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Newlywed Wife of an alcoholic seeking advice

Old 03-17-2015, 08:51 AM
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Newlywed Wife of an alcoholic seeking advice

A year and a half ago i meant the most stunning, kind, humble man who was in recovery for almost a year. We were both astounded by the depth of our feelings of love and friendship. I felt like God had finally blessed me with my soulmate, as much as I used to cringe at that term. We moved in together and literally never wanted to be apart. I fully supported him going to meetings, which he did....for awhile. Then he relapsed. His pattern is to get a bottle of vodka, hide it by the bed and drink. He blows off work which ENRAGES me. I find his drinking irresponsible- I know it is a disease, but it infuriates me when I have to be responsible and go to work and he just lies in bed. After he relapsed he never really got sober again for more than a few weeks- then we have another bender. I accept that he is alcoholic- but he does not. He refused to beleive he cannot drink "like everyone else". Last year, on March 23 I was struck with a severe illness and the surgeon that operated on me made a mistake that resulted in me being hospitalized for 6 months. Of course, a few weeks into it he relapsed and I didnt see him for days at a time or he would come to the hospital drunk and i would tell him to leave. In the end, he pulled himself together and spent every moment he wasnt at work by my side in a hospital bed. I recovered and we went on with our life, alcohol sneaking in here and there. We just got married a few weeks ago. I love him with all my heart. He was off from work yesterday and drank vodka in the morning until it was gone and then drank beer all day. We actually had a nice night together which ended in him saying goodnight and going to sleep at 11 PM or so. This morning he decided he was not going to work and was going to stay home and drink beer all day. I was again ENRAGED that he was not going to work (he is self employed, so if he doesnt work, he doesnt get paid). I'm committed to this man and i just dont know where to turn. I've read countless articles, etc. and i dont know if i am enabling him. I tried the "You made a mistake- lets just move on" approach but I almost feel like that is giving him "permission" to continue to do this. He doesnt "like" meetings and I suggested an addictions councilor which he was excited about only to find out at his first appointment that my company made a mistake and our insurance would not cover the 80.00 sessions. I forced myself to come to work and I texted him that i was going to rent a room for a bit because he is letting alcohol destroy us and his career. His phone is off (He never turns it off) I know because I called. I don't know how to get over the "if he loved me he would stop" feeling. I need help in understanding the difference between enabling and being supportive.
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Old 03-17-2015, 08:54 AM
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Hi, IloveRRR. That's a tough situation you're in. I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to say "hi".

I'm sure others with more to offer will be posting shortly. Hang in there!
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Old 03-17-2015, 09:00 AM
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So sorry for what brings you here.

I'm the "A" in my marriage. Drank for over 30 years before getting married. My wife did not know the extent of my drinking. I thought marriage would change how I drank. Lessen it, I hoped. It only got worse. Nine months into our marriage, after a night of totally out of control drinking, I quit.

I told myself my wife didn't deserve a drunk for a husband. But I don't think that's what kept me sober these four + years. I didn't deserve to be a drunk and my recovery had to be about me and my desire to get sober.

Same with your husband. He will have to want it.

We have an active Friends and Family forum. Pop over there. Start working on the one person you change effect change in: yourself.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 03-17-2015, 09:00 AM
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Loving an addict/alcoholic is hard work and unfortunately sometimes we have to resort to tough love. What it comes down to really is, how much are you willing to take? I have 2 adult children who are substance abusers. I finally had to draw the line in the sand, so to speak, and tell them I cannot tolerate watching you abuse yourselves and allow you to disrupt my life any longer. It is difficult to do but you have to protect yourself, alcoholism affects the entire family and until he is ready to come to terms with his illness there isn't really much you can do to support him.
Have you considered support groups for yourself? Sending thoughts and prayers your way. :hug
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Old 03-17-2015, 09:09 AM
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Glad you're here, welcome!

Perhaps consider group for yourself - such as Al-anon. This might give you some understanding of alcoholics behavior and how to set boundaries.

It sounds like he/you are maybe in your 40's??? (Finally blessed me with my soulmate mate comment, maybe I am incorrect) Have either of you been married before?? What is his history???

That may reveal much.......
Do you think there is any possibility he was simply looking for someone to take care of him???

Keep coming back!
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Old 03-17-2015, 09:57 AM
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Welcome Love
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Old 03-17-2015, 10:09 AM
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Welcome. I am glad you are here. I agree with joining the friends and family section.
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Old 03-17-2015, 10:10 AM
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YOU can't control him but you CAN control what you do. You know what you are willing to put up with and how you want your marriage to be. You have to set boundaries and stick to them. It is nothing about love, he has to want it for himself before he will get better. I will just tell you to be careful and not get pregnant anytime soon. That willadd more difficulty to this situation.

This is your life. How do you want to be treated?
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Old 03-17-2015, 10:20 AM
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Hi there, friend. Lots of people here know exactly how you feel.

If love could get another person sober, this forum would not exist.

Educating yourself about alcoholism and building a support network for yourself should be your main priorities right now. You have no control over his drinking -- he's going to do whatever he is going to do whether you become ENRAGED or whether you love him or whether you cry, beg, plead, scold, threaten or any number of other things thousands of others have tried to get their loved one to see the error of their drinking ways.

In the end, the only person you can have any power over is yourself.

If you can get to an Al-Anon meeting, please get there ASAP. This forum is awesome, but real life support is invaluable. If you have a counselor, close friends, family, please let them in on what's happening to you if you haven't already. Keeping it a secret won't help anyone, least of all you.

And if you're so inclined, please join us over in the Friends & Family of Alcoholics section of the forums. You might find a lot of familiar stories in there. You will definitely find a great deal of experience, strength, and hope.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 03-17-2015, 10:45 AM
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Welcome to SR and everything that SparkleKitty said.

Your husband's drinking has not much to do with his love for you. The comment that if love alone stopped the drinking, there wouldn't be SR is spot on. It isn't enough and until your husband admits there is a problem and wants to stop you will just be along for the ride.

I try practicing detachment and boundary setting but with some success. My husband and I are both alcoholics. I'm sober, he's relapsed. I get wrapped up in towering rages too. That's a really heavy weight to carry around. Take are of you first. Read in family and friends. And really do need the advice of not having kids until this is resolved. If you think you are carrying the full load now? Try being a single parent when your spouse is sleeping it off in the next room. He will never join in. Visions of a family unit will change as you realize that the family unit is you and the kids.

You didn't probably want or need all I wrote but I'm struggling with this myself at the moment and my husband knows he is an alcoholic, he just wants to keep at it at the moment.

Don't bottle all this inside in real life. An in person support network is so important. Again, welcome to SR.
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Old 03-17-2015, 11:27 AM
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Welcome to SR.

You can't stop your husband drinking. No matter what you say or do. Only he can stop drinking and if he doesn't think he has a problem or doesn't want to stop then he isn't going to stop no matter how much you beg, threaten or anything, The only thing you can do is decide how much you are prepared to put up with and live the rest of your life like this.

Although it's me that has the problem I can relate to the whole soulmate, complete, full on never apart intensity. since getting sober I realise that I was only like this due to my own insecurities and fears and looking to another person to 'complete' me. Since I got sober I've learned that the only person who can help me is me. No other person can 'complete' me. Only now am I ready for a relationship that is on decent terms and not one where I am desperate for someone to complete me and make me whole.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy I just know how easy it is to waste time on re-living those perfect early days when everything just falls into place and seems so perfect. If only we could get back to that point everything would be ok again? It won't.

at the end of the day the only thing you have control of is yourself and what you are prepared to put up with. As you only recently married him he will see that you are prepared to put up with everything that he has done before and cycles that repeat themselves. Nothing will change if YOU don't change it. He doesn't need to change because he knows you will be there for him and put up with this. only you can decide how much of your life you are going to spend taking second place to alcohol.

I agree the F&F forum would be really helpful for you.
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Old 03-17-2015, 12:41 PM
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Thank you for all the support

A little more about us: We are in our late 40's. We have both been married before and had some long term unsuccessful relationships. I truly dont think either of came together "unhealthy" or looking to for someone to "complete" each other. I have an excellent career and was very happy with my life and being single when we met. I certainly will take everyone's advice. I am familiar with the disease, however, I am used to the crazy, violent, crashing the car and depleting the bank account kind of disease. My husband is the kindest, caring man. We enjoy each other, cooking, TV, rides on his motorcycle, shopping and talking about our day. I have a great life and then WHAM, he drinks and it takes my husband away. I think its almost easier when your spouse is crazy and violent when drinking. Then it becomes a matter of safety and every day is stressful. I know. I lived with a man like that for 11 years. When my husband (then new bf) told me he was in recovery I almost wanted to walk away. But I think that would have been very unfair of me. He told me today that he doesnt want me to leave and he knows he has a problem and needs my help. But nothing ever comes of those words....I've heard them before. That's the part where I feel like I am enabling him. He's simply great until he drinks. Then he is quiet and just falls into sleeping and drinking. I'm going to stay active on this site- you really don't know how much it is helping me just to write this and have people respond. Thank all of you. <3
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Old 03-17-2015, 12:47 PM
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"I told myself my wife didn't deserve a drunk for a husband. But I don't think that's what kept me sober these four + years. I didn't deserve to be a drunk and my recovery had to be about me and my desire to get sober."-
Thank you so much for that comment, it struck a cord with me. What everyone has said is to take care of me- joining this site today is the first step for me.
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Old 03-17-2015, 01:13 PM
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Congrats love
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Old 03-17-2015, 02:04 PM
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Welcome to the Forum!!
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Old 04-23-2015, 07:25 AM
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IloveRRR....there is a post that may be very informative to y ou, just now...
Go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page. Go to the one titled: "Classic Readings".
Then, scroll down to the one titled: "10 WAYS TO TELL WHEN AN ADDICT OR ALCOHOLIC IS FULL OF CRAP".

You keep asking the question: "What kind of person does that make me (if you left an alcoholoic....because they are sick)?"
I just read...in your first post....that he doesn't "like meetings"----
WELL, what kind of a person does that make him if he refuses to do everything that needs to be done to become sober??

Many of the rules that we earned growing up---were meant for a healthy, balanced relationship. Addiction and abuse are two factors that turn all the normal rules topsy turvey. Out the window. Clinging to some of these "rules", blindly, will destroy you.

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Old 04-23-2015, 09:17 AM
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I'm so sorry for your terrible situation, I can't imagine what you're going through

I'm an alcoholic (now one month sober and working for more time!) and while I was always high-functioning and able to work, I put my husband through a LOT of terrible things. I embarrased him at his work events, in front of his friends and family. He now tells me that he worried every day that I would die.

It kills me that I could do to anyone what you said your husband is doing to you, but I'm pretty sure I did a lot of similar things. I hit my own rock bottom and had to decide for myself that it was time to be sober - I pray that your husband is able to find this for himself. You and your husband are in my thoughts.
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Old 04-23-2015, 09:56 AM
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Thank you very much Dandylion and cambie03. My husband did look at me this morning as I was flipping out and said "I need help". I've heard that before when he is drunk. I think he truly wants to be sober but he cannot accept he is an alcoholic. After a bender he will express regret, etc. Maybe make a few calls to people in AA and then.....nothing. He does nothing for his recovery and starts to think "well....maybe just a few shots..." And we are off to the races! He has been battling this for 15 years or so. He's been through rehab SEVERAL times before I met him, has "One day at a time" tattoed on his forearm yet still falls back into this "why cant I be normal?" mentality. It just occured to me as I type this that I wonder if alot of my fear and anger comes from being afraid that him hitting his "rock bottom" will effect my life so much that I will feel as if I have reached a rock bottom. I'm afraid of him dying, afraid of him getting in trouble - DUI or something, afraid he wont have a job (like now!) etc. I feel, even when he is "sober" that something BAD is about to happen because of his drinking.
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Old 04-23-2015, 10:41 AM
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Hi and welcome! You will find alot of support here. You said you were married a few weeks ago. This was after he relapsed and started back into the active alcoholic lifestyle?
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Old 04-23-2015, 11:38 AM
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I don't have any advice to offer, but I think the more experienced members of this thread have already made up for that

I just wanted to say welcome, and I hope these forums help you.
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