In sobriety, this is what I've woken up to...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 419
Little Bear,
I remember the first time I thought I was too old and my life was over. And that was twenty odd years ago. I was wrong then, and if I were to think it now, I would be wrong now. I defy any thoughts in my head to take me down that road. I am so adamantly opposed to that thought ever finding a place in my mind again that I would deny it to my last breath even if it was my last breath. I take that back, I will allow myself my last day on earth to die. The rest of them are for finding ways to live. Maybe it was some old comedian who said, if you wonder if your mission in life is over, ask yourself if you are dead. If you aren't, it isn't.
I watched a bio on Elenore Roosevelt. She grew up pretty much unwanted and overlooked and then the one-day president just had to marry her and shortly after that, he, though privately, "moved on". So, in that capacity, she was alone again. She found that one of the answers to that was to make herself needed and she would do that by helping people less fortunate. And they loved her for it and she loved them in return. And she made some serious, (and quantity isn't really a factor) -- some serious mutual helper friends beside. Belonging. Love. (think: volunteer work)
You mentioned writing. I have had some of the highest compliments about my writing. OK, now I am just bragging -- never published, etc. So mostly only arrogant. But they say everyone has a story to write, even if it is about themselves. And then there is fiction (although it has been said that all fiction is autobiographical as well). And if it never gets published? So what?
I am so taken away from my troubles, even time itself when I write. I mean I can look up and it's ten hours later and I will wish I didn't have to stop to go to bed. Talk about escapes. I am gone, gone, gone into whatever world I am writing about. It is similar to the oblivion of alcohol, that is, except without the alcohol. :-)
I have heard it said that one of the greatest agonies of an individual is the persistent misconception that everyone else is happier than (with apologies) he is. Once, I was so torn up about my love leaving that my days were just an endless parade of depression and then as my friend listened to me lament my loneliness he said something that I ended up taking as an epiphany, and a new direction for my life: I like living alone.
I know people who are surrounded by family and have it all and just wish they could draw a free breath for once in forever. If they could only be the one for once to decide what channel the TV was on, or if it was on at all.
I have lived alone by choice now for over 17 years. And yes, it can get lonely, especially if I entertain that notion. But I remind myself, because I know this so well, there are worse things than being alone. Further, we can be alone in a crowd as well.
You can clearly write. Not only do we here instantly fall in love with you, as you can see, but I dare say many of us fall in love with the way you write as well. I would love to see you write about something. Anything. Bring it on. I can't wait.
There is a lot said about how all of us, ultimately, are alone -- alone within ourselves. I have heard it said that we are all serving a life sentence with no hope of parole in solitary confinement, within our own skins.
Yes, it's hard and it's questionably even reasonable to expect to be OK without anyone, but on the other hand I think community can be overrated in that it can still leave so many of us thinking, "Is that all there is?"
I relish my aloneness. I bask in it. I have people I can talk to if I have to and someone not too far away if there are emergencies, but I don't really need them hanging around. And I like talking to people here, it's where I am content to do most of my writing these days. I can go days without human contact and little when I have it. It is no small thing that I have my cats. They know more about being content with little and about here and now being enough than I do, though I am letting them teach me.
I love hearing how you address not drinking and your determination not to, awakening to the pain of it in its newness notwithstanding. Of course abstinence is critical. That is just a given around here. But beyond that I think you will be just fine. None of us would say that about all of us. I do think it is also critical that you at least hang with us for a while. We are good company and we don't even dirty any dishes.
AG
I remember the first time I thought I was too old and my life was over. And that was twenty odd years ago. I was wrong then, and if I were to think it now, I would be wrong now. I defy any thoughts in my head to take me down that road. I am so adamantly opposed to that thought ever finding a place in my mind again that I would deny it to my last breath even if it was my last breath. I take that back, I will allow myself my last day on earth to die. The rest of them are for finding ways to live. Maybe it was some old comedian who said, if you wonder if your mission in life is over, ask yourself if you are dead. If you aren't, it isn't.
I watched a bio on Elenore Roosevelt. She grew up pretty much unwanted and overlooked and then the one-day president just had to marry her and shortly after that, he, though privately, "moved on". So, in that capacity, she was alone again. She found that one of the answers to that was to make herself needed and she would do that by helping people less fortunate. And they loved her for it and she loved them in return. And she made some serious, (and quantity isn't really a factor) -- some serious mutual helper friends beside. Belonging. Love. (think: volunteer work)
You mentioned writing. I have had some of the highest compliments about my writing. OK, now I am just bragging -- never published, etc. So mostly only arrogant. But they say everyone has a story to write, even if it is about themselves. And then there is fiction (although it has been said that all fiction is autobiographical as well). And if it never gets published? So what?
I am so taken away from my troubles, even time itself when I write. I mean I can look up and it's ten hours later and I will wish I didn't have to stop to go to bed. Talk about escapes. I am gone, gone, gone into whatever world I am writing about. It is similar to the oblivion of alcohol, that is, except without the alcohol. :-)
I have heard it said that one of the greatest agonies of an individual is the persistent misconception that everyone else is happier than (with apologies) he is. Once, I was so torn up about my love leaving that my days were just an endless parade of depression and then as my friend listened to me lament my loneliness he said something that I ended up taking as an epiphany, and a new direction for my life: I like living alone.
I know people who are surrounded by family and have it all and just wish they could draw a free breath for once in forever. If they could only be the one for once to decide what channel the TV was on, or if it was on at all.
I have lived alone by choice now for over 17 years. And yes, it can get lonely, especially if I entertain that notion. But I remind myself, because I know this so well, there are worse things than being alone. Further, we can be alone in a crowd as well.
You can clearly write. Not only do we here instantly fall in love with you, as you can see, but I dare say many of us fall in love with the way you write as well. I would love to see you write about something. Anything. Bring it on. I can't wait.
There is a lot said about how all of us, ultimately, are alone -- alone within ourselves. I have heard it said that we are all serving a life sentence with no hope of parole in solitary confinement, within our own skins.
Yes, it's hard and it's questionably even reasonable to expect to be OK without anyone, but on the other hand I think community can be overrated in that it can still leave so many of us thinking, "Is that all there is?"
I relish my aloneness. I bask in it. I have people I can talk to if I have to and someone not too far away if there are emergencies, but I don't really need them hanging around. And I like talking to people here, it's where I am content to do most of my writing these days. I can go days without human contact and little when I have it. It is no small thing that I have my cats. They know more about being content with little and about here and now being enough than I do, though I am letting them teach me.
I love hearing how you address not drinking and your determination not to, awakening to the pain of it in its newness notwithstanding. Of course abstinence is critical. That is just a given around here. But beyond that I think you will be just fine. None of us would say that about all of us. I do think it is also critical that you at least hang with us for a while. We are good company and we don't even dirty any dishes.
AG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
This post was so profound, a wake-up call for my life. While I'm not in the same position as my family member regarding alcohol, it has affected me nearly as much. I have a lot yet left to give to the world and rather than worrying about my AS, I am going to focus on what contribution I can make to society. Here's to Eleanor Roosevelt & AG!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,172
Awesome post AddictGuy,
I can't write to save my life but I know that you need to have experiences in order to be able to write about them.
Still in the early stages of my recoverry and I find it really important to have something "to do" in the evenings no matter how unimportant or mindless, just to stop myself from obsessing about drink. So at the moment I am cooking myself nice, but time consuming meals and (most days) forcing myself to walk/jog/exercise in order to shed a few pounds
I'm sure things will get better for you when your energy levels pick up
I can't write to save my life but I know that you need to have experiences in order to be able to write about them.
Still in the early stages of my recoverry and I find it really important to have something "to do" in the evenings no matter how unimportant or mindless, just to stop myself from obsessing about drink. So at the moment I am cooking myself nice, but time consuming meals and (most days) forcing myself to walk/jog/exercise in order to shed a few pounds
I'm sure things will get better for you when your energy levels pick up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Hi. Thought I'd say hello so no-one's worrying just because I went a bit quiet...? I've had a rotten day but am/will be ok. Thank you for your kind messages...
Hevyn...see I am here...am ok?
Addictguy thanks for such a long thoughtful post. Clearly you've come to know yourself well, and i feel glad you seem to have worked through a lot of your own struggles, and found some things that help you...like writing, like being comfortable living alone (enough of the time),.and much more besides. Right now I feel sorry that i can't really do justice to your lovely and well-intentioned post...other than to say there's a lot I agree with in your contemplations about some things about life... It's just that right now...I am finding it quite hard to do more than put one foot in front of the other... but, like you say - I will be fine. Of course i will...(i think?) It's hard though now...
I didn't go to work today...but went a long drive and hung around a cafe I know with good pancakes. Then a walk. At least i live in a pretty part of the uk. It's the little things...
Anyways, got through another day. And grateful I can end it saying thankyou to all of you who've been sending wishes in my direction...i can feel them. Hope you all have more ease yourselves x
Hevyn...see I am here...am ok?
Addictguy thanks for such a long thoughtful post. Clearly you've come to know yourself well, and i feel glad you seem to have worked through a lot of your own struggles, and found some things that help you...like writing, like being comfortable living alone (enough of the time),.and much more besides. Right now I feel sorry that i can't really do justice to your lovely and well-intentioned post...other than to say there's a lot I agree with in your contemplations about some things about life... It's just that right now...I am finding it quite hard to do more than put one foot in front of the other... but, like you say - I will be fine. Of course i will...(i think?) It's hard though now...
I didn't go to work today...but went a long drive and hung around a cafe I know with good pancakes. Then a walk. At least i live in a pretty part of the uk. It's the little things...
Anyways, got through another day. And grateful I can end it saying thankyou to all of you who've been sending wishes in my direction...i can feel them. Hope you all have more ease yourselves x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,506
Yes, it is the little things. Especially in the early days. You're making a big adjustment - a few rotten days are normal. Very happy to know you got through another day and distracted yourself with the pancakes, a walk & a drive. That's the way to do it. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 419
Littlebear,
You caught me in a chatty mood, and besides, writing, for me, can be that day off of work and a drive through beautiful countryside with a fine stack of lips (pancakes) waiting for me by the fireside.
And like you and Hevyn said, it is the little things. And yes, that is where it all begins. An appreciation of the little things. I have found appreciation of the little things works wonders when we find we might be without some of the big things. I have found that learning to see all of the little things can lead to a good deal of wonderment and joy all by itself. After all, little things need love too. And if you don't appreciate them, they may not get appreciated at all. Pardon me. Just some silliness on my part.
I think though you may not now be where you want to be, you are a scootch better than where you were. After all, you found us and we found you.
Even in a shorter note from you like here, your writing holds a depth and a beauty beyond what you might think. It shows a depth of character and it shows a certain flair.
And as you can see, Hevyn, saoutchik, others and I need to know you are OK. We love you. Stay in touch so we don't worry.
AG
You caught me in a chatty mood, and besides, writing, for me, can be that day off of work and a drive through beautiful countryside with a fine stack of lips (pancakes) waiting for me by the fireside.
And like you and Hevyn said, it is the little things. And yes, that is where it all begins. An appreciation of the little things. I have found appreciation of the little things works wonders when we find we might be without some of the big things. I have found that learning to see all of the little things can lead to a good deal of wonderment and joy all by itself. After all, little things need love too. And if you don't appreciate them, they may not get appreciated at all. Pardon me. Just some silliness on my part.
I think though you may not now be where you want to be, you are a scootch better than where you were. After all, you found us and we found you.
Even in a shorter note from you like here, your writing holds a depth and a beauty beyond what you might think. It shows a depth of character and it shows a certain flair.
And as you can see, Hevyn, saoutchik, others and I need to know you are OK. We love you. Stay in touch so we don't worry.
AG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: NYC
Posts: 301
Hang in there littlebear, you got it. Good work on putting down the vino, was my drink of choice too. I have a very limited number of family members, but also feel alone since starting my sober journey a little over 8 months ago. I haven't felt like putting myself out there yet and opening the door to make new acquaintances or friends just yet. For now I guess I'm just taking care of myself and after the initial shock of feeling alone, I rather enjoy not having any obligations to others...for now anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 419
Hey, Littlebear. I saw you jumped in there with the trach thread . . . or were pulled. lol
This is the beautiful, beautiful process of a helpee being converted into a helper. Never all one or all the other, but still. That a girl.
Life affirming !!!!!
This is the beautiful, beautiful process of a helpee being converted into a helper. Never all one or all the other, but still. That a girl.
Life affirming !!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
