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Old 03-13-2015, 08:09 AM
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help

I keep slipping up! I'm in LA for work, stayed sober the first night but last night I had "one" beer and then... I went to bed at 4am. eating fast food miles from my hotel on the sidewalk of a street in a shady town. I have an 10 hour work day ahead of me, standing and tLking to people all day. feel like death. not only physically but mentally.

help

I come here and I post, and I feel better. I'll stop drinking for a week then BAM.

how can I change? I'm scared to go to AA. I am scared to admit my problem but I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.

I don't want to upset anyone for complaining on here and posting the same thing over and over but I don't know where else to go. I wish I could go to sleep instead of to work... just want to push away these feelings of guilt and inadequacy!

thank you all so much for any encouragement.
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by scaredofchange View Post
how can I change?
By doing different things than you have done in the past. Simple, but not easy.

You might consider starting by listing the things your ARE willing to do to get sober and live a sober life instead of the things you are NOT willing to do.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:13 AM
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My head isn't great at the moment either so I don't want to give you bad advice,
But do keep trying, you will get there. I was scared to go to AA too, terrified, but I loved it immediately. You never have to go back if you don't like it, so why not try?
I hope you feel better for your long day
And by the way, post here all you want you're not upsetting anyone I'm sure
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:15 AM
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thank you
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:16 AM
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If it weren't for people coming back over and over again about the same thing, there wouldn't be very many of us here. So you fit right in.
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:21 AM
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thank you! have you guys ever felt worthless? like you are upsetting everyone around you? even if they don't know it? I'm a shell of a man 😕
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:21 AM
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Originally Posted by scaredofchange View Post
how can I change? I'm scared to go to AA. I am scared to admit my problem but I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.
You login name says is all. Scared of change. Yet, to repeat a old recovery cliche, nothing changes if nothing changes.

You can wait until you lose the fear of change, or make the change even though you are afraid of it. I vote for #2. It's easier to overcome fear than wait for it to turn to courage.
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:25 AM
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well put! appreciate your support!
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:42 AM
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((((scared)))). I can feel your pain.

Is there a meeting in LA you can get to tonight; I realize that it is a big step for you but it could be time to step out of your comfort zone - not easy, I know, but vital, perhaps.

If you can't get to a meeting, I hope you can end your business day, pick up some healthy food, and head straight back to your hotel and get some much needed sleep. (If there is a mini-bar in your room, maybe you can call ahead and ask the staff to empty it before your return). You won't be the first one to make such a request.

We are with you, scared, and solidly in your corner.

It's going to be okay, I promise.
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:57 AM
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thank you!!!!! unfortunately with work im stuck having to do dinner and all those business type things for the day. can't wait to sleep when I get home tomorrow! as far as the mini bar, I won't touch it 100%. my alcoholism is more of a "when I drink, I drink TOO much and don't stop" rather than drinking every day. I'm lucky and not lucky in that respect. at breakfast now. food save me!
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Old 03-13-2015, 09:59 AM
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food helped in the moment but my mind is still all over. I hate myself so much right now!!!!! ughhhhhhhhh WHY!!!? Why do I continue to do this!?!?
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Old 03-13-2015, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by scaredofchange View Post
as far as the mini bar, I won't touch it 100%. my alcoholism is more of a "when I drink, I drink TOO much and don't stop" rather than drinking every day. I'm lucky and not lucky in that respect
I feel the same way. It's not hard, in fact it's normal, for me to go several days without drinking and while I've gotten all the vodka/beer out of my house, I have a bottle of red wine and some bourbon lying around that don't tempt me at all. They're both stuff my brother left at my apartment and he stays with me when he's in town and will often have one small glass of bourbon in the evenings.

Anyway, those business conferences are brutal. Even worse for me when it's just me and none of my co-workers, so I don't have to worry about embarassing myself in front of people I work with every day. But I wind up getting hammered and will be so embarrassed I won't even go to the 2nd day of the conference and will basicaly wind up wasting my company's money for even sending me.
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Old 03-13-2015, 10:12 AM
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Im very sorry to hear that you can relate but it makes me feel less alone! thanks for replying to this thread!! they are all going to go out tonight and I'm definitly not!!!!

any advice for dealing with the guilt? the shame? my mind is a mess ;(
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Old 03-13-2015, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by scaredofchange View Post
any advice for dealing with the guilt? the shame? my mind is a mess ;(
Guilt and shame are RESULTS of actions, and are not something you can change or "deal" with. You can deal with the cause of the guilt and shame though, which is drinking. And you can eliminate any further shame or guilt moving forward - which is exactly how you deal with it. Even just one day sober proves through action on your part that you are making positive change. You cannot change what you have done or how you feel about it any more than you can change what the weather was like yesterday.

So look forward...and figure out a plan so you wont' drink today. Because with each day you dont drink, things get better.
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Old 03-13-2015, 10:26 AM
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The shame and guilt suck. It's why I'm trying to get sober and am at 23 days now.

I think just take a deep breath and realize that you aren't the center of the universe and while maybe you were a bit annoying to be around last night, most people probably already forgot about it and are worrying about their own lives.

With that said, before I pick up a drink, I want to remind myself how crappy the shame/embarassment/guilt feel the next day. It's just not worth drinking if that's how I'll feel the next day.

You might feel like crap right now. But you don't ever have to feel like this again if you don't pick up the booze. It's kind of nice knowing that! It's hard to think of life never drinking again. But think of never feeling hungover and ashamed again? Sign me up!
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Old 03-13-2015, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by scaredofchange View Post
WHY!!!? Why do I continue to do this!?!?
I did it because I was addicted to alcohol and I didn't know how to deal with the constant argument in my head over whether or not to drink. I would often drink just to make the argument I was having with myself about drinking stop. That worked within a few minutes and for a few hours, but had horrific negative side effects.

The other thing I've tried to stop the fight in my head is starving that voice arguing for another drink. While that method took a few months to work it lasts for as long as I don't drink and has had wonderful positive side effects.
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Old 03-13-2015, 11:07 AM
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thank you all so much!!!!
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Old 05-17-2015, 05:29 PM
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I just reread all of your comments from this rough time in my journey. It is still helpful and i just wanted to say thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.
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Old 05-17-2015, 05:34 PM
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Old 05-17-2015, 05:49 PM
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I'm binge drinking about once a week on average...sometimes once every 2-3 weeks. But when i do, I'll usually blackout a bit and feel really bad about it the next day. I'm just trying to be more aware of it and work on it. For instance last night i played a gig and drank water up until we started while the rest of the band was already drinking. I was proud of taking that responsibility. I must admit though, when i was on stage and nerves were playing a role...i began sippin regularly on some light beers. I didn't blackout last night but im sure i could have easily if i had started earlier. I'm really in between right now with wondering if i can control this or if i have to stop 100%. I know that answer is probably easy for someone reading this but its a battle in my head... Hence why im here.

Thanks for reading!
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