Feeling crushed and sad
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
He may be angry about other issues--lots of stuff comes out that partner has been keeping in when we get sober.
Not excusing his bad actions, but sobriety is for you, not him.
I think it's fantastic you have got a week
Keep going and ignore his judgmental azz. . . .
Not excusing his bad actions, but sobriety is for you, not him.
I think it's fantastic you have got a week
Keep going and ignore his judgmental azz. . . .
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I didn't get any pats on the back either and I understand the way you feel. Ultimately, I think it can help you to get through this, because it becomes so clear that you are doing this for yourself and to be the best person you can. Focus on feeling good about what you're doing and don't worry about what your husband says.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Well done on one week. You've got past one of the hardest parts. Keep going.
I know it's incredibly difficult to deal with someone else's random anger but I'm guessing that if it's all of a sudden and first thing in the morning it has not much to do with any real or imaginary weight gain. When I wake up angry about something it usually means that I've got a whole lot of other stuff going on between my ears and I focus, however unfairly, on the first thing that pops into my head.
Does your husband support your sobriety? Is he perhaps missing his drinking buddy? Is he a jealous type and your sobriety is making him nervous? All these or none of these could be the reason. He could even be angry with himself and is misdirecting his anger at you.
It's not you. It's him. Keep up the good work.
I know it's incredibly difficult to deal with someone else's random anger but I'm guessing that if it's all of a sudden and first thing in the morning it has not much to do with any real or imaginary weight gain. When I wake up angry about something it usually means that I've got a whole lot of other stuff going on between my ears and I focus, however unfairly, on the first thing that pops into my head.
Does your husband support your sobriety? Is he perhaps missing his drinking buddy? Is he a jealous type and your sobriety is making him nervous? All these or none of these could be the reason. He could even be angry with himself and is misdirecting his anger at you.
It's not you. It's him. Keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Congratulations on your first sober week, Joyseek; well done.
(No pats on the back were experienced here, either; 'normies' (luckily and blessedly for them) just don't understand how difficult it is not to do something).
Keep on, Joyseek; eventually the benefits of sobriety will be all the pats on the back you need; sobriety rocks.
(No pats on the back were experienced here, either; 'normies' (luckily and blessedly for them) just don't understand how difficult it is not to do something).
Keep on, Joyseek; eventually the benefits of sobriety will be all the pats on the back you need; sobriety rocks.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 780
Well done on 1 week. Yeah same, i wanted recognition for stopping, most people just dont get that. Come here and share your joy with us.
As for his comment.....ggrrrrr. That'll happen in your own time! Be good to yourself.
As for his comment.....ggrrrrr. That'll happen in your own time! Be good to yourself.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Separating myself from my guilt and shame, my remorse, was a major milestone for me in early sobriety.
I didn't have very much left in the way of friends when I got sober, and I was living alone, so I needed to work to find support. My family slowly came around and eventually were very supportive, but that wouldn't have been enough for me to get through in the beginning.
I sought out a number of resources for support...AA, IOP and individual alcohol and drug counseling. I didn't actually need to ask for support in these "places," since everyone concerned had been through something similar to what I'd done to myself. Yet I often felt ashamed early on when people would congratulate me for my progress. What I often heard, though it was never spoken, was, "Congratulations for being less of an A-hole than you've been for the past three years." I didn't believe that I deserved support for trying to do what was right for me, rather than focusing on fulfilling my own wants and needs to the tremendous detriment of other people and, ultimately, to myself.
Not to promote unfair stereotypes, but a lot of men buy into the idea that our society pressures both men and women to believe; that weight is a major issue for women, and so we focus on what's most vulnerable in our partners when we're angry about pretty much anything. It's a nasty way to go, but we cannot overcome such things without working on self-awareness...to uncover the true source of our anger and/or to appreciate how hurtful such comments truly are.
As I've commented before, I could never have gotten sober following my relapse without a great deal of support, even though I denied this early on. Being human, my past occasionally returns with a great deal of emotion that shakes me inside, but the duration is typically short, and the intensity is not nearly as strong as it once was. And then I move on.
There used to be a saying in AA, referring to the past: "You can look back, but don't stare."
I didn't have very much left in the way of friends when I got sober, and I was living alone, so I needed to work to find support. My family slowly came around and eventually were very supportive, but that wouldn't have been enough for me to get through in the beginning.
I sought out a number of resources for support...AA, IOP and individual alcohol and drug counseling. I didn't actually need to ask for support in these "places," since everyone concerned had been through something similar to what I'd done to myself. Yet I often felt ashamed early on when people would congratulate me for my progress. What I often heard, though it was never spoken, was, "Congratulations for being less of an A-hole than you've been for the past three years." I didn't believe that I deserved support for trying to do what was right for me, rather than focusing on fulfilling my own wants and needs to the tremendous detriment of other people and, ultimately, to myself.
Not to promote unfair stereotypes, but a lot of men buy into the idea that our society pressures both men and women to believe; that weight is a major issue for women, and so we focus on what's most vulnerable in our partners when we're angry about pretty much anything. It's a nasty way to go, but we cannot overcome such things without working on self-awareness...to uncover the true source of our anger and/or to appreciate how hurtful such comments truly are.
As I've commented before, I could never have gotten sober following my relapse without a great deal of support, even though I denied this early on. Being human, my past occasionally returns with a great deal of emotion that shakes me inside, but the duration is typically short, and the intensity is not nearly as strong as it once was. And then I move on.
There used to be a saying in AA, referring to the past: "You can look back, but don't stare."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Joyseek 
Today is one very hard week of sober for me and instead of DH saying congrats I wake up to him being pissed off at me for gaining weight. How incredibly insensitive?
Try your best to set aside others' crap. Right now, the focus needs to be on your sobriety and on not letting it get rattled by external influences.
What you're describing in terms of your relationship sounds really frustrating, unfair and disappointing.... but try to just let go and deal with that later.
First things first; Sobriety. The rest will follow and it will freakin' AMAZING... trust me.
hang in there, you're on the right path.
#soberliferocks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by rosalia
Everyone here is right - it's about you; make sure you give yourself a pat on the back. Be proud of yourself - its an accomplishment that is all yours.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
I have a spouse who is the opposite of supportive so I understand how that hurts. There's a part of me that is fierce in the face of his remarks, that says I'll show you! If you can find a way to turn those remarks into motivation, and understand they are about him, not you, you will triumph. Congratulations on a week, that's a great start!
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