Confused. Am I thinking clearly?
I am really feeling like "popping the escape hatch" today. Since Monday I have had drinking using dreams. Monday night I ate at least 10 valium over the corse of my dream, then last night I could taste the draft beer. The dreams never got to the "after" relapse mode which I know is horrible.
Now in real life, I made a big mistake. Monday I skipped therapy (was going to do a walk in but I procrastinate :( ) Went to my ex's place to pick up some documents final documents for our divorce, and then pick up the last of my stuff. It has been 4 months since she kicked me out for relapsing (I understand fully), and she is saying everything is clear and we are finished etc. Then, she says "Well I guess you are officially moved out now, it's actually pretty sad."
PAUSE, then goes on to say "You wanna go for one last roll in the hay before you leave?" Or something to that effect. Guess what idiot me did!? So for the past two days I have felt horrible! Confused! Ugh.
Now I am starting to entertain the idea that I need to have a rebound relationship to really move on. I am scared I might get sucked back in, and I cannot. It's like trying to get sober while living in a bar, not likely possible, and if it is, life would suck! We ended for a reason, and now I feel a new me with a real op to stay sober.
I dunno if this is my AV starting to poke its ugly head through trying to distract myself from real recovery. I could not have foreseen this at 3+ months.
At least I start my group therapy this afternoon.
Thanks for letting me vent. I just have to question my motives sometimes like is it me or the AV?
Strangely I feel a bit better just getting this out.
Justin, I think it's great that you are starting group therapy today. It could be very helpful for you. And, getting your final divorce papers is bound to be an emotional time, so don't be too hard on yourself about that. As for the AV, yes, it will pop up from time to time, unexpectedly, and you've just got to ignore it. You know it wants to win, so don't allow it to do that.
I can see how your X made that comment. My husband and I have been divorced for over a year, and I still remember going to where he had stayed and saying "Can I have a kiss and hug good-bye for old-times sake?". I don't even understand why I said that. I was the one filing for divorce.
Was I wishing that it would lead to having sex, I don't know.
It's like the divorce made me feel "free" from captivity, so I felt at ease.
I know that didn't make sense, but I was just trying to relate to your post :)
I think any time there are people, places or things associated with drinking, they can trigger cravings.
I would just work on yourself for now (no rebound relationships) and no longer have any contact with your ex. Hang in there justincredible!!:hug:
Justin ya big dog! Haha. I hear you, that is a recipe for confusion indeed
Confusion is often a sign of growth, J, or at least an opportunity for growth.
Many years ago after my divorce, I had sex with me ex-wife several times, even though she'd moved away to D.C. We even spent a few weekends together. Such things are probably more common than we imagine. I was drinking at the time, and combined with our get-togethers, things only got worse for me. My heart was breaking over and over again, and I only increased my drinking during that time. It got so bad, that it eventually lead to my getting sober for twenty five years.
It's good that you're making yourself available for therapy. I imagine that recent events will stir up some very powerful feelings for you, but turning to the bottle for relief is not a solution.
Good luck with group therapy justin i agree with Anna's post
Oh my, I really relate to this. Different conditions regarding details, but the story and the feelings you are describing are very similar to something I experienced in the past. I had a bf for several years, right in the beginning when I started to drink heavily, and my drinking escalated in parallel with the progression of the relationship. He was an alcoholic, too. I never had a romantic relationship with another addict before/after. With time, we developed something that I ever since call a serious addiction to each-other, mutually. It was just as detrimental as my drinking, but similarly appealing and irresistible as well. I still don't know which one was easier or harder to kick for me in the end, I handled the two issues at different times, a few years apart. I wrote about this story here on SR excessively, but I think you were not around back then, so here is a brief summary.
The relationship was before I moved to where I am now and we were living together for a couple years after a very stormy beginning, although also spent a lot of time apart since he travels all the time and I do also often (did even more often back then). But my alcoholism and this relationship was totally interconnected: as I said they developed together in the first place and then one triggered the other very efficiently. I ended the relationship after a few years, and I also made huge changes in my life: moved to a different state, new job, even new professional field. But did not stop drinking back then, so in that sense you are in a better position. I stopped all communication with him at first for a few months, but then fell back into it slowly... only emails for a while.
Then we met again IRL at a conference -- it wasn't planned to get together again but we both knew we were going to attend the conference. Long story short, we first just talked at the conference site... then decided to go out to dinner to just chat and catch up. Guess what: a flood of old memories... but we parted after the dinner even though I did go up to his hotel room for a few minutes, but we had enough self-control to separate then.
Until I got back to my own room an hour later... then we start emailing again and... plotting the "relapse" for the night after. And that was what happened: I went back to his room at the end of the next day, he was waiting for me with a bottle of rum... and you can imagine the rest.
As I said I never quit drinking up to that point, but after that, I got into it worse than ever for a while. And into the relationship as well, even though it was no longer possible for us to be together physically anytime since we were living quite far from each-other (thank God, at least that!). It was a very serious setback for me in everything with my new life, although it did not start immediately. But eventually we got back into the obsessive communication via email, while drinking separately... it got really bad.
It was a Herculean effort for me to end it again, wasn't linear, and I started being very irresponsible in my daily life again. Drinking getting worse and worse, I developed conflicts with people in ways I never did/do... not pretty. Managed to cut it completely in the end, but the drinking took a couple more years to tackle.
It wasn't the true end of it though. Even though the relationship between the guy and myself truly ended, I started "looking for him" everywhere and seemed to "find it" in other people... lots of *** mental projections, and lots of troubles due to them. I'm still dealing with some forms of all this although now it's quite different, but still hard to deal with it and I can't seem to succeed completely on my own because it's a gigantic and very old projection complex... so I'm getting help with this now. I totally should have done this like 20 years ago or earlier. It can't stop to amaze me just how far and deep this rabbit hole goes. Please don't procrastinate therapy ;)
I don't want to give you direct suggestions, just wanted to share my story. I hope you make the right decision for you about it. I know how darn hard it is, believe me :hug:
Btw, I also had that "free" feeling for a while before that relapse (with him). And even after it for a few days, like "oh I can do this now no problem". Ha!
Relapse is the perfect description of how it feels. I was just starting to feel stronger.
God I am thankful for this site, to know I am not alone, and for the willingness to help.
Endgame and haennie, I thank you for sharing your stories, so much I can relate to in them.
Im off to my first group session today, lots to think about on my way.
One more thing I would like to add, Justin. My ex never got over our past and the temptation, I think, up to now. I do not contact him and completely lost the desire to contact him months ago, but he still sends me short notes sometimes. I killed at least 4 or 5 private email addresses to "escape" him (well, not him, but my own addiction) in the past; in the last 3 years I had not done that anymore. It's very easy to find me professionally on the internet so he could do that anytime and write to my pro address, but he never did because that was a strong deal in the past. We had a top secret private sphere. We created a few email addresses in the past with the single purpose of communicating with each-other, and a few years ago I decided I won't keep escaping from facing my problem by deleting the email accounts. So he finds me every now and then, and tries to reconnect. I am 100% immune now, have not felt the slightest temptation to respond or reconnect in any form for many months now. But it seems that he still does. It kinda breaks my heart, because it shows me he's still not over our relationship even after >3 years of not meeting IRL at all (that physical "relapse" I wrote about was a little over 3 years ago). I think he's still drinking. It's hard for me to watch each time I get a spurious message from him now, but it also does not typically take more than a few minutes to let it go. And I honestly don't have current feelings for him now, it's all in my past. The stuff I'm still dealing with is a much broader context that in part led me to him in the first place, but I have no problems recognizing it is absolutely not about him, or about he and I, anymore.
Hope your group therapy session went well :)
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