AnotherLife

Where to start?

I've been a problem drinker for thirty years, a real alcoholic for most of those.

I cannot continue, life is a sad procession of ever decreasing circles.

My daughter's birthday today, I got her to school still steaming from last night.

I am lying to myself and everyone else.

In the last 18 months I've made a series of miserably short stabs at sobriety, in the last year, 4 days is the record.

I've put myself in a situation where I now have the time to treat recovery like a job, and instead of getting better, things are getting steadily worse.

There are meetings close by that run everyday, but I feel that for now that door is closed - they think I'm taking the mickey - but in reality I'm desperate.

I'm going to a new meeting after work, having spoke to a guy on the helpline.

If the story of my own drinking isn't enough to keep me sober, I'm really concerned that I am one of those who just can't get it.

Right now, I can't concentrate to read, but I've been listening to AA speakers this morning. The one guy was really good, and told a story that I connected to - one foot in and one foot out. He said that it was committing to getting spiritually well that finally led to his breakthrough. He said drink was never the problem, but his spiritual sickness.

He also said, in the days before he got well that he didn't want to pray, because he didn't want God to know where he was. I can relate to that!

I've had some bad experiences recently - my wife had affairs and we divorced last year. The obsession with this has driven me half mad. I think indignation has stopped me from coming to terms with the truth about myself - I'd cheated on her by making the bottle my lover.

I have smashed every relationship I've ever had, and I've always had a reason why every one else is a bast..d. But it was me wasn't it? They just retaliated.

Others seem to have a burning desire to get well, I haven't got the energy. I can't carry on and I can't stop. It's hell.

What do you do when you've read the book and the 12 and 12, and it's not working?

It's great that there's a site like this.

Unrelated - what plug-in is missing for the chat room to work?

Many thanks.

strategery

Welcome anotherlife! I'm glad you're here.

You'll find here that there are many other types of recovery options other than AA (e.g. AVRT) here on the board, so if AA isn't working for you, there may be other recovery methods that may work better for you.

Have you ever considered inpatient or outpatient rehab? Sometimes those options can be immensely helpful.

In terms of chat, you need java to run chat.

GroundhogDay

I agree that getting right spiritually is an important part of recovery. For me, that meant joining a local group of like-minded people for support (not AA). However, in early recovery, the AV tried to get me to drink in spite of that. So, I recommend you don't make a spiritual transformation a prerequisite for getting sober since I think some sober time is a prerequisite to spiritual recovery.

I hope I didn't wander off topic too far. If AA isn't working for you, please find another group. It's important to have the support of others.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. If you commit to sobriety you will see your life turn around.

When you are actively drinking it's hard to see the way out. But you came here, joined, and posted. You want to get sober. That's the start. Don't let your addictions ambivalence sway your rational decision to get better.

Reading the Big Book and 12 and 12 isn't working the program. For AA to work, find a meeting, get a sponsor, and work the steps like your life depends on it...cause it does.

Good luck.

AnotherLife

Thanks guys!

That makes sense Groundhogday. I know it won't happen overnight, and staying sober is the start I guess.

I'm scared to tell my doctor, because I'm scared of losing my kid.That's the real crunch.

JD4010

I could have written almost the same post, AnotherLife. I got divorced last year, too. Although I'm an agnostic, I recognize that I was/am spiritually ill. I'm working on that, as I work on sobriety.

Best wishes!

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, AnotherLife; glad you found us.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Anotherlife!!

Soberwolf

Welcome anotherlife

ardy

AnotherLife.. what a great handle.. you can do it kiddo you just have to want it and are willing to stop the bad behavior and find that new you .. you can we believe in you.. ardy

Anna

I think you can try a different approach. Have you tried SMART or AVRT or have you thought about a therapist, or using SR as a lifeline? Have you read any books on spirituality and how to live a peaceful life? How about exercising and starting new hobbies in your life? Those things matter because, I believe that balance is important in recovery.

You do what you need to do.

Trees39

I do find that when you work on the demons that drive you to drink you can challenge the 'need' to drink.
As you get more peace, your life starts to settle down. We need to make drinking irrelevant.

AnotherLife

Thank you! For some helpful encouragement and advise.

Dogonecarl - "Don't let your addictions ambivalence sway your rational decision to get better."

I think that's it - of course my addiction is working against recovery.

JD4010 - I'm an atheist, that makes prayer feel like talking to myself.

From the suggestions here, I have starting looking into AVRT.

Good meeting tonight - some people there that I know and have genuine affection for.

I also think I may have found a sponsor, a nice guy from previous encounters and from other people's view.

He's an atheist, 30 years sober and good AA.

I'm going to grab some food and carry on with AVRT.

Man, I love this forum already!

Hevyn

Welcome AnotherLife! I was in the same situation when I came to SR. The encouragement and hope I found here made me realize I wasn't alone.

I drank 30 yrs. too. It was part of every thing I did - I never imagined myself living without it. In the end it was never fun or relaxing anymore - I have no idea why I clung to something that made me miserable. Glad to have you with us - you can get free.