My dad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 2
My dad
I'm 23 years old. I have a mum, a dad, and a 20 year old sister.
My dad has been drinking since before I was born, it was nothing serious, just a can or two ever night. Over the years things have become worse. My dad has let alcohol take over his life.
As my sister and I have grown older, it seems he has become worse as he doesn't feel the need to be our dad anymore, and therefore set any kind of example.
My dad has never laid a hand on any of us, even when we were naughty as children. For him, this makes him think he is the perfect dad. But the verbal abuse we have received from him is something that has shaped me and my sister to who we are today and it will stay with us forever. My mum, sister and I have been called every name under the sun, and for no reason. My dad will sit in front of the tv and shout and swear about us without actually talking to anyone.
Four years ago things got even worse. For a while, my dad had been drinking spirits outside of the house, then driving home, sneaking spirits into the house and going upstairs to take a swig every hour or so. I don't think he realised that we could tell as soon as he'd had a sip of alcohol...he thinks we're stupid.
Then two years ago my dad was finally arrested for drink driving. We were waiting for it to happen, he drank and drove every single day...he was bound to get arrested if not hurt himself or someone else. He had left the house early that afternoon and we hadn't heard from him for about 7 hours, until we got a call from the police. He'd been at the local supermarket stumbling around and it was the cashier who called the police, who asked him to stall my dad until they got there. As my dad tried to drive away he crashed into the supermarket lorry and was arrested. The police found bottles of whiskey and cans of beer all over the back seat. He was four times over the limit.
This may seem bad, but nearly ten years before that, a similar situation happened on New Years Eve, but my dad made it home. He couldn't park his car in the drive properly so my mum went out to see what was going on and as soon as she opened the door, he stood up and fell flat on his face. He was parylectic (paraletic? I'm not sure on the spelling...he couldn't walk basically).
I am aware that my dad's addiction to alcohol is due to issues he had in his childhood. His dad did exactly the same as what he is doing to us. And up until my grandad died, my dad disliked him and didn't talk to him. My dad knows its similar, he's voiced it to an uncle of mine. Sometimes its hard for me to accept that he knows what he's doing, but he's still doing it. I know its an addiction and its bigger than that but, still, it hurts.
I do not live at home anymore, I moved out and went to uni and after graduation I found a job in the same city. My sister also moved away to London for uni. So my mum is on her own at home. Recently, when I've been visiting home at the weekends my dad has been in bed, all day. He doesn't come downstairs at all unless its for a can of beer, we know he keeps his spirits somewhere hidden in the room.
I don't know what to do. My mum is so unhappy, my dad starts arguments over nothing. My mum gave him his dinner once and he complained about it and started swearing at her. My mum used to argue back, but now she just sits there and takes it, just ignoring him. It's like my dad wants to see us suffer and hurting.
It was mother's day a couple of days ago and my dad came downstairs and stared at my mum with so much hatred and then walked back upstairs to bed swearing at her.
My mum won't leave, they've been together for 29 years this year...she's not going anywhere. But i'm worried for her, I want her to be happy. I'm worried for my dad because this is getting worse and he lies to his doctor about how much he drinks and then lies to us about any illnesses he has...he's not talkative or emotional in any way when he's sober and when he's drunk he's vicious, so we don't know what's going on with him.
We know he's also depressed as he was almost on the verge of taking his own life. It was only when my mum had realised this and talked to him that he burst into tears and said he felt bad about hurting us....that was nearly 6 weeks ago, and now he's worse.
I don't know what to think or do anymore. I just need advice from someone who's experienced something similar. This is my last resort...I don't want to be let down by my dad again so I need something that will work, and then i'll try one last time.
Sorry for the essay. Once I started I couldn't stop.
My dad has been drinking since before I was born, it was nothing serious, just a can or two ever night. Over the years things have become worse. My dad has let alcohol take over his life.
As my sister and I have grown older, it seems he has become worse as he doesn't feel the need to be our dad anymore, and therefore set any kind of example.
My dad has never laid a hand on any of us, even when we were naughty as children. For him, this makes him think he is the perfect dad. But the verbal abuse we have received from him is something that has shaped me and my sister to who we are today and it will stay with us forever. My mum, sister and I have been called every name under the sun, and for no reason. My dad will sit in front of the tv and shout and swear about us without actually talking to anyone.
Four years ago things got even worse. For a while, my dad had been drinking spirits outside of the house, then driving home, sneaking spirits into the house and going upstairs to take a swig every hour or so. I don't think he realised that we could tell as soon as he'd had a sip of alcohol...he thinks we're stupid.
Then two years ago my dad was finally arrested for drink driving. We were waiting for it to happen, he drank and drove every single day...he was bound to get arrested if not hurt himself or someone else. He had left the house early that afternoon and we hadn't heard from him for about 7 hours, until we got a call from the police. He'd been at the local supermarket stumbling around and it was the cashier who called the police, who asked him to stall my dad until they got there. As my dad tried to drive away he crashed into the supermarket lorry and was arrested. The police found bottles of whiskey and cans of beer all over the back seat. He was four times over the limit.
This may seem bad, but nearly ten years before that, a similar situation happened on New Years Eve, but my dad made it home. He couldn't park his car in the drive properly so my mum went out to see what was going on and as soon as she opened the door, he stood up and fell flat on his face. He was parylectic (paraletic? I'm not sure on the spelling...he couldn't walk basically).
I am aware that my dad's addiction to alcohol is due to issues he had in his childhood. His dad did exactly the same as what he is doing to us. And up until my grandad died, my dad disliked him and didn't talk to him. My dad knows its similar, he's voiced it to an uncle of mine. Sometimes its hard for me to accept that he knows what he's doing, but he's still doing it. I know its an addiction and its bigger than that but, still, it hurts.
I do not live at home anymore, I moved out and went to uni and after graduation I found a job in the same city. My sister also moved away to London for uni. So my mum is on her own at home. Recently, when I've been visiting home at the weekends my dad has been in bed, all day. He doesn't come downstairs at all unless its for a can of beer, we know he keeps his spirits somewhere hidden in the room.
I don't know what to do. My mum is so unhappy, my dad starts arguments over nothing. My mum gave him his dinner once and he complained about it and started swearing at her. My mum used to argue back, but now she just sits there and takes it, just ignoring him. It's like my dad wants to see us suffer and hurting.
It was mother's day a couple of days ago and my dad came downstairs and stared at my mum with so much hatred and then walked back upstairs to bed swearing at her.
My mum won't leave, they've been together for 29 years this year...she's not going anywhere. But i'm worried for her, I want her to be happy. I'm worried for my dad because this is getting worse and he lies to his doctor about how much he drinks and then lies to us about any illnesses he has...he's not talkative or emotional in any way when he's sober and when he's drunk he's vicious, so we don't know what's going on with him.
We know he's also depressed as he was almost on the verge of taking his own life. It was only when my mum had realised this and talked to him that he burst into tears and said he felt bad about hurting us....that was nearly 6 weeks ago, and now he's worse.
I don't know what to think or do anymore. I just need advice from someone who's experienced something similar. This is my last resort...I don't want to be let down by my dad again so I need something that will work, and then i'll try one last time.
Sorry for the essay. Once I started I couldn't stop.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
I'm very sorry to hear your story jotjot. Welcome to the forum.
Someone on the friends and family forum may be able to guide you more.
You will be welcomed with plenty of support anywhere on this site.
In the meantime, you may want to browse through this section below:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Someone on the friends and family forum may be able to guide you more.
You will be welcomed with plenty of support anywhere on this site.
In the meantime, you may want to browse through this section below:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
My dad died of alcohol a few years back.
My best advice is to live your life, don't let another person's addiction restrict your life, separate your life from your dad's life.
The reality is, your dad need's to want to change, my dad didn't and he dis as a result, nothing was more important than his next drink, and that hurt looking back, but realising that was the case was very freeing, we can't make the decision to stop drinking for someone else, it is up to them!!
Live your life, don't sit around waiting for someone to change, because what if they don't? live your life and don't let another person's addiction affect it, follow your hopes and dreams, everyone makes their decisions in life, and you are not responsible for the consequences!
Welcome to the Forum!!
My best advice is to live your life, don't let another person's addiction restrict your life, separate your life from your dad's life.
The reality is, your dad need's to want to change, my dad didn't and he dis as a result, nothing was more important than his next drink, and that hurt looking back, but realising that was the case was very freeing, we can't make the decision to stop drinking for someone else, it is up to them!!
Live your life, don't sit around waiting for someone to change, because what if they don't? live your life and don't let another person's addiction affect it, follow your hopes and dreams, everyone makes their decisions in life, and you are not responsible for the consequences!
Welcome to the Forum!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
There is little you can do for your dad unless and until he decides he wants to stop drinking and seek support. However, AlAnon in your area could be a great support for you, your sister and your mother. And, do check out the Friends & Families forum.
There is little you can do for your dad unless and until he decides he wants to stop drinking and seek support. However, AlAnon in your area could be a great support for you, your sister and your mother. And, do check out the Friends & Families forum.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,506
Welcome Jotjot - you are not alone. I'm glad you found SR and wanted to share your story.
Al-Anon has already been mentioned - and I agree it would be wise to check it out. Knowing that others understand what you're going through really helps. It's very good to have you with us.
Al-Anon has already been mentioned - and I agree it would be wise to check it out. Knowing that others understand what you're going through really helps. It's very good to have you with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 2
Thank you all for taking the time to read all of that. I understand that I can't change my dad's actions. It's just so frustrating to see him like that, especially when he's aware of what he's doing to the family.
I just don't want my mum to be so unhappy. I'm not sure why she won't leave him. It could be because she's scared of being alone after 29 years, because she truly believes he will change or because of what the family and community will think. I'm Indian and although both my parents moved to the UK when they were infants, keeping up appearances seems like the best option rather than actually being happy...which is weird because everyone in the family knows my dad is an alcoholic now. He wanted them, my mum's side especially, to know so that we would be embarrassed. But it doesn't.
Now my dad has no licence my mum has to drive him everywhere. He loves it, he doesn't care because now he doesn't have to worry about being caught drink driving. He even dislikes the police because he thinks they wronged him!
I just don't want my mum to be so unhappy. I'm not sure why she won't leave him. It could be because she's scared of being alone after 29 years, because she truly believes he will change or because of what the family and community will think. I'm Indian and although both my parents moved to the UK when they were infants, keeping up appearances seems like the best option rather than actually being happy...which is weird because everyone in the family knows my dad is an alcoholic now. He wanted them, my mum's side especially, to know so that we would be embarrassed. But it doesn't.
Now my dad has no licence my mum has to drive him everywhere. He loves it, he doesn't care because now he doesn't have to worry about being caught drink driving. He even dislikes the police because he thinks they wronged him!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,745
Welcome to the family. 
I hope you will get support for yourself and your mother and sister. What you're going thru is hard on your emotions and you need all the support you can get. I know there's a lot of support here. And there's always someone here, any time of day or night.
I'm glad you joined us!
I hope you will get support for yourself and your mother and sister. What you're going thru is hard on your emotions and you need all the support you can get. I know there's a lot of support here. And there's always someone here, any time of day or night. I'm glad you joined us!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I am glad you found us.
There are lots of people from the UK here.
I understand the pressure of 'keeping up appearances' for the sake of the family and how hard that can be.
To me, your Dad is using how he was treated/his childhood/previous experience to make it okay that he drinks far too much and make it okay he makes your lives a misery.
Alcoholics will often come up with excuse after excuse as to why they drink and who they can blame.
I've done it myself.
The truth?
I just liked drinking and I would have gone through every reason or justification to carry on drinking from my family to eventually blaming my bus because it was late. Thats how ridiculous it got.
If the hurt he feels is causing him to drink, then he needs to get help for those issues. See a therapist or his GP.
No doubt that will be frowned on as there will be a reason why he can't - does not want to bring shame on his family. Does not want anyone finding out etc etc.
The fact is his behaviour is not okay.
There is nothing you can do to stop him drinking.
That has to come from him.
He has to want that.
BUT ....you can have a number of rules or set a boundry or 2.
Maybe things like 'if you raise your voice at me, I will leave'.
I will not tolerate name calling when you are drunk'.
I'm not an expert on this, but there are many wise people in the friends and family section who can help you with this and advise you.
I also think you need to detach from him.
Again I am no expert and there are many posts on detaching in friends and family.
I think you need to concentrate on making your life and your sister and your mums life happy, safe and secure.
Look after each other, spend time with each other, support each other.
Why not plan some time out of the house just the 3 of you doing things you enjoy? Also doing NICE things that do not involve worrying or thinking about your Dad's behaviour and the solution to it.
Once you realise he is the only one who can control or stop or cure his drinking, I think you might be able to move on and live life the way it should be lived with your mum and sister.
If he wants to join in, then he knows what he has to do.
I really do wish you the best.
Please keep coming here and posting. We do understand and care xx
There are lots of people from the UK here.
I understand the pressure of 'keeping up appearances' for the sake of the family and how hard that can be.
To me, your Dad is using how he was treated/his childhood/previous experience to make it okay that he drinks far too much and make it okay he makes your lives a misery.
Alcoholics will often come up with excuse after excuse as to why they drink and who they can blame.
I've done it myself.
The truth?
I just liked drinking and I would have gone through every reason or justification to carry on drinking from my family to eventually blaming my bus because it was late. Thats how ridiculous it got.
If the hurt he feels is causing him to drink, then he needs to get help for those issues. See a therapist or his GP.
No doubt that will be frowned on as there will be a reason why he can't - does not want to bring shame on his family. Does not want anyone finding out etc etc.
The fact is his behaviour is not okay.
There is nothing you can do to stop him drinking.
That has to come from him.
He has to want that.
BUT ....you can have a number of rules or set a boundry or 2.
Maybe things like 'if you raise your voice at me, I will leave'.
I will not tolerate name calling when you are drunk'.
I'm not an expert on this, but there are many wise people in the friends and family section who can help you with this and advise you.
I also think you need to detach from him.
Again I am no expert and there are many posts on detaching in friends and family.
I think you need to concentrate on making your life and your sister and your mums life happy, safe and secure.
Look after each other, spend time with each other, support each other.
Why not plan some time out of the house just the 3 of you doing things you enjoy? Also doing NICE things that do not involve worrying or thinking about your Dad's behaviour and the solution to it.
Once you realise he is the only one who can control or stop or cure his drinking, I think you might be able to move on and live life the way it should be lived with your mum and sister.
If he wants to join in, then he knows what he has to do.
I really do wish you the best.
Please keep coming here and posting. We do understand and care xx
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