nymets86

So I'm 23 days sober and went to a sporting event tonight with friends. A few hours before the game, my friends all told me to come meet them at a bar to pregame. I knew it was stupid to go and I really didn't want to go. Maybe with more sober time under my belt, it makes sense to do that.

Anyway, I went to the bar. I got a club soda and lime (which was free to my surprise) and nursed it for the 90 minutes I was there before the game. I was offered several beers and turned them down.

I'm home now and completely sober. Saw one of my close friends get trashed and while not causing a scene, he was being obnoxiously loud.

Should I be mad at myself that I made a conscious decision to go to the bar when I easily could have met them at the game? Should I be happy that the club soda and lime worked well and I actually felt comfortable in my own skin?

I dunno, just feeling pretty mixed up right now. I didn't drink, but I took a step toward drinking and that's not what I wanted to be doing.

getright15

I'm almost 3 weeks sober and I dont think you did anything wrong. You hung out with your friends and you didn't drink. So I'd say job well done.

I live in Vegas and I have friends coming into town that I haven't seen in years and I'll be in the same situation when it comes to drinking. I know they all will be getting hammered. My plan is to hang out for a while and call it an early night since I have court the following Monday for a DUI I got last July. Feels good to be sober honestly...you should feel good about what you have accomplished and being able to say no to drinks all night.

nymets86

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

It's just bugging me that I made the choice to go to the bar in the first place. I know that I was 100% committed to staying sober and not even having one drink, but my reasoning behind that is tenuous. It's because last year I did 30 days sober and I'm hellbent on beating that number. I wish I could be as hellbent on staying sober forever. I'm really struggling to clear that mental hurdle and I don't think I helped matters at all by going to a bar when there was minimal peer pressure. I think part of it is that I still haven't gotten up the courage to tell any family or friends I'm trying to quit. I don't think I'd have been offered the beers had I been open with people.

Deep down, I know the reason I'm not telling anybody but SR. and my doctor is because I want to leave the door open. Arg, very frustrating.

I'm trying to see the silver lining in that I did actually enjoy the conversations I had while sober and that while I don't want to be at bars all the time, it is possible to be at one while sober.

BuddinK

You will get a few different opinions on this matter. To me , it really depends on your commitment.

I live in a town that encourages over-indulgence, and booze is never more than 20 feet away. When I stopped, I knew I couldn't be afraid of going somewhere that serves alcohol. I made it a point to make sure everyone I knew theat would be whever I went that I was no longer drinking.

However, for the first few months, I only went in anywhere when I absolutely had to, if I could avoid the bar area I would.

Now, I can go in anyplace and just order a soda first thing. But that wont work for everyone and I am not encouraging you to do things the way I did them.

I guess it comes down to, how committed are you to staying sober, and can you meet your friends without having for it to be at a bar? If the cravings are still there, it's best to stay away.

thomas11

If you felt comfortable in your own skin, you did well in my book. you should be proud of yourself, not beating yourself up over it. BTW, what game and who won?

Carlotta

There is a very good thread going on right now. Lots of excellent feedback from people with some time under their belt there. Maybe it will help you figure things out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newcomers.html

Lance40

Congrats on 23 days and a great job on not drinking. I think I get where you're coming from. There are times that I have felt my sobriety was compromised even though I didn't drink. It's more of a mental thing. My advice would be not to be too hard on yourself and just use it as a learning experience to be more sensitive and careful when you are in situations where you have that gut feeling about what you should or shouldn't be doing.

Soberwolf

In early sobriety i would stay away from bars pubs etc the risk of relapse is extremly high

Congrats on 23 days thats amazing your a week away from your first month

I always favor building sober muscles over going to drinking establishments

KateL

You did great. I always drink soda and line - it's nice xxxx

Venecia

NYMets, you got through it sober. Kudos on that accomplishment!

That said, I think it's wise to remember the adage we hear from time to time on SR: "Go to a barber shop and sooner or later you'll get a haircut."

Your sobriety is young and needs careful tending. My two cents: Stay away from bars and drinking for a while. Next time, you may not feel as strong. So don't let there be a next time. Meet your friends at the game and cheer on your team stronger and even more solid in your sobriety.

nymets86

Carlotta, I had read that thread yesterday before I went to the bar and knew that piece of advice was on there. I think that's one of the reasons I felt like I was going down the wrong path and am beating myself up over it.

I'm also going to another game tonight and my friends are again saying we should meet up before the game.

Part of me does want to go and do the club soda and lime again and socialize with friends and just enjoy talking sports (other games will be on TV, so ifull attention won't be on drinking). I can't lie about that desire. Being totally honest, I'm also 100% confident that if I go to the bar today, I won't drink. This is just Day 24 and I'm deadest on beating last year's record. The problem is, I know I am playing with fire by inserting myself in that situation.

I know I'm ignoring advice and I'm setting myself up for possible future failure. The thing is, I'm 29 and meeting up at a bar before a game is so commonplace. Last weekend, I did not attend a party at a bar since I had no idea how long that would last and the focus was going to be on drinking. There is a slight difference with this situation in that everyone leaves the bar at a set time to go to the game.

Ugh, this is tough. Maybe I'm getting overconfident in my ability to say no. I mean, I was beating myself up for last night and I'm seriously considering doing it again?!?! Maybe it's my AV just trying to get me back into the bar to grease the wheels. But I hope it's just my desire to live a normal/social life. I'm not setting out to "test" myself to see that I can stay sober at a bar. I really just don't want to become a hermit.

HeartsAfire

You sound like a very introspective and self-aware person. I've been impressed with your honesty and the way that you're not shying away from those innermost thoughts (regardless of how unpopular they may be on a sober website). I think as long as you keep voicing ALL of your thoughts you're on the right track. Keep processing and acknowledging your feelings. More than anything, keep talking. Don't let your AV try to muzzle or rationalize away what you know is TRUTH.

I'm glad you're here. Stay with us, please.

nymets86

Ok, I'm planning out some activities now to keep me occupied today before the game starts. I just saw everyone yesterday and don't see why it would be all that weird to meet them at the game today.

I still can't say for certain that I won't go to the bar, but I'm really trying to play the tape forward and think about how bad it could turnout. If not today, then down the road.

I already have work event at a bar next Thursday that since I'm in sales and lots of clients will be there, is something I can't miss. I certainly don't want to be telling my boss I have a drinking problem, but I've already been working on saying why I need to arrive a little late at that event. By then, I think people will be a few beers deep and I can just order my club soda without people really noticing and then make the rounds and networki for an hour or so and then do an Irish exit (while sober)

doggonecarl

No one suggested you remove yourself from society. And missing a meet up at a bar before a game doesn't make you a hermit.

But that you think that sobriety is removing you from "normal" life is your AV, especially since it's telling you "normal" means a bar, with alcohol and drinking.

When you accumulate enough sober time you'll know when you are ready to engage around alcohol. It will be when you stop having mental battles about it.

Frankly, a couple hours in a bar with drinkers sounds tedious, but that's me.

Venecia

HeartsAfire is a wise, insightful friend on this site. She's right. You are introspective.

Use the power of your introspection to do the next right thing. I think that this early, overconfidence is a good threat to identify and you've done just that.

A sober life doesn't have to be a hermit's life. There's plenty of fun to be had, just not with alcohol. Meet your friends at the game and go Mets!

strategery

NYmets- You acknowledge you're playing with fire, yet you're considering doing it again. While you say you're not setting out to test yourself at a bar, that is exactly what you're doing. I do think your AV is trying to get you into the bar. You even acknowledged you didn't want to go to the bar before the game last night, but did it any ways. You need to do what is best for you and not your friends.

Please don't beat yourself up on the decision you made to go to the bar. It's done. You're still sober. Advice is just that....advice. You can take it or leave it. However, continuing to put yourself into that kind of environment is not good. While it may work out sometimes to put yourself in those environments, it won't always be that way. I think your AV is working you, "see? You were able to stay sober last night at the bar. You've got this! Let's go to the bar"

nymets86

Thanks everyone. I'm definitely starting to learn that sobriety/recovery isn't just as simple as not drinking. My mind is still wandering all over the place. I'm not really debating the drinking aspect as I know I can stay sober at a bar. It's really just getting over the fact that going to the game and only the game will be plenty of fun. I don't need to hang out at the bar beforehand. It seems like my AV just getting me back into the bar.

The peer pressure is getting to me a bit (some people I haven't seen in a year will be there), and yeah, just in general, it's such a common habit to go to a bar before heading into the arena.

Axiom

I think you're doing a great job. Keep taking that "temperature".

Just a quick comment on perspective:
You aren't trying to quit. You have quit, for 23 days. You are trying to stay quit.

least

I think I'd err on the side of caution for a while yet and not meet up in a bar until you've got more sober time. All the mental haggling you're doing is showing you that you're not comfortable there. Maybe just don't go to bars until you've gotten more secure in your sobriety.

Weasel1966

I did this quite a few times while trying to stop. I wanted to give the finger to my addictions by saying that I was in control. I could be normal and get away with it.

We both know it's AV pretending to look the other way until you have gained confidence in hanging at bars while losing your confidence in staying sober at bars.

And I agree with what you said last. Living sober is not about just not drinking.

Good work at trying to understand and learn. Really good for you!