Back again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 21
Back again
Rehab, sober for awhile. Then off the wagon. This sucks. I hate being a drunk. I'm terrified of never drinking again. You all know the drill. I start off the day with the best of intentions then wonder how the hell I ended up in the damn liquor store.
Went to AA for first time in awhile over lunch.
At work now, will post more later.
Went to AA for first time in awhile over lunch.
At work now, will post more later.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 21
Well done coming back and getting to AA, notdoingfine! I've tried and failed at sobriety so many times. It's so painful. But what's that saying? Fall down eight times get up nine, something like that. Congratulations on making it back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
The moment I embraced the fact that I don't have to drink again was the moment I was set free. It doesn't have to be terrifying. It can actually become the most liberating feeling in the world. And it's yours for the taking!! How lucky are you?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 21
My drunkalog? (b.t.w. not worried about withdrawal. went through that a couple weeks ago. had a few slips since then. slips. I love our euphamisms).
I just went through a divorce. Most may think that the divorce was a result of my drinking. It's the other way around. The drinking was a result of my marriage...
I'm a late bloomer. The problem drinking didn't start until I was 37 or so. I'm 43 now. At least, that's when the slide started. I was married at 30. Ex lied and cheated on me through our entire marriage. She squandered what I speculate was 100's of thousands through our marriage. I'm a high bottom drunk. She was/is also a high earner. And lied about her spending too. Clothes and hotel rooms probably. Who cares. Happy to be out.
It all started with panic attacks. This sounds so stupid and I am such a ******* idiot. Anyhow, I was having panic attacks. I hated the job I had at the time, wanted to find another. Thing is though, ex would constantly threaten me with divorce as I didn't earn enough money. This was ridiculous. So, to manage those panic attacks I started working out. Ended up in pretty good shape. But in that process I looked up what alcohol has the least amount of calories as I didn't want to drink beer. Well guess what. That turns out to be vodka. And therein lies the problem.
I'd go work out. Feel great coming out. Want to go have a beer. No beer though. So go get a half-pint of vodka. I've since learned that that amounts to what is 4 standard drinks. I would get that half-pint every few days or so. Drink that with soda and lime over a couple hours. Rarely amounting to more than 12 in a week. Completely within healthy limits.
I recognize now that it was not healthy. Thing is, I noticed very quickly that my panic and anxiety went away with those drinks. Much more so than any physical activity. So it started to increase. I even recall having the internal conversation with myself. If I don't stop, I'm going to cross a line from which there is no going back. You all know the progression. Sure as ****, I did. I began to realize that I was killing myself. You all know that's where it ends. Death or prison. I didn't care. That's why I was continuing. I want/ed to die but just didn't have the balls to eat a barrel.
**** this. I'm worth it and I want to live. Eventually I go to detox and a rehab. Took time off of work. Started going to multiple AA meetings a day. It was like being released from hell. The ex, bless her heart, told me I needed to start weaning myself off of AA meetings. WTF? She also decided it'd be a great thing to go ridicule me on facebook. "I wish I had a drinking problem so could take three weeks off work." Real princess, that one.
So the drinking starts up again. After four months I realize that while I may, through great effort and misery, stop drinking in that environment, I will never be sober and healthy. So I move out. The drinking doesn't stop but instead returns to "healthy" levels. For a time. As I negotiate my way through this divorce anxiety/panic start to build again. October-December last year it peaks.
So here I am. Out of the environment but the addiction I placed in myself through my choices remain. I hate AA. I don't buy in to the disease theory. Doing so relieves me of responsibility of my choices. The efficacy of 12 step programs is dismal. If any other medical treatment boasted those success rates with any other "disease" would it be called anything other than snake oil? I'll go to AA anyway though, because as much as I hate it, it does help with the craving. So I'm glad to have it.
None of that really matters though, right? Here I am. A drunk. Better than I was, but not where I need to be. Still a alcoholic and miserable with it. Making those in my life that love me sadder and miserable themselves.
I'm scared ********, and the craving is indescribable. But you all have been here. Thanks to anyone who read this all.
I just went through a divorce. Most may think that the divorce was a result of my drinking. It's the other way around. The drinking was a result of my marriage...
I'm a late bloomer. The problem drinking didn't start until I was 37 or so. I'm 43 now. At least, that's when the slide started. I was married at 30. Ex lied and cheated on me through our entire marriage. She squandered what I speculate was 100's of thousands through our marriage. I'm a high bottom drunk. She was/is also a high earner. And lied about her spending too. Clothes and hotel rooms probably. Who cares. Happy to be out.
It all started with panic attacks. This sounds so stupid and I am such a ******* idiot. Anyhow, I was having panic attacks. I hated the job I had at the time, wanted to find another. Thing is though, ex would constantly threaten me with divorce as I didn't earn enough money. This was ridiculous. So, to manage those panic attacks I started working out. Ended up in pretty good shape. But in that process I looked up what alcohol has the least amount of calories as I didn't want to drink beer. Well guess what. That turns out to be vodka. And therein lies the problem.
I'd go work out. Feel great coming out. Want to go have a beer. No beer though. So go get a half-pint of vodka. I've since learned that that amounts to what is 4 standard drinks. I would get that half-pint every few days or so. Drink that with soda and lime over a couple hours. Rarely amounting to more than 12 in a week. Completely within healthy limits.
I recognize now that it was not healthy. Thing is, I noticed very quickly that my panic and anxiety went away with those drinks. Much more so than any physical activity. So it started to increase. I even recall having the internal conversation with myself. If I don't stop, I'm going to cross a line from which there is no going back. You all know the progression. Sure as ****, I did. I began to realize that I was killing myself. You all know that's where it ends. Death or prison. I didn't care. That's why I was continuing. I want/ed to die but just didn't have the balls to eat a barrel.
**** this. I'm worth it and I want to live. Eventually I go to detox and a rehab. Took time off of work. Started going to multiple AA meetings a day. It was like being released from hell. The ex, bless her heart, told me I needed to start weaning myself off of AA meetings. WTF? She also decided it'd be a great thing to go ridicule me on facebook. "I wish I had a drinking problem so could take three weeks off work." Real princess, that one.
So the drinking starts up again. After four months I realize that while I may, through great effort and misery, stop drinking in that environment, I will never be sober and healthy. So I move out. The drinking doesn't stop but instead returns to "healthy" levels. For a time. As I negotiate my way through this divorce anxiety/panic start to build again. October-December last year it peaks.
So here I am. Out of the environment but the addiction I placed in myself through my choices remain. I hate AA. I don't buy in to the disease theory. Doing so relieves me of responsibility of my choices. The efficacy of 12 step programs is dismal. If any other medical treatment boasted those success rates with any other "disease" would it be called anything other than snake oil? I'll go to AA anyway though, because as much as I hate it, it does help with the craving. So I'm glad to have it.
None of that really matters though, right? Here I am. A drunk. Better than I was, but not where I need to be. Still a alcoholic and miserable with it. Making those in my life that love me sadder and miserable themselves.
I'm scared ********, and the craving is indescribable. But you all have been here. Thanks to anyone who read this all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
hi notdoingfine, I respect the brutal honesty about yourself and your situation. It appears in addition to fighting the booze, there is some pent up anger? I'm sure others will have much more sound advice than myself, so I would listen to them. But, the fear and panic sounds like the booze to me. First things first, get the booze out of your system. Doesn't matter how, where, what method, just get it out. Then start to tackle other aspects of your life with a clear mind. You know you can do it, as you have done it before. Keep us posted and I sincerely wish you the best.
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