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Wish depression had an off switch...

Old 03-13-2015, 05:51 PM
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Wish depression had an off switch...

I really do.
Friday the 13th here has been a bad day from start to finish.

As some of you know, I'm nearly 3 weeks sober after relapsing, had been sober since July last year until recently.
After a few months sober and before my relapse I saw my doctor as I couldn't sleep at night, suffering from anxiety and generally feeling pretty awful.

As I said to my doc, I thought it should get better with sober time but my sleeping just got worse. I had some pretty bad neuropathic pain in feet and lower legs which was attributed to alcoholic damage to nerves after so long drinking ( I hammered it pretty hard for the last 15 years or so).

Was given gabapentin and amitriptylene which just made me feel like a zombie.

Now on mirtazapine as an antidepressant but have huge mood swings and today I felt the darkness closing in for no apparent reason, but couldn't stop it.

Argued with my partner for no particular reason but she ended up in tears and rightly upset, I was being awful.

Can't face being around anyone and I'm just so glad that her and the kids are in bed, and I get some time to myself. If it wasn't for worrying about how my partner and the kids would feel, I could quite happily just take myself off somewhere for a few days. I never did a residential detox as I didn't want the disruption at home but I can't help feeling I've bitten off more than I can chew with sobriety.

I've gone this far with very little support, can't even get to an AA meeting due to kids and work.

My partner doesn't appreciate how hard I fight this, all day every day... I can't expect her to but she seems to be under the impression that once you stop drinking, you're better and it's all fixed. Doesnt work like that for me...

I just feel so low and can't seem to get out of the rut.

Sorry for the long post, need to vent and I feel so trapped.
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Old 03-13-2015, 06:04 PM
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Hang in there things have went right & wrong for me today aswell have you spoke to a dr about this
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Old 03-13-2015, 06:08 PM
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No not been in touch with doc yet. I plan on making an appointment on monday as the surgery is closed over the weekend.

My experience with doctors has not been particularly positive, most of the docs are well out of their depth dealing with alcoholism and there's one female doc who bejaves as if she's actually scared of me, even though I'm crying out for help...

They are limited in what they are prepared to prescribe due to my "addictive personality".

I'd kill for a good night's sleep with no nightmares and no waking up for no reason.
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Old 03-13-2015, 07:33 PM
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I felt at rock bottom around 3-4 weeks. Sleeping is a challenge for me as well. I have chosen to do this as naturally as possible. I have good nights and bad ones. At three weeks they were mostly very bad.

There could be some kindling going on with you. I know that each time I try to quit, it has gotten progressively more difficult.

One step after another is all you can do. It will get much, much better.
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Old 03-13-2015, 07:40 PM
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Ya I have the same problem I just get in a mood and I just don't even know why and my girlfriend asks me what's wrong and I tell her I don't know and we argue sometimes because she really dosent understand . I'm going to the doctor for meds since I was masking my depression with drinking
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Old 03-13-2015, 07:44 PM
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I was the same with Dr aswell but keep the apt and see what help is avalible i found this in derby its free through the Nhs Derby Community Services | Phoenix Futures

Good luck bud
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Old 03-13-2015, 07:49 PM
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Depression is hard and so is the no sleeping thing. It's a shame she doesn't understand but some people are that way. Can't understand unless they have to go through it.
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Old 05-06-2015, 12:05 PM
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I can feel it looming again, after quite a while feeling ok suddenly this evening I have a sense of dread.

Feeling agitated and stressed for no apparent reason, short tempered and I just want to go to bed and cover my head with the quilt and hide.

I have a doctors appointment on Friday, going to ask if they can change my antidepressant or alter the dose perhaps. I know it won't last forever but it's like a monster coming over the horizon, it's a horrible feeling.
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Old 05-06-2015, 12:08 PM
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Hi NoGoingBack.

I can certainly relate to your situation and I hope you stay strong and power through this. You can do it!
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Old 05-06-2015, 12:59 PM
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Hang in there NoGoingBack!!

Glad to hear you've a Dr appt in a few days, hopefully something can be worked out!!
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Old 05-06-2015, 12:59 PM
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Good idea to talk to doctor. What are the chances of seeing a psychiatrist? They are much better at finding the right meds.

There's different meds that effect different neurotransmitters. What your on effects serotonin. Might be what you need, maybe more. Might be you need something that effects dopamine like bupropion / wellbutrin instead.

There's meds now that help with both at the same time.

The key is this...even if you can't see a psychiatrist: see your doctor every 4-6weeks until you find what works. Keeping a journal really helps too. This way you can see how the changes in meds are helping or not so you can convey your findings to your doctor who can make appropriate adjustments. The journal wil speed up the process.

There's something there that will help you. I'm sure of it. Keep going until you find the sweet spot. It takes a month for those meds to do its work, so schedule your visits accordingly.
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Old 05-06-2015, 01:04 PM
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I think talking to your dr is a really good idea.

It's also good to be prepared knowing that the feeling is looming. Maybe you can plan some things that would help you to feel better. I find music is really helpful to me.
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Old 05-06-2015, 02:07 PM
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Thanks all for your support. Knowing it's coming is a relatively new thing for me.

I've suffered from depression a long time, only recently (6 months or so) actually addressed it with doctor. I'm currently on a low dose of mirtazapine. Dr diagnosed "low mood" as opposed to depression.

I felt good for the last few days, it seems like a depressive episode is preceded by high mood for about 48 hrs prior.

Good thing is I now know that it won't last forever. Doesn't help much in the depths of a bad patch but it's something to hold on to...
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Old 05-06-2015, 02:08 PM
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Hi nogoingbk great job reaching out

Keep the apt friday but also ring a gp first thing and get an immediate apt i know friday isnt far away but if you feel off tell your Dr asap

Always good to hear from you
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Old 05-06-2015, 02:11 PM
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Not trying to diagnose here, but with your moods shifting from high to low and back... could be something else besides depression. You might want to ask your doctor about that.
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Old 05-06-2015, 03:31 PM
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I know that feeling too - I'm glad you're seeing the Dr - I hope it will help NGB

D
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