Annoying little niggles of...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Annoying little niggles of...
....of not sure what. of "what if"? Of "maybe someday"? Of "I wish I could"?
It happened again last night. My lady made a wonderful corned beef and cabbage dinner for the family. She'd bought a bottle of imperial stout because the recipe called for 1/4 cup.
So, she had the remaining beer in the bottle - a smallish glass - for dinner. No big deal. But at one point in the meal, my eye caught that glass and for a fleeting moment I was sort of... sad, I suppose. I wanted to have beer with my meal too.
But it wasn't even the beer I wanted. I think it was more the BEING ABLE to have the beer that I wanted. As I sat and processed it, as I reflect on it now, I realize that a nice cold glass of water was perfectly tasty, refreshing and good.
It was St. Paddy's Day. And I wasn't having beer with my corned beef dinner. And my Lady's brother is getting married in Scotland, and if I go to that wedding there'll be beer and whiskey because it's Scotland. I won't drink any of it, because I don't drink. But in that moment I even thought of that wedding and was sad. Sad over an event that may or may not happen in the future????
Not because of the actual alcohol.... but because, I think, of what it represents. Because of not being part of the celebration. Because of some alcoholic piece of me that feels I'm somehow lesser because I'm not drinking the beer or toasting the whiskey....
Ok, this is a little bit of a ramble. There's no real point but to share and sort of journal this out loud in a room of people who get it.
I'm so glad to be sober. My life is so much better. I am able in those moments to remember and to realize that my choice of sobriety is the one I want most to honor and that my life and the lives of everyone around me are better for it.
Sometimes, though, I have to also acknowledge these feelings that arise and unburden myself of them to protect my sobriety.
I wonder, almost fifteen months on.... will these feelings always trouble me? Fifteen years? twenty? thirty five years of sobriety??? Will that old sneaky AV still rise up to cause me trouble?
And this.... this is why it is so vital to me to keep my head in my sobriety actively every day. This is why it's important for me to go back to AA now and again, to be among those who understand, to see the beaten newcomers with my own eyes, to re-tell my story, to re-work the steps, to share my truth....
Because "Slick" is always training. Always there waiting for me to let my guard down.... always looking for his opportunity to step in and catch me with a big right cross and take me down again.
No way, "Slick". I've had enough of you.
It happened again last night. My lady made a wonderful corned beef and cabbage dinner for the family. She'd bought a bottle of imperial stout because the recipe called for 1/4 cup.
So, she had the remaining beer in the bottle - a smallish glass - for dinner. No big deal. But at one point in the meal, my eye caught that glass and for a fleeting moment I was sort of... sad, I suppose. I wanted to have beer with my meal too.
But it wasn't even the beer I wanted. I think it was more the BEING ABLE to have the beer that I wanted. As I sat and processed it, as I reflect on it now, I realize that a nice cold glass of water was perfectly tasty, refreshing and good.
It was St. Paddy's Day. And I wasn't having beer with my corned beef dinner. And my Lady's brother is getting married in Scotland, and if I go to that wedding there'll be beer and whiskey because it's Scotland. I won't drink any of it, because I don't drink. But in that moment I even thought of that wedding and was sad. Sad over an event that may or may not happen in the future????
Not because of the actual alcohol.... but because, I think, of what it represents. Because of not being part of the celebration. Because of some alcoholic piece of me that feels I'm somehow lesser because I'm not drinking the beer or toasting the whiskey....
Ok, this is a little bit of a ramble. There's no real point but to share and sort of journal this out loud in a room of people who get it.
I'm so glad to be sober. My life is so much better. I am able in those moments to remember and to realize that my choice of sobriety is the one I want most to honor and that my life and the lives of everyone around me are better for it.
Sometimes, though, I have to also acknowledge these feelings that arise and unburden myself of them to protect my sobriety.
I wonder, almost fifteen months on.... will these feelings always trouble me? Fifteen years? twenty? thirty five years of sobriety??? Will that old sneaky AV still rise up to cause me trouble?
And this.... this is why it is so vital to me to keep my head in my sobriety actively every day. This is why it's important for me to go back to AA now and again, to be among those who understand, to see the beaten newcomers with my own eyes, to re-tell my story, to re-work the steps, to share my truth....
Because "Slick" is always training. Always there waiting for me to let my guard down.... always looking for his opportunity to step in and catch me with a big right cross and take me down again.
No way, "Slick". I've had enough of you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I know the feeling but after some years of training and saying the Serenity Prayer numerous timeS I came to accept the fact I am what I am, that’s someone who can never drink in safety with sanity. Yes there are over the years things, drinks I wonder what they taste like but that’s as far as it gets. BFTGOG.
BE WELL
I know the feeling but after some years of training and saying the Serenity Prayer numerous timeS I came to accept the fact I am what I am, that’s someone who can never drink in safety with sanity. Yes there are over the years things, drinks I wonder what they taste like but that’s as far as it gets. BFTGOG.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hey Freeowl,
what an eloquent post. I know exactly what you mean.
I have íf only´or ´perhaps in another life´type thoughts quite regularly. These are usually accompanied by images of being part of a happy, slightly tipsy fellowship etcetc, as if this is how it was!!!!!!!
My suspicion is that the AV will never just go away & I have to accept it.
I´ve been sober since October 2011. I was also sober from 2004 - 2007. I bought into the fantasies my brain fed to me and it cost 4 years of madness.
Constant vigilance is becoming habitual.
Love that you have named yours. mine is ´Brian´.
Thanks for the post - made me think.
Max
what an eloquent post. I know exactly what you mean.
I have íf only´or ´perhaps in another life´type thoughts quite regularly. These are usually accompanied by images of being part of a happy, slightly tipsy fellowship etcetc, as if this is how it was!!!!!!!
My suspicion is that the AV will never just go away & I have to accept it.
I´ve been sober since October 2011. I was also sober from 2004 - 2007. I bought into the fantasies my brain fed to me and it cost 4 years of madness.
Constant vigilance is becoming habitual.
Love that you have named yours. mine is ´Brian´.
Thanks for the post - made me think.
Max
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I had some similar thoughts last night as I had to work pretty late and was driving home by a number of the bars I would frequent. I was feeling low....not sad...but a little low that I wasn't out reveling in the antics of St. Patrick's Day. But then I realized....there weren't a ton of cars in the parking lots....and it made me realize that the majority of people came in, had a celebratory drink or two....and went home as it was a work day. THAT would be the hard time for me....when it was time to go home....when the night was ending....when the last drink was drunk.......when my partner would start saying we needed to leave.....I would get sooooooooo sad about the ending.......because I didn't want it to end. I wanted to keep the party going forever. Last night I had the best feeling of being able to go home, see my son, get in my jammies and hang out for awhile with him before going to bed all while sober.
In the big picture, FreeOwl, I believe sober is better. We are learning still to live the sober life. I have two years and almost 4 months. It does really get better and a heck of a lot easier to not have to toss the thoughts around too much in the head. Great post my friend!
In the big picture, FreeOwl, I believe sober is better. We are learning still to live the sober life. I have two years and almost 4 months. It does really get better and a heck of a lot easier to not have to toss the thoughts around too much in the head. Great post my friend!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by soberclover 
In the big picture, FreeOwl, I believe sober is better. We are learning still to live the sober life. I have two years and almost 4 months. It does really get better and a heck of a lot easier to not have to toss the thoughts around too much in the head.
yes.
#soberliferocks
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Dee74
Don't sweat it. It's the reactions that count and you stayed true.
As for the thoughts, I can honestly say I'm not troubled by those thoughts anymore, Owl.
Recovery really is possible
D
As for the thoughts, I can honestly say I'm not troubled by those thoughts anymore, Owl.
Recovery really is possible
D
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 351
I think it's natural to acknowledge and mourn a life now gone. It was a big part of you for a long time…
Just don't get caught up in a false nostalgia (as I'm prone to doing).
And like everyone has pointed out - you just marked the moment and moved on with your evening. So good job
Just don't get caught up in a false nostalgia (as I'm prone to doing).
And like everyone has pointed out - you just marked the moment and moved on with your evening. So good job
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Very useful post, FreeOwl. Thanks. My first thought reading it was that it's memories... the spontaneous resurfacing of old memories and associations that we made a long time ago. In my mind, it's quite similar to recalling any old event, activity, person... and feeling nostalgic about it for a little while. I have not had such fleeting thoughts for a while now but your post is a helpful reminder of what to do when they arise.
You reacted to it the right way. Observe it, and let it go
You reacted to it the right way. Observe it, and let it go
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Sobriety can be framed as a type of conditioned learning, what B.F. Skinner referred to as "operant learning"in his theory of learning. The focus is on the consequences of any particular action. The more pleasurable the consequences, the more likely we are to repeat the same action. The less desirable the outcome, the less likely we are to repeat it.
"Learning" to be sober does not work in a straight line, and is a bit more complicated than Skinner's model, which was largely based on animal learning. It requires a belief that at some point the consequences, i.e., living a better life without the negative consequences of drinking, will become desirable, along with accepting the reality that the initial, relatively short-term pain we suffer in early sobriety is a necessary step in the process.
Once we achieve a level of sobriety, we are then conditioned to avoid drinking and all that comes with it, even though our learning to drink in the first place is an extremely powerful stimulus that, at least at one or several times, came with desirable consequences. It is essentially a process of simultaneously learning (sobriety) and unlearning (drinking). However, when we're confused, in pain, overly stressed or return to the same environments similar to those in which we drank (people, places and things), we experience what's known as "instinctual drift," the power of which is dependent upon where we are in our sobriety. Instinctual drift refers to acting on our natural tendencies (in this case, drinking) under certain conditions, some of which I mentioned above.
It's no wonder that so many of us relapse, particularly when we have little support in early sobriety. The conditions under which we drank, including isolation and emotional pain, are strong predictors for us to return to our natural tendency to drink under pressing circumstances. This is, again, why it's so important to take action in early sobriety to find support and use whatever help is available to us. Yet relapse is far from inevitable.
As has been amply demonstrated here on SR, staying alone and not reaching out for help mimics our drinking lives and leaves us extremely vulnerable to instinctual drift which, without the help and support we need, is a powerful influence.
Consciousness allows us to make choices when our natural tendency to drink presents itself, but consciousness alone is most often insufficient on its own to stop us from doing what we've always done.
"Learning" to be sober does not work in a straight line, and is a bit more complicated than Skinner's model, which was largely based on animal learning. It requires a belief that at some point the consequences, i.e., living a better life without the negative consequences of drinking, will become desirable, along with accepting the reality that the initial, relatively short-term pain we suffer in early sobriety is a necessary step in the process.
Once we achieve a level of sobriety, we are then conditioned to avoid drinking and all that comes with it, even though our learning to drink in the first place is an extremely powerful stimulus that, at least at one or several times, came with desirable consequences. It is essentially a process of simultaneously learning (sobriety) and unlearning (drinking). However, when we're confused, in pain, overly stressed or return to the same environments similar to those in which we drank (people, places and things), we experience what's known as "instinctual drift," the power of which is dependent upon where we are in our sobriety. Instinctual drift refers to acting on our natural tendencies (in this case, drinking) under certain conditions, some of which I mentioned above.
It's no wonder that so many of us relapse, particularly when we have little support in early sobriety. The conditions under which we drank, including isolation and emotional pain, are strong predictors for us to return to our natural tendency to drink under pressing circumstances. This is, again, why it's so important to take action in early sobriety to find support and use whatever help is available to us. Yet relapse is far from inevitable.
As has been amply demonstrated here on SR, staying alone and not reaching out for help mimics our drinking lives and leaves us extremely vulnerable to instinctual drift which, without the help and support we need, is a powerful influence.
Consciousness allows us to make choices when our natural tendency to drink presents itself, but consciousness alone is most often insufficient on its own to stop us from doing what we've always done.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Free owl...it seems to me only healthy that you were able to stay your ground sober, but at the same time also manage to 'watch' in yourself some of the sadness you felt about not being able to have that glass of beer with your meal. The sadness is legitimate. But didnt mean you had to act on it - and, you didnt.
Watching what arises and somehow not falling foul (or fowl?) to picking up, is what surely takes some of the power out of the alcohol temptation. The practice of this in itself seems a good thing to help build our confidence in saying 'no'... I am really learning it is these continuous moments that managed - however they are managed, that constitute the real working towards sobriety...thanks for the post and provoking some more reflections in this newcomer...
Watching what arises and somehow not falling foul (or fowl?) to picking up, is what surely takes some of the power out of the alcohol temptation. The practice of this in itself seems a good thing to help build our confidence in saying 'no'... I am really learning it is these continuous moments that managed - however they are managed, that constitute the real working towards sobriety...thanks for the post and provoking some more reflections in this newcomer...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Littlebear
Watching what arises and somehow not falling foul (or fowl?) to picking up, is what surely takes some of the power out of the alcohol temptation. The practice of this in itself seems a good thing to help build our confidence in saying 'no'... I am really learning it is these continuous moments that managed - however they are managed, that constitute the real working towards sobriety...thanks for the post and provoking some more reflections in this newcomer...
Very grateful for that!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,409
Thank you for this post.
It helped me, and that's because I thought I was a failure if I had these thoughts at 3 months. It seems they may not ever go away, and that's ok. As long as I don't ever change my mind.
It helped me, and that's because I thought I was a failure if I had these thoughts at 3 months. It seems they may not ever go away, and that's ok. As long as I don't ever change my mind.
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