Sad
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Sad
I have had to go no contact with my alcoholic brother (he denies he is an alcoholic) because he is so very verbally abusive. By extension, his kids are not in contact with me, although I have tried to reach out to them, but to no avail.
The oldest son is graduating from his doctorate level program in May and is getting married shortly thereafter. I sent him a text to congratulate him and tell him how proud I am of him. Surprisingly he texted back a short thank you. Then he said he was sorry for not returning my calls, emails, texts but his dad's relationship with me was "complicated". I asked what he meant and he said that his father blames me for all of the discord and he has no interest in having a relationship with me. So I told my nephew that his father's drinking was the cause of the discord and that although I love my brother, I cannot tolerate being treated so badly. I also said that I am not "judging" his father, but hoping that he will seek treatment for his illness.
That ended all communication between me and my nephew AGAIN. My texts from that point on were returned unopened and he won't accept my calls.
I feel so sad about this. Did I do the wrong thing here by citing my brother's drinking?
The oldest son is graduating from his doctorate level program in May and is getting married shortly thereafter. I sent him a text to congratulate him and tell him how proud I am of him. Surprisingly he texted back a short thank you. Then he said he was sorry for not returning my calls, emails, texts but his dad's relationship with me was "complicated". I asked what he meant and he said that his father blames me for all of the discord and he has no interest in having a relationship with me. So I told my nephew that his father's drinking was the cause of the discord and that although I love my brother, I cannot tolerate being treated so badly. I also said that I am not "judging" his father, but hoping that he will seek treatment for his illness.
That ended all communication between me and my nephew AGAIN. My texts from that point on were returned unopened and he won't accept my calls.
I feel so sad about this. Did I do the wrong thing here by citing my brother's drinking?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Art Friend,
It looks to me that you did the right thing, in explaining things to your nephew, in hopes of reconnecting. If he chose to not accept what you said as true, that is not anything that you can help. Perhaps he is convinced by his fathers denial.
Sadly, someday he will probably see the truth.
I see nothing wrong in what you said to your nephew. Perhaps he will think more on it, and come around some day.
I hope your brother finds recovery.
hugs
chicory
It looks to me that you did the right thing, in explaining things to your nephew, in hopes of reconnecting. If he chose to not accept what you said as true, that is not anything that you can help. Perhaps he is convinced by his fathers denial.
Sadly, someday he will probably see the truth.
I see nothing wrong in what you said to your nephew. Perhaps he will think more on it, and come around some day.
I hope your brother finds recovery.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
AF,
You cant control what other think and do. Regardless if you are right or wrong, they are going to do what they are going to do. It is an uphill battle which you can not win, so in my opinion stop playing/working. Focus your time and energy in a place where it will be welcome, appreciated and reciprocated.
Good luck.
You cant control what other think and do. Regardless if you are right or wrong, they are going to do what they are going to do. It is an uphill battle which you can not win, so in my opinion stop playing/working. Focus your time and energy in a place where it will be welcome, appreciated and reciprocated.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 346
ArtFriend,
I am sorry for the difficult relationship you have with your brother. IMHO, I don't think it was helpful to your relationship with your nephew to bring it up. I would focus on my relationship with him.
My father and my Aunt have a tense relationship as well and I try to stay out of it. I love my aunt but sometimes it feels as if she is bad mouthing my father. She has every right, she knows him in a way I never will. But it makes me feel awkward. I mean, that's my dad. He's not perfect, who is? But he raised me and I love. I never want to be put in the middle and when/if they complain about each other I feel really uncomfortable.
I don't know if any of this relates to you. I just know that in my family I just wish they would work on their issues... or not. I don't want to choose a side. It is none of my business and when I am put in the middle, I pull away.
My heart goes out to you. I have followed your posts since I joined here and know you are full of love.
I am sorry for the difficult relationship you have with your brother. IMHO, I don't think it was helpful to your relationship with your nephew to bring it up. I would focus on my relationship with him.
My father and my Aunt have a tense relationship as well and I try to stay out of it. I love my aunt but sometimes it feels as if she is bad mouthing my father. She has every right, she knows him in a way I never will. But it makes me feel awkward. I mean, that's my dad. He's not perfect, who is? But he raised me and I love. I never want to be put in the middle and when/if they complain about each other I feel really uncomfortable.
I don't know if any of this relates to you. I just know that in my family I just wish they would work on their issues... or not. I don't want to choose a side. It is none of my business and when I am put in the middle, I pull away.
My heart goes out to you. I have followed your posts since I joined here and know you are full of love.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
My uncle died of liver cancer. He was alcoholic. He and my aunt had three kids of roughly my age and I am close to one of my cousins and we see each other a fair bit. And although he knows his father was an alcoholic his brother has never accepted it.
They (and I) don't push the issue, despite their dad making their childhoods pretty miserable. Sometimes it is best to let sleeping dogs lay.
They (and I) don't push the issue, despite their dad making their childhoods pretty miserable. Sometimes it is best to let sleeping dogs lay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. Axiom, thanks for sharing your situation. Just to be clear, I never "bad mouth" my brother to the kids. That would be very unfair to them. I understand they feel put in the middle, so I have been careful about that. In this instance however my nephew "brought it up" as he told me how his dad blamed me for all of it. I suppose I could have just not responded to it, but I felt like he needed to understand the reasons for the alienation is all about his dad's drinking. I even apologized to my nephew later telling him I was sorry if I upset him, but he won't take my texts.
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(((ArtFriend)))
I think you said what you need to say and hopefully your nephew will see things with a different perspective as time goes by. I know how painful it is to be in the position you are in.
I think you said what you need to say and hopefully your nephew will see things with a different perspective as time goes by. I know how painful it is to be in the position you are in.
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