when I first quit drugs. Many years later, when I returned to 12 step programs, I chose AA - partially because my "using" had expressed itself with alcohol (I never returned to my DOC) and partially because folks were older and had longer periods of recovery. I have been welcomed lovingly into AA here, and always introduce myself as "I'm ***, addict and alcoholic." This would be frowned upon in some AA communities, but I'm in rural Alaska, so we're expansive in our definitions, as frontier folk are...

I welcome you to the SR community; you're in the right place. You've spent your entire life dancing with different substances, and it will be a fascinating journey to re-discover your true self. I also had a very sketchy childhood, and much of the trauma I carried from that was deeply buried by my substance abuse. Being sober allowed me to approach some of those issues like a warrior. I've worked in therapy at different periods of my recovery to address my childhood abuse issues.

Recovery is just about getting clear in yourself. I quit smoking cigarettes about six months ago, and a whole new pile of "stuff" emerged that had to be dealt with. It was the right time though, and I've been able to stay quit and just keep moving through.

What sustains this process for me is my intense curiosity about what happens next...I keep changing inside a full sobriety, and have no idea how I'll come out in the end. My perfectionism and control issues are also slowly softening, and I attribute that to my recovery work.

Ruby2

Hi kzaug, as you probably know, I'm a straight up alcoholic but I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think posting regardless of where is a great idea. The problems I have are very little to do with how much alcohol I drank and everything with how I coped with life's problems. I didn't. I didn't know how to and drinking became the solution to every problem or celebration of every milestone. So hanging out and posting is great.

I'm a little different and I'm ok with that, most of the time. Sometimes when I'm.really honest with myself, it's not ok. You've been through a lot and I can just tell from your post that you are strong. It shines through. I like what brain wrote a lot. You can be who you want to be. I think you are already but need to write it down to recognize that. Yay kzaug!!!

kzaug2014

Hi Heartcore!

Wow! You also get an "A" for how insightful you are!

I'd have to agree w/you about substituting one substance for another. I'm running out of substances lolI ( yes, I use humor as a weapon! )

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me! And, for the 1st time in my life, I'm looking forward to it ( somewhat. )

Ty so much for your extremely intuitive response, I really do appreciate it!

kzaug2014

Aawwww, shucks Ruby! You already signed up w/this crazy train of mine when you accepted my friendship! You didn't need to say all those sweet things! Lol!

I'm glad you did though!

Yep, I almost didn't post my thaughts today, but then I said to myself "if I can't be honest w/a bunch of people I've never met face to face, then who can I be honest w/?"

Gilmer

The One Year and Under group (the self-proclaimed "Undies") are a really solid, supportive group that is very welcoming of outsiders.

My original classes were Jan., May, and Nov. 2013, but they have all dwindled down to practically nothing. About a year ago, I started hanging around the March 2013 thread and liked it so much that I asked if I could join. They're a great bunch, so they said yes, even though I wasn't in on everything from the beginning. Now it's my home thread.

I actually post all over the board. I like everything about SR! There's serious help, there's a pat on the back, there is sometimes a kick in the pants, and there is always solid wisdom. Oh, and humor!

kzaug2014

Ty Gilmer! I signed up w/the Mar group ( I need to 're-check the year...yikes! )

And I was also just reading posts over @ a year & under!

I really like your idea about posting over at the benzo forum ( if only to say when I quit & hello! )

Hugs!

kzaug2014

I just want to say how grateful I am to everyone that replied! The support on this site is outstanding! And I truly appreciate it!