LostLilly

Hello,

This my first post. I am an at home mom of 3. I have developed a horrible alcohol problem. I often drink 2 bottles of wine a day or vodka even. My kids are old enough to know there is a major problem and I am so guilty about it. I suffer extreme panic and OCD. I self medicate anxiety and then feel so physically sick and mentally anguished that I will wake up and drink first thing just to have peace. Of course this makes things worse in the long run. I have tried medications but they never really worked for me and the side effects bothered me. I drank last night and made an embarrassment of myself and upset my family and family friends. Today I have not drank but have been in bed most of the day suffering again mentally and physically. I don't know how I can ever forgive myself for my behavior these past 2 years when things really spiraled. I have hurt people and cannot even look at myself in the mirror due to self hate. Being Christian I also feel I have sinned so badly. I have been reading this forum for a while and am so inspired by those who remain sober or have long sober stretches. I have failed constantly and never make it past a day or two at the most.

I have gotten to the point that I know I need to change. I have accidentally injured myself and also have lots of symptoms like bloating, bruises, horrible skin, abdominal distress and liver area pain. Also my family cannot take it. They have no sense of consistency from me. I think my oldest hates me at this point and whenever I look at her face I feel such indescribable sadness. The list goes on of my crazy, reckless behaviors and the aftermath.

I have heard people mention a sober plan and I am still thinking it over. I know coming here and being honest was a step. I need to communicate with others who understand. I also need to exersize, eat well, and be a better friend. I cancel plans because I am too messed up often. I have read books on alcoholism because my dad is an alcoholic. He has almost died so many times. I said I would never, ever be like him and I am probably worse.

Thanks for listening. Does self respect ever return? Do you ever stop feeling awful about inexcusable mistakes?? Anyone ever felt like I do at this moment?

Thanks for reading,
Lilly

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Lilly!! You'll find loads of support and advice here on SR!!

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. If you have been reading around SR I hope you have identified what's working for people and what's not. Having an open mind to doing WHATEVER it takes, is important. Even if it doesn't take everything, the willingness to so goes a long way.

Your alcoholism is exasperated by mental issues.

Well, if you were taking them and drinking, they probably weren't effective. I think you should try them again, sober, and see if they are more effective. As for the side effects, are they worse than the side effects of drinking? If I recall, you are in bed, suffering from alcohol. If you will put yourself through that, you can endure whatever side effects prescribed meds give you.

I wish you well on your recovery journey.

least

Welcome to the family! I used to feel hopeless but with the help of my addiction counselor and daily visits to SR I got and stayed sober.

If counseling isn't an option, can you go to some AA meetings? You'll find lots of support there, and also here.

You are not alone. You have all of us.

Soberwolf

Welcome Lilly

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, LostLilly; glad that you found us and began posting.

Life as it is now does not have to be your life in the future. You can turn all of this around and find a fulfilling, happier and healthier life. And, yes, you can get past the guilt and shame and, once resolved, move forward in a good way.

As part of your plan, it may be a good idea to see your doctor to discuss your drinking and your plans for sobriety, and to re-visit the medications you previously took for your anxiety and ocd. As doggonecarl mentioned, alcohol interferes with the efficacy of so many medications and also can fuel and exacerbate anxiety.

Your life can be dramatically different, Lilly. Again, glad you found SR.

FreeOwl

Yes.
Yes.
And Yes.

This is a good place to be, and to stick around. You'll find tons of support, encouragement and understanding here.

A face to face community of support - particularly for someone who is perhaps a bit isolated (stay-at-home...) is also very very helpful. I encourage you to consider AA. Since you're Christian I assume "The God Thing" won't deter you. It is a fantastic program. And, it works.

I have felt much the same way you do. I have felt horrible about myself. I have let myself and family and friends and spirit down.....

And today my life is rich and joyful and positive and getting better every day.

just over 15 months ago, I was drinking vodka in the morning to get through hangovers... drinking in secret.... drinking despite not wanting to....

Now I am almost 15 months sober and I don't feel any of that horrible stuff anymore.

SR, AA, counseling, getting honest with myself, exercise, meditation, changing habits, surrounding myself with changes that embraced sobriety..... that's how I did it.

You can too.

Welcome.

(You never have to feel this way again.... it's up to you).

ccam1973

Welcome Lilly.

I never made it past 1 or 2 days either for 20+ years... Until I found SR. I always thought my story was unique and I was alone; not true at all. We all share some common elements and are here to support one another.

It took me a few tries, but once I gave in and committed 100%, my life has fallen back into place. Of course I didn't know how great life could be after 20+ years of heavy daily drinking.

You CAN do this. It does take a lot of effort on your part, but it is within reach and so worth every ounce of energy you put in to it. Your tomorrow can be better than today, the next better than the previous, and so on.

Once you make a plan, stick to it. Your AV will scream often at first, then it will quiet down a bit.

Just don't drink. Just don't drink. Just don't drink...

You do have the power within yourself to make a better tomorrow for you and your family.

So glad you found us. You'll find a ton of nonjudgmental support here.

LostLilly

Thank you so very much for all your quick replies!!!! Medications were for anxiety and for the most part were taken prior to over drinking. You are right Carl, I have been struggling with mental issues my entire life. By that I mean back to the age of 5 as crazy as that sounds. Eating disorders and major self loathing as well. Other than a few close friends and family, I have kept a lot of it hidden and most people think life is great, which is an enormous lie. Did councling and behavior therapy to deal with panic/OCD for a long time. I think I need to revisit that however. Did make a Dr. appt to discuss options. Scared to death what any blood work results will tell me. Know changes must be made at this point so will revisit and suggestions Dr. has. My goal is to conquer this thing. I have always been very goal orientated so it is killing me that I have not been able to fix this and that it is in fact getting worse.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome to SR Lilly. Your life can only get better when you stop drinking. I'm also a mother and stopped drinking 2 years ago. My only wish now is that I'd done it sooner. Just take each day at a time. physically. you'll probably feel awful for the first few days but you feel awful anyway but at least when you quit you know it will eventually get better.

I also suffer from anxiety and my meds never worked. since getting sober my depression has completely gone and I understand my anxiety more now sober. It won't ever go completely but it's manageable and no where near as bad as it was. The meds work now and I understand more about what triggers me. As others have said though. your meds won't work with alcohol.

Crasfd

Welcome

Opivotal

Welcome Lilly! Sure, I've felt like you do. You're not alone anymore. We "get" it.

I couldn't get sober alone either. The awesome members here held me up until I could stand and get a hold of myself. You've taken an awesome first step, which took courage.

The longer you're sober the better you will feel about yourself. Self respect does return. You can do this!

Kris47

Lilly,

Hello and Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

Your story could have been so many of ours. I'm 14 months sober by the Grace of God. God did for me what I could not do for myself. Pray. Try an AA meeting. I know it sounds daunting but everyone had to go to their first meeting, too. Just go and listen. You don't have to promise your family anything right now. Show them. Don't pick up the first drink. The craving will be bad the first week or so. Ask your doctor to help. I'm sure he will. Everyday sober is a day closer to finding happiness, self esteem and love. You can do this. I did. Come along for a ride. It is so worth it! Stay close to SR..............

Anna

Lily, I also self-medicated anxiety/depression that has been with me since childhood. It took so long for drs to diagnose me and find a proper treatment that I eventually began self-medicating. Like you, I let down my children and my husband. To this day, I wish that had not happened, but I know that I have needed to forgive myself in order to move on. If you don't forgive yourself, it will be very hard to recover. Journaling really helped me to release the guilt and shame.

Your plan sounds good. I have used SR as a lifeline for many years. Exercise is always important as is spending time with myself. Balance is so important to me.

Have faith that you can do this and we're here for you.

Lovesunrises

Hi Lostlilly. I have felt exactly like you do. I have done embarrassing things in front of friends and family including my kids, I've had to cancel plans on the weekends because I was drinking (alone) and therefore couldn't drive to wherever I needed to be. I could go on and on. I still struggle with my guilt, but I will say that things have been getting better since I haven't been drinking. Some days are a struggle, but at the end of the day, it's always an accomplishment to get through it sober instead of passing out and starting the same vicious cycle all over again the next day. SR is a great place for support with lots of wonderful people who understand!

FallenAngel29

Hi, Lilly. I can't really offer advice as I'm also new here and working on the sober thing. All of the previous posters have given some amazing advice that I'm not qualified to give, but I did want to mention something that stuck out to me.

"Better than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant. And "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Im sure you already know, but He'll meet you RIGHT where you are. Best of luck.

Berrybean

Hi Lily. Welcome. I remember feeling that hopelessness, and self-loathing. AA and the 12-Step programme is changing all this for me, and for thousands of others. These are the promises of what the program can do if you work through the steps. (And it sounds like you are all ready for Step 1 - admitting that you are powerless over alcohol.) You have nothing to lose and everything to gain xx

The AA Promises
1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

ladybug77

Welcome to SR, Lilly

SoberLeigh

How are you today, LostLilly?

LostLilly

Thank you for all your replies!!! So much good advise and wisdom! I am onto day 2. Feeling very emotional, anxious, tired but can't sleep, feverish, and depressed. Vented horribly to my kids about how they are not doing enough around the house, like even picking clothing up or turning off lights or little things, am not proud of it. Really vented to oldest about her poor/mean attitude that I cannot take anymore and am again guilty and feel like I cannot do anything right or win as a mom and i feel bad they are stuck with me. The self medicating with wine has caused me to be so guilty that I do too much to the point of exhaustion and spoil them to try to make up for my embarrassing, pathetic behavior. It is a vicious, self destructive cycle!! Also realize that I have gained weight and feel very ugly. So much to do and its so tempting to drink to make it less burdensome and to keep the tears/feelings away. Am committed not too however!! Know it is not the solution and is wrecking my life. Thank you sooooo much again for the support!!! Sorry my emotions are all over the place. I feel like a nervous wreck right now and am in tears.

Lilly