Rinse and Repeat
 

I haven't posted in this section for a while but I just need to be accountable and reach out for some support because I've been withdrawn for too long.

Since I joined SR in December, I have noticed a very predictable pattern with myself. This pattern always consists of self-hatred which leads to using fatal combinations of booze and pills and a promise to myself that I will never pick up again.

I can feel myself slipping away from the promise to never pick up back into the soul-crushing hatred of myself and my life. Right now I'm "dealing" with an immense amount of life stuff. Really all I'm doing is pushing it aside and trying to convince myself and others that I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm far from it. I'm tired of feeling pressure to be cheerful all the time and my ability to keep up this facade is crumbling.

I swear I don't want to use, but just as strongly I swear I don't want to be sober. I want out of my head. I want to escape but I am terrified of what may happen the next time I drink.

The last time I drank a week and a half ago, things got bad. I spent the entire night completely blackout drunk, drove home, woke up covered in blood, and suffered horrendous hallucinations and then delusions that lasted almost a week. I don't like admitting to that.

I want this cycle to stop and I know I'm the only one who has the power to break it. Things are just bleak now. I'm hoping you all can be the light I need to help me steer safely through this storm.

You can do this Copper, the cycle can be broken!!

What are you using for support? for me I needed it to built into my routine, something to keep me focused on the task at hand, in isolation I would simply drink, my mind would grind me down.

Chang up your plan and go at things again!! :)

You can do this Copper

Copper, the feelings of shame and guilt are part of the disease that keep us hooked. It's important to feel those feelings and learn from them, but it's also important to let them go and to move on.

You can do this!

Some life events require real outside help, ya know?


If you can't deal with your life's stresses, share them with someone who can help you. Your post is really vague, and I respect that, so maybe you could talk to a counselor or a clergyman? Putting off dealing with things always leads me to more stress. "Stuff" has to be dealt with to be able to keep moving forward.

((hug)) in case that would help.

Welcome back Copper. I'd also ask what you have been trying as a plan...have you done Meetings at all ( AA or otherwise? ) How about joining one of the daily or monthly threads here? Don't rule out counseling or a formal outpatient rehab/structured program either - sometimes we need extra help to get things moving.

I wouldn't say you are dealing with it; rather, you are being overwhelmed by life and falling back on your default coping mechanism...drink and drugs.

Being clean and sober is often just the beginning of our recovery journey. We have to learn to "deal" with life, not flee from it, not numb ourselves to it. As biminiblue points out, we often need outside help.

So why not seek it out?

Right now I'm in limbo. A few weeks ago I checked into an inpatient program. A few days in I got a call from home letting me know that a good friend of mine shot herself and passed away. I left treatment because I would not have been able to live with myself if I didn't come back for her funeral.

This situation and recent health problems are putting a hold on going back to an inpatient program. I know there are other treatment courses I could explore. I'm just struggling so much with my friend's passing that taking care of me has fallen to the wayside.

AA is not for me. I haven't explored other meeting options so I could do that. I am part of a class thread but I've felt a bit disconnected and unable to relate lately.

Other friends and family I have here are at their wits end with me. They understand my reasons for coming back but they don't know how to be here for me in the interim so they avoid me.

Hey my friend!

I really hope you make the decision not to perpetuate this cycle anymore! And as someone who's known you for over three months, I'm going to challenge you to do something different! We've talked about counseling, have you called your insurance co? You say AA isn't for you....and I get that....but at this point what is the harm in trying it again? You've got nothing to lose, copper! Please open your mind to the different options out there and give yourself a fighting chance! You are totally worth it!
Love and hugs dear friend ❤️

Here's the thing with AA...and I don't go anymore, but I'm open to returning should I feel that I'm slipping...

When I sat in an AA meeting I felt peace. I listened, I'm not a sharer in meetings. I would have one or two sentences to share, but I didn't open my soul to them in meetings.

It works anyway, because by listening to people who have strong recovery, I learned where my thinking was wacky. I started drinking in 2007 or 2008 (?) because all of my family died and I was completely alone. I get it about grief, believe me. Thing is, using creates a mindset that prohibits healing. Getting up, showering, getting dressed, and going to meetings was doing something. I was around people who understood. It worked for me. I didn't believe everything that was said, but I heard enough of the right things that I was able to restructure my thinking.

Therapy doesn't work for me particularly well, I've never found anyone I trust. Reading helps the most - reading posts here, reading recovery material, reading self-help books and spiritual texts of all kinds. Every man is his own prophet, every prophet just a man. You can heal yourself - it is in you.

There are also grief support groups and groups for survivors of suicide. Maybe call your local hospital or suicide help-line and ask about that. You've got to figure this out. Whatever it takes.

I appreciate the thoughts and input

Hi Copper, any chance you can get back into that treatment program? You obviously know there is a problem there that needs to be dealt with as you entered inpatient on your own. It may be what is necessary to kick the drink for good?

and you can always send a pm aswell bud

Thanks SW.

Thomas, I plan to call and find out

that. and you will get past this. it is crucial you feel these feelings and get through them so you can come out stronger at the other end.

Also, as PK said you CAN DO THIS...you ARE doing this! RIGHT NOW. Nobody BUT YOU can break this momentum. Things will improve. Just hang in there and trust the process.

Thank you, Growpath. I'm doing my best to hang on.

Bimini, I'm beyond sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. I had to take a minute to chew on what you said. I can't argue with it. Whatever it takes and what it takes is what it takes. Thank you.

I think going back to treatment could also help with your friends death. You are not happy where you are at you deserve a chance to be happy or at least comfortable in your own skin.

There will always be reasons why you can't go back to inpatient or get sober. The longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get. However, you are going to be the one that has to make that decision. Please go back to inpatient Copper. :hug:

I'm sure everyone means well but what am I supposed to do? I just put my friend in the ground. Am I just supposed to say "okay, now back to what I was doing?" All I keep hearing is go, go, go back to inpatient. But I hear go away.

I'm sure I'll see this differently tomorrow. I'm too sensitive at the moment to process anything clearly.

A loss is painful. Awful. Especially in those circumstances.
But compounding that with the loss of yourself would be even more tragic Copper.

There's some great advice here.

If you feel your friends death is contributing to that limbo-state, then why not investigate grief counselling?
My addiction used to love me in limbo - it used to barrel towards me like a wild dog...and I was stuck like a rabbit in the headlights.

don't be the rabbit Copper.
Do something.

D