epskie

Hi everybody,

I'm back again and I'm not in a good place. I know we've been here before with me but I'm in a rough place right now.

I lost a baby on Xmas day :-( It has sent my drinking over the edge and I can't claw myself back. Since my happy period of sobriety a few years ago I have danced with recovery on and off. This pregnancy forced my hand and I stopped drinking completely and immediately. My miscarriage had the opposite effect and I seem to be on a path of self destruction. Ridiculously, I want to try for another baby, yet I continue to drink!

I'm back in that awful place of self loathing and permanent anxiety. Except now I am grieving a loss I can't explain and I have a severe mistrust of my own body.

I want my life back yet I can't put the bottle down.

Thanks for reading old friends x

Anna

Oh Epskie, I am so very sorry you lost your baby. And, of course you can't explain the loss of an unborn child, it's just so sad. You know what you need to do to get your life back on track and to have a chance of having another beautiful baby. You need to get the alcohol out of your life and focus on taking care of yourself and your recovery. We are here for you.

brynn

Hugs epskie. I am so sorry for your loss, my friend.

I lost a baby earlier this year and believe me when I say I understand the awful pain you feel and the overwhelming guilt that just lingers and casts a shadow over everything.
You know drinking isn't really helping you deal with this loss. It's just pushing the natural grieving process away which isn't helping you at all. So much of the awful anxiety will be relieved when you stop drinking. I really hope you choose to put the bottle down for good and start living the life you want to live.

DoloresHaze

I'm really sorry that happened. I guess that's how we deal with grief and stress.....just tune it all out with alcohol.

I too want to have a second child, and even at my heaviest drinking, i was actually trying! Thank goodness it didn't work out.

I'm also struggling with relapse, but little by little it's getting better. Hopes for a baby is one of the things that keep me going.

Good luck, and be good to yourself.

PurpleKnight

Very sorry for your loss Epskie!!

Drinking isn't gonna help things, it's time to turn a corner and draw a line under alcohol, it's doing you no favours, with the right plan and support you can get that life back!!

You can do this!!

Thepatman

I'm sorry about your baby. please don't give up trying!

Jeni26

Hi my friend. We were there for each other in the beginning weren't we....I often think of you.

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I can understand how the drinking has spiralled since then.

You can do this. Message me if you ever want a chat. I'm back after my own little relapse hell. It's early days for me too, perhaps we can encourage each other like we did years ago?

Much love xx

JimdiGriz

Epskie sorry to hear about your loss. It must be very painful and its understandable to want to squash that pain.
I hope you gather some hope from everyone here who cares for you

epskie

Thank you all so much. I can't give up on having another baby yet I can't seem to give up my most evil enemy either.

Where do I start? I don't think I want to go back to AA, how else can I stop?

epskie

Hey Jeni, my old friend :-) I didn't realise you'd had a recent relapse, I'm sorry to hear it. Would love to chat xx

Soberwolf

Welcome bk Epski have you spoke to your Dr or local nhs hospital about alcohol addiction ?

Latte

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know that until I dealt with issues such as these I had a hard time finding any recovery time myself.

You are not alone.

thomas11

Hi Epskie, I certainly don't have all the answers but since you asked, I will try.

If you don't think you can stop on your own and don't want to go to AA, some type of inpatient or outpatient treatment may be necessary? It sounds like you want another child, you should be sober for that. I was within a whisker of going to treatment last year. I personally think it is a brave and responsible decision to make if you cannot do it on your own.

The risk of losing my marriage and my health and my business, scared me enough to straighten out. I still have issues, so I'll leave it that.

Hevyn

I'm really glad you came back epskie. I'm sorry too - for the sad time you've been through.

Please keep posting - being here will help you not to feel alone. You can get free again.

Dee74

I'm so sorry for your loss Epskie.

You start with a day one

If you don't think you can manage that easily, perhaps it's best to speak with a Dr, and maybe consider AA again if it helped last time?

Alcohol is a really poor coping mechanism for grief. It doesn't salve the pain, it just pushes it to one side and it comes back again...which means more drinks.

It's ok to be sad and feel the loss. By feeling that you get through it to the other side.

You're not alone epskie

D