thomas11

So I've had alcohol issues over the years, been through the different phases. Our family is small, just parents, my 1 brother and our wives. Other than my wife, my parents were extremely hard on me (always have been, about everything). When I was going through my troubles, they treated me like I was 16, verbally scolding me, telling me everything I was and have done wrong in my life, the works. So our family all lives in the same town, parents live 10 minutes away and I try to make an effort to see them about once a month. Guess what the first thing is they offer me when I walk through the door? Yep, a drink. I just shake my head. Anyway, last few times I've declined and said thanks anyway. They don't leave it alone. 10 minutes later its "sure you don't want just one", I'll be chatting with my dad outside and he'll say "will you wife get mad at you?" I tell him that she could care less, I just don't want a drink, but thanks. How does this compute? Bless them, they are great parents and I love them, but this I cannot figure out.

Alynn

Hmmm thats a difficult one. Do they know exactly how serious you are about not drinking?

Pouncer

Jeezus. Can you tell them nicely to lay off?



Good for you for standing your ground. Glad to hear you are doing better, too

LBrain

let them know you won't come around if they keep trying to force a drink on you.

if you want to...

thomas11

Yes, sort of. I believe they think its all talk and no action, but I'm showing them action and they are baffled.

I also they think they have their own alcohol issues, and always have had them.

thomas11

That's kind of what I'm doing now. Its gonna take some time before they actually believe I can turn down a drink without batting an eye.

herradura

Sometimes I think parents just don't get it. Mine always offer me a beer and even though it is obvious I have a weight problem, my Mother pushes food on me from the moment I go to her house until I leave. Not once or twice, but every few minutes. Finally I just tell her I am good thanks, if I want something I will let you know. It slows down the offering, are you sure you don't dont want something to eat? Yeah, I am sure, but thanks again, thanks, but no, I don't want anything. Maybe that will help you.

ScottFromWI

It's tough enough for us to accept our own addiction, and even harder for others to understand - especially if they don't even know about your intentions.

360shoes

Hi Thomas11,

I've kind of had a revelation about these sorts of situations here in the last few months. Beings I was one who could spend weeks, months, years, trying to figure other people out.

I only have so much energy. We all only have so much energy. I'm am far better off using my energy to work on me on how to become okay with what other people do..don't do. And once I figure out what works for me to be okay and calm and serene regardless, I have plenty of time to try to figure out someone else.

But usually, if I do me first, by the time I do that...I have no need to know why they do what they do. It's the weirdest thing but it works for me.

Poor parents. I loved mine too. But they drove me nuts on the flipslide. They thought I never did anything wrong and I was perfect. I spent most of my life trying to live up to that illusion. I failed miserably. I only have my Dad left. I'm still his universe. But that's okay. I'm okay with just excepting that's what he does. I don't need to know why. I just need to know why I do what I do. And just love him the best way I know how.

Good for you for just stating the fact you don't drink but thanks. Good for you for loving them inspite of having to scratch your head over a lot of what they do.

I think you handled it very well.

Soberween

My sister had something similar happen when she got sober ten years ago after showing up for work drunk. It was a really awful time and I talked to her boss afterwards and told her that my sister was going to go get help for her problem and would be back after completing a 28 day program. We never actually said the 'alcoholism' while discussing my sister's problem, but I was certain she knew what I was talking about. So anyhow, my sister completes the program goes back to work and they had a business trip to Vegas and the same boss kept offering my sister drinks. This is a very educated woman. Of course, my sister didn't drink. It's weird that some people who are very intelligent just don't get it. They think you can go back to drinking like a normie after rehab.

Pouncer

Very true. Good to remember for us non-moderators, too.

BoozeFree

My family does the same thing to me. I just keep saying no thanks and always have a soda or something in my hand.

Fluffer

So here's my armchair speculation on the situation - I see two main possibilities.

#1 is that this is just a case of the classic covert war between drinkers and non-drinkers, where drinkers feel strangely uncomfortable in the presence of non-drinkers. This is attributable to the fact that most serious drinkers know on some level that they are being foolish and self-destructive in their habit and the presence of someone who has left the fold causes this cognitive dissonance to arise and confront them. This is why drinkers typically hang out with their own kind.

Possibility #2 is somewhat darker so I hope it's not the case, but unfortunately you do see it a lot in some unhealthy relationships. This is where the person offering the drinks on some level fears that the former drinker will cease to be hobbled and made powerless by alcohol. The shift in power dynamics arising from the new sobriety is viewed as a threat to the dynamic of the relationship. Unfortunately, what you described as your parents' verbal abuse and trying to infantilize you sounds like it may support this theory. I hope that's not the case.

Good luck dealing with the situation, whatever the real cause of it!

silentrun

It is probably hard for them to know how to treat the situation. I just started telling the people in my life that still drank that my drinking was getting out of control and I was done drinking.

Dee74

My family are like that, and some of them still are.

They just have no conception of alcoholism. To them, all you need to do is 'know when you've had enough'.

I don't feel anger or anything towards them anymore - they simply do not understand.

They offer, I say no thanks, we move on

D

thomas11

Hi Fluffer, unfortunately I think your #2 is probably the reality of it. If I'm straightened out they have no ammunition to play psychologist with me.

Mountainmanbob

Some people (such as my neighbor) will never understand
why I don't drink anymore (7 years)
even though he saw me at my worst ??

Has no effect on me today
as I move on in my peaceful sober life

MM

SoberLeigh

Scenario #2 is certainly a sad one. Love and treat yourself, thomas, in the way that your parents should love you - with respect and your very best interests in their hearts.

DrunkenDonuts

Buy a crack pipe, take it out at their house and offer them a hit. When they go medieval on you just explain that for you, alcohol is just as bad as crack is to them.

- edit... This is not an endorsement of drugs. Don't buy them or use them.

johnt99

I recall a time when my sister was in rehab for alcohol and my dad kept asking the counselor, "But this doesn't mean she won't be able to drink ever again, does it?" I'm positive him and my other relatives on his side wouldn't understand why anyone would choose not to drink, short of being unable to because of severe cirrhosis or something like that.