PinkGstring

Thiss post scares me a bit I'm 58 days sober I hit rock bottom about 2 -3 weeks ago I felt I wanted to smash my head in my cravings were so overpowering!
I had to call for an emergency consult with the outpatients clinics psychologist my therapist.
It worked. We also sorted out the anti cravings drugs cos All I was thinking about for 5 weeks was the feeling of getting drunk.
I never liked the first two drinks they always made me gag! But once through that I was fibe.
What scares me in this post is that one can sort of sleep walk and not realise what is happening until it's too late.
I hope with all my heart like all of us that I will never lapse/relapse.
I'm worried that AV will take over and makes me drink.
I feel really feel for this person I wish I could do something to make him feel any better

Gilmer

Don't worry, Pink. "Each day has enough problems of its own." The longer you go sober and the harder you work on living a sober balanced life, the less likely it will be that you will suddenly "get possessed" and buy liquor.

That being said, you can't afford to live your live on auto-pilot; you have to be conscious about every little thing you do. Live your life purposefully, every moment. That way you will be guaranteed to recognize the AV for what it is and fight it off.

biminiblue

Trach, I hope you stayed home - but regardless, let us know how today goes as it's likely to be another minefield. One day of drinking does not have to become a full on relapse.

PinkGString, you've got this. Keep doing what you've been doing. Remember in vivid detail the events that brought you to recovery. The actions of others and their relapses does not change your commitment. There are a lot of threads like this on this site - and Trach is one whom we've come to love.

There is no way in Hades that I'm going back to that horrible place. If anything, this thread fortified my resolve, buttressed my walls, renewed my faith. I doubled down my prayers and my belief that I am safe from this. I don't let in the thoughts that, "There go I," because I don't believe - won't believe - that this will happen to me. I stand with him, but apart. I have empathy, but won't succumb to that terrifying fear-filled call.

AddictGuy

Sorry to offend anyone or threaten anyone's sense of confidence or security, but it gets very real in here, and we do all need to keep our eyes wide open. I don't see where I have encouraged anyone to succumb. But I also won't marginalize Trach's struggle.

May we all walk with the Titans.

AG

Ruby2

Gilmer, I love what you wrote. Sums up a lot.

Thepatman

Hey man,

There are no Titans here, we all smell the same when we go.

That being said, we also get back up the same way, by dropping the booze, helping each other, and NOT bashing our heads in if we have setbacks.

Now drop the bottle, buy some ice cream and start a new thread. ok man?

thomas11

Wow, what a thread. It appears Trach went to work (hopefully back to bed). I hope he gets back online later today for an update.

I also just wanted to mention, I see alot of folks post that have other maladies that have likely contributed to their alcoholism or difficulty staying sober. I can't imagine how hard that must be and I just want to applaud all of your efforts in being aware of it and constantly fighting the good fight.

kzaug2014

Hi Trach, I'm very sorry you tripped. But, I applaud you for coming here right away & admitting you had done so! I tripped yesterday too, but was too much of a coward to admit it ( I'm an addict & spent all day & night smoking a crack pipe!!! )
And I'm still too much of a damn coward to make my own post!
I feel your pain!

RobbyRobot

We all have our own experiences on becoming drunk. Was there ever a time I didn't realize I was about to pickup? Certainly times I didn't plan on getting totally drunk. And times I didn't plan on staying drunk days on end. And times I swore off drinking only to eventually find myself back to drinking. The thing is, it was never to late to stop myself from picking up if I was already sober. **Once drunk, that was an entirely different story.**

To be truthful, the times I lied to myself about staying sober, knowing I was going to get drunk again sooner or later, those kinds of delusions really was what was playing out the times I found myself drunk seemingly out of nowhere. Lies I told myself and then pretended I didn't. These lies lead me back to drinking. And continuing to lie to myself once I was drunk that everything happened without my awareness was just more insidious and delusional than the original lies I self-created. Really, I was trying to sidestep my responsibilities for my own drunkenness.

I am a recovered alcoholic drug addict. I embrace my alcoholism as an illness of mind, body, and spirit. This does not mean I'm not responsible for my past drinking. Every drink I ever took was me taking that drink. My alcoholism didn't make it impossible for me to quit. What alcohol did to me, and how it did it, is all about my alcoholism. What I did with my alcoholism is all on me.

People return to alcohol for whatever reasons. It really isn't practically important when people claim they had no idea they were about to drink and blow their abstinence / sobriety except that with such claims they are in fact also claiming to have been delusional in their actions taken. Its the anticipated and desired delusional effects of drinking alcohol which are importantly something worthy enough to consider rather than pretending people pick up a drink without already knowing somewhere in their awareness what they are doing.

As for (A)ddictive (V)oice making anybody return to drinking, forcing them to pickup, creating a point of no return where drinking is the only choice going forward --- such rationalizations are false. AV is just the addiction barking away. Talking away. AV can't take any action. Can't make any action be taken. AV likes to lie its all powerful and in charge. It's not though.

Don't believe your AV can make you take a drink. Such lies are really the most insidious lies AV uses to delude whomever believes they somehow want a drink into picking up that drink. You're AV can never take over. The best it can do is cheer you on if you decide to pick up that drink, and forever nag on you if you decide to not pick up. There are several and many ways to deal with the nagging...

EndGameNYC

Hi Robby.

When I made amends to my ex, an ongoing process that now includes my not attempting to contact her, I told her that I could have stopped drinking at any moment along the way, but I did not. (I know people have different thoughts and feelings about this, but this was the case for me.) What I didn't say was that I continued drinking out of fear. That would not have been an amends, but providing and excuse for why I drank, another act of bad faith on my part. A lie that I told to myself.

This is all so difficult while we're in it, and wisdom is elusive until we learn to make commitments about our behavior, make ourselves accountable for who and what we are.

RobbyRobot

With all respect, I can make such claim to never again find myself drunk. I now have 33+ years of making such claim to never again be drunk. For transparency, my drunkenness brought me to complete ruin. Alcoholism ruled me.

You know, no matter how deluded I had become, there was no getting away from my responsibility to not abuse alcohol. Doesn't matter that I sold my soul to alcohol. Doesn't matter why I sold my soul. Doesn't matter. Being a slave didn't earn me a get-out-of-jail-free card. I was then, and still remain, responsible for my drinking. And because I am always responsible, I can make good on my claim to never again drink.

AddictGuy

Robby,

Thank you very much for your posts and we are all -- we must all support each other on the upward journey.

Perhaps, as ThePatman says, none of us are Titans just yet, and so perhaps, maybe we should not strain our wrists polishing our halos. Robby, I don't mean you.

That said, I so dearly look forward to the day when I can completely separate myself from the AV and never feel carried along. I also think that we should be very careful not to mock or dismiss each other before that day comes to fruition . . . for all of us.

I am here to learn. I don't know if I would be here merely altruistically. I try to be helpful and I have been told on occasion that I am. I have never been hurtful for the sake of hurtfulness, but I also believe we have got to be as real with each other as we can manage to strain ourselves to be, and one person's realness is going to inevitably crash into another's now and then.

We are not here to celebrate each others' wonderfulness. We are also not here to be so polite as to have nothing of consequence to say.

I can write on here and go off and agonize about how I will be received and wonder, why, oh, why did I say the things that I said only to come back and see that it was just the thing someone needed to hear and even to be told as much in no uncertain terms.

Another time I can get feedback as if they are preparing the tar, and feathers -- as if "We don't want your kind here. Wait until you have it all together and then we will let you speak." And I never seem to be able to predict which it will be. But I know I have helped people and I know I have been helped. Maybe one day I will be at the place where some of you are, where you are no longer in danger from your own thoughts and actions -- like many of us here hope. I have come a long, long way, though I have yet a ways to go. I realize that, but, until then or until the overseers block me or pull me aside, I believe I will just go on being myself. I don't know what else to do.

Lurking is something it takes courage not to do and that's fine if that's where you are. I used to do that and I would "hear" people say it's not enough, and you gotta jump in there and so I do.

Again, my apologies for this not being my thread, but the actors in this impromptu play are here and so I am too.

With all apologies,

Your humble servant,

AG

Gilmer

You're cool, AG!

ArtFriend

I beg to differ! I happen to smell like roses!

RobbyRobot

AG,

Not sure why you are apologizing, okay? I don't see any reason for you to reproach yourself on any level of understanding. You're amongst friends here, AddictGuy.

You know, I believe there are more Titans here than not. I don't agree we shouldn't shout out we are all that and more! We all have travelled through hells of one kind or another. We all already fully deserve to be appreciated for our success in moving forward even if we sometimes stumble along the way. Doesn't matter how many times we fall. Matters only that we get back up and make it work for us. Falling isn't a deal-breaker. I fell for years before I finally stood my ground.

Please don't be wondering if somehow I'm not appreciative of your sharing of yourself AG. Feel free.

Yeah, I have it pretty easy at 33+ years. And that's something awesome to share with my friends here at SR. Still though, its worth saying when I finally managed to stay quit after July 22, 1981 after failing for something like six years before 1981 I accomplished staying sober simply by taking on responsibility back onto myself at day 1. At the time I suffered from serious mental illness (schizophrenia) and anxiety and other physical complications. It wasn't a cake walk like it is now. I know sometimes members see my 33 years and say "yeah, well, when I get there, sure, things will be different... and whatever". The thing is, I got here from day 1 too, just like anybody else.

My years of sobriety are meaningful in the sense I have life experience with sobriety, and that really is it. Years of sobriety don't mean I have the best answer for what troubles alcoholics. Doesn't even mean I know what works for others either. Just means I have years of experience with staying quit.

AddictGuy

Robby,

I concede that there are those here among us who are out of danger from substances in their distant past, hard fought and fairly won.

And I thought I knew everything. Rats! (OK, maybe now I do)

I hear you talk about taking responsibility and of that being the crux of the thing for you. As you express yourself on the matter, that seems to me to be the deeply held truth for you.

I want that too, though I feel I am only reading the cover of the book that I have been introduced to on that, and, at this point can only wonder what is inside. But I assure you, I am not here to play, except that I am here to win and not find excuses. I am expecting that veterans such as you will light the way. I am listening.

In no way did I feel that you were desirous of suppressing me. Rather I felt support from you. We have in common that we both get wordy. What the h***! We have something to say. I was only speaking in generalities as a courtesy, and no allusions of criticism or fault were directed at you, my friend.

As to my apologies, I am new here, I don't want to come across heavy-handed or predatory and yet I do want to claim my own space and I try to balance between those two. I do want to never offend anyone, and though I know that is not realistic, I am sensitive to that, but I also do not want to hide behind my chair, which is always an option I perpetually consider. My apologies may be a futile attempt to have it both ways. :-)

They say courage is not courage if you aren't afraid first and yet go on despite it.

You have mentioned your physical condition. I do want you to know that is very much in my thoughts and my heart so very much goes out to you in that regard. I sincerely wish you the very best with that.

Thanks for your kindnesses,

AG

AddictGuy

Damn, that's good.

I AM RESPONSIBLE

AG

trachemys

Checking in. I did go to work today. Felt like hell all day. Forgot how bad a hangover could be. Threw up a few times. Now I'm home. No booze in the house.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

Justincredible

Welcome back trachemys. I learned a lot from this thread. I was really craving yesterday and this thread amongst others on SR really helped me to not act on my cravings.

Lots of support here, you can do this!

RobbyRobot

Good man Trach.