Extreme thinking
 

So I just had a bit of a revelation about myself, and how insane my thinking is

It's 1130pm and I've been in bed since 930, close to sleep/just falling asleep from about 10. I told the people I live with I was going to sleep early because I had such an emotionally draining day and didn't feel great. I have work tomorrow and I'm dreading that in this state. But I also said il have my earphones in so if you actually want me turn on the light (to get my attention. Thinking that would mean in the next15-20 mins not hour etc, but I didn't say that)

So when someone turned on my lights at 11pm and asked me to show her how to do something online, I was mad. I called her selfish and grumbled and snapped at her while trying to do it myself without showing her. I was soo annoyed at how dare she be so inconsiderate etc and inside I was ready to explode
THEN when it didn't work, and there isn't anything that can be done until tomorrow(not my fault, site issue), I felt so so so guilty, both at her disappointment and my initial reaction to being woken up, and started sobbing in my bed thinking how utterly horrible I am

And it occurred to me that this is literally how I react to everything. I either think someone/everyone is attacking me, being incredibly selfish and cruel and I'm the biggest victim in the world and can't believe you've wronged me this way. OR im useless and worthless and everything is my fault and I'm so sorry and I deserve to suffer

This strikes me as pretty alcoholic thinking, and for the first time in my life I'm actually able to identify these things instead of believing everything I feel is 100% real and true.
This place and AA are screwing with my mind in the best way :)

I experienced the same thing with my thinking when I stopped drinking. My reactions to every day life were often inappropriate. For me, I really had to go back to basics and try to figure out how to remain calm and act appropriately in a situation, without letting people walk all over me. And, yes, feelings are just feelings. They are not 'you'.

The awesome thing is you're recognizing it and can work on it. :hug:

I agree with anna completly

I am going through something similar. Worse I am extremely paranoid thinking every human around me is out to get me. Just a loss of faith in humanity.

My mindset was not great when I quit either - but it did get better :)

The wonderful thing about recovery is it gives us a chance to improve ourselves in so many ways :)

D

HAAAA , yes sobriety messes with us!

All or nothing kind of people we are in many cases. Full of self righteousness or self pity depending on the day! Nothing better than to be standing on the moral high ground!!!

Good for you to recognize..........sounds like growth spurt!

Immri, while I appreciate what you are saying about "extreme thinking" and the paranoia we have when we use alcohol, I think that in this case it would have been wiser to set up a boundary in the first place.

If you go to bed at 9.30, unless there is a fire or someone is dependent on you, it's really not OK for someone to come in and turn on the light at 11. You have a right to lay in bed dozing, listening to music, sleeping, reading or whatever else without someone interrupting you.

I'd lay down a few ground rules (boundaries) with my house mates if I were you.

That said I get it on the reactions, we tend to be so extreme when using our DOC.

I am going through this also! I had a long talk with my sponsor today about this. I'm in this angry / getting my feelings hurt easily stage!

I do agree to some extent, but it was mainly just a misunderstanding though - I meant if they need me in the next 30 mins max, while I was just resting not sleeping, turn the light on to get my attention. We're normally up and chatting or watching movies at that time, so I didn't have a problem if she still wanted something, though it would have been different if I specifically wanted to be left alone I agree. I definitely didn't mean it was ok to wake me up though, and I'm fairly certain she didn't realise the time. I think I probably should've just been clearer in what I needed.
Thank you for reiterating the need for boundaries though, I'm not so good at that (surprise surprise!) and often feel guilty not being there for everyone 24/7, so this was reassuring in that sense. Thanks!

Oh immri....what a great post. You've described the roller coaster ride of early sobriety so well. I don't know how the people around us can even put up with us during that phase where we're like a rubber ball launched into a small room with concrete walls...up, down, sideways and all over. What your going through is all part of this crazy journey, so just keep doing the work. I'm only 4.5 months into my own sobriety, but I can already tell you that on the other side of all that turmoil is a place of serenity that will make all the work and craziness totally worth it.

You're emotions right now are raw, edgy, nervous. You're just a few days in. Treat yourself with some real kindness and try to treat others with a bit of tolerance.
Do set a time boundry especially in your early sobriety days, (nights.) Congrats on trying and you can do this. Try some praying, reading, or sleep right now. Tomorrow is a new day.

Haha yes this, exactly!! That's the perfect description for this

Thanks everyone for the reassurance support and advice, I do think I'm probably going to have a talk about needing a little extra 'me-time' at the moment (I can barely get to meetings without feeling guilty im not home keeping people company) and going to try to do some more relaxing things, just started yoga again which helped in the past. So glad you guys understand!!!

If I hadn't worked on my thinking and the ways I responded to my feelings, I would have resumed drinking.