Gosh I want off this train
 

I'm so tired of getting it under control, and then going off the rails.
I've been such a strong, stubborn person my whole life. Have run marathons, taught myself to play different instruments, have lots of skills and hobbies. But I can't seem to teach myself to not reach for that bottle, and it's wearing me down.

I know the answer is simple: just stop. And I do, until I don't. I self medicate for a job I hate, for the inadequacy I feel, for the self fulfilling prophecy that this disease is.

I'm smarter than this, and I do it anyway. I want to stop , and I commit to stop, and I do it anyway.

Just feeling really run down by it all today. Drank way too much yesterday, and woke up this morning feeling predictably terrible. Nursing my way through queasy stomach, achy head, terrible cramps. And today, at least, I know I'll stay sober. Mostly I feel the shame and pain in my heart that best intentions aren't enough, I need a better plan. I need to surround myself with success. I just need to f'n stop. So I have to figure out a way to stay sober tomorrow, when I'm not sick in body and instead feeling sick at heart.

:headbange

Have you tried meetings ?

In all of my years of being a genius I finally figured out what I had to do so that alcohol could no longer take over my being.

I quit drinking. Don't pick up that first drink. It had to be something that simple. Why do we over complicate things?
Don't pick up that first drink.

If you're tired of failing, stop giving up.


It has to be a one-time, no matter what decision. I find all my life problems much easier to solve without the alcohol. Start again.

What bimini said

Take the resoucefulness and discipline you have for other things like running and music,
and apply it to this situation.

You can do it, but the absolute will to do it must be in place for it to work.
What is your sobriety plan? What actions do you plan for if tempted?
What extra support are you giving yourself, body and soul, while you do this?

That was the key to success for me. . .

You can learn to make changes in your life that make you feel better. Remember stopping drinking doesn't solve all your problems. You're still going to have the job you self-medicated over. But, if you're sober you can get your resume organized and look for a better job or keep an eye on open positions in your company.

You can do this!

When I think about the term "surrender" in regards to recovery, I think of surrendering control. We expend so much energy to keep alcohol is our life while at the same time, fearing the effort it takes to get sober.

That's not the case. Drinking and the cycle of misery it brings takes way more effort. You can't control alcohol, drinking. So surrender to recovery.

Being ambitious, stubborn and perfectionistic is hard. There are always standards that you think you should be meeting. Anyway, I can relate.

There are many ways to sobriety and I hope you find yours. I am only on day nine after a long relapse, but telling myself can drink but I won't has helped.

Each relapse makes sobering up more difficult. The things that have got me through the has been appealing to my own sense of logic and reading old sobriety journals.

I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best. This people on this website have been great. I am not sure I would have made it this far without all of the peer support.

Hang in there. We are all rooting for you. :You_Rock_

Hi.
I’ve said this many times but the repetition may be good for someone.
It took me too long to get honest about my drinking and just accept the fact I cannot drink alcohol in safety one day at a time in a row.

So often I complicated the simple facts with AH BUT, I’m unique and the response would be watch it or you’ll be terminally unique and I could see it coming if I continued on my path.

BE WELL

Hi Winterkat, and welcome! I'm brand new here and on day 2 so I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but it seems that you've done a great thing by showing up here. I relate to your post very much, as I also have shown tons of discipline in other areas, but drinking always seems to get the best of me. Hopefully this site will help you in your journey. Good luck!

"I need a better plan"

What is your plan? Do you have one? It really does help having something in place, the simpler the better.

I laughed at Brain's "in all my years of being a genius" because I saw myself in that comment. I over think everything. I got disappointed in myself all the time. "I'm too smart for this. I should be able to figure this out." By being so smart about my drinking and then attempts at quitting, I researched, rationalized, explained away, justified, denied and didn't get anywhere. I thought I was too good and too smart to be an alcoholic. I had a graduate school degree, a job, a house, friends. None of that mattered. When I kept it simple "don't pick up that first drink under any circumstances" and then made an uncomplicated plan on how NOT to do that, I started adding days.

You can do it.

how are you doing now winterkat?
some great advice here :)

D

There's only one way to stay sober. Stop pouring it in your face.

Now...being happy about being sober...that can take some work.

Get to work.

You can do this.

Your post really resonated with me ... I have been beating myself up for years because I couldn't get my drinking under control but I could manage and even excel in other areas of my life. So many nights promising myself I was quitting ... and then the next day came and I drank again. Or I was so sick I spent a day in bed but was right back at it the following day. It was emotionally debilitating. I lost any sense of self pride. A lot of mirror time staring at the bloated, red faced, exhausted, disheveled stranger looking back at me. You have to say enough is enough eventually. You must.