EndGameNYC

This is what people refer to as "taking hostages" among alcoholics, rather than engaging in mature relationships. Some of us do this with such ease that it's difficult for other people to imagine that we're not at all sincere about our intentions. It's a web of manipulation and deceit. He's currently exercising damage control. The subtext of what he's said is something along the lines of, "If you leave me, I'll never get sober." (It will be yor fault.) "I have a problem, and I need your help." (If you don't help me, I'll never get sober. And if you do help me, and I continue to drink, it's because you didn't support me enough or in the right way.)

Ultimately, many of us will do or say anything in order to avoid interruptions in our drinking.

As is true of love, sobriety has nothing at all to do with what we say and everything to do with what we do.

Berrybean

Yes - but some of the less obvious and visible ways alcoholics hurt others may be more subtle, but can cause more pain to those we love. I've been looking at my AA Step 8 stuff tonight, and there are some (tough) questions I have to consider. Your post really reminded me of those questions. At the moment he probably won't be able to see how he is doing these things - as I wouldn't have while I was still drinking. It is a crazy, messed up disease you know....

Now we need to look outward, and to put ourselves in the way of feeling the pain of others, pain that we ourselves have caused.

1. There are many reasons we began to drink. Eventually though, the disease progressed, became a way of life for me. And I still stuffed my emotions. How often and with whom was I not truly present and giving my love, because alcohol was more important to me than anything else?

2. As an alcoholic I often short-changed myself and others to acquire alcohol. I used my resources for my addiction, and not for giving my family and me the good things in life we all deserved. How have I stolen, cheated, or lied to avoid the consequences of my addiction? And who was hurt by my actions?

3. In my disease, I often settled for much less than the best in many areas. How did my willingness to make alcohol my objective in life shortchange others, at home, at work, in relationships and friendships? Who did I harm in this?

4. As my disease progressed, I became filled with rage, self hatred, and anxiety. How did I cause injury or harm to others by my inappropriate reactions to life?


Now I can see how much harm I have caused, but know that back then I was full of self-pity, fear, and anger at how I'd been short-changed by life, and how little people cared / did for me. It actually scares me when I really quite how deluded I was. I also consider myself - while sober - a caring and kind person. It's pretty hard for me to reconcile myself to who I was and things I did.

I have no idea what the answer is for your predicament. I really do hope that your husband is able to accept that he is powerless over alcohol and decide that he wants to get better. Until he does this there is nothing that anyone can do to help him. The good news is that once he does decide, then there is lots of support for him.

I agree with the people who have said about going along to Al Anon for some support for yourself. Please take care, and remember that he isn't carrying on drinking because he doesn't love you enough. It doesn't work like that. However, that doesn't mean that you don't deserve better if he is going to continue living like this in the long term.

JT0626

IloveRRR,

I used to drink & I still have an active alcoholic for a husband. You know what I did? I disconnected. I focus on me, my recovery, my health, & my daughter. My husband's drinking is not my problem. I am sure you are unimpressed with the drunk man passing out on the couch & not going to work in the morning. Stop getting mad at him, it's his own fault if he doesn't get paid. Let him drink himself into a stupor, that is not your problem.

I would, however, make sure you are protecting you. That may mean keeping your money separate from him. You don't have to be the one financing his alcohol. If he wants it, then he pays for it out of his own funds.

Disconnect, that may be the best thing for your peace of mind....