landminesgirl

Ever since I quit drinking about 9 months ago, I no longer go out. Aside from an occasional date night with my husband - I haven't been out with girl friends at all. Not because I don't think I could handle hanging out while they're drinking but because it doesn't appeal to me any more. Recently I heard that a friend (I use the term loosely if she's talking behind my back) is saying that I'm anti-social. Maybe I am, but it's my new sober life. My family. My work (I'm a pt and fitness instructor, tired all the time). Early bed times. Anyway, new and different me. But I wonder if I should try a little harder to be social? I guess that's something only I can answer but wondering if anyone else faces something similar?

ReadyAtLast

Maybe these were just drinking buddies. Since i got sober I don't really want to go out for drinks. Like you, not that I couldn't deal with it but I can just think of better things to do than hang round pubs. Maybe suggest meeting in a coffee shop for lunch or a spa day. You will soon see if they really want to be friends or they are just drinking buddies.

I think we naturally move away from drinkers and develop new habits and new friends. Today I had friends round for Afternoon Tea 5 years ago with old friends we would have been drinking wine. Today we tried different teas.

Don't let others force you to 'feel' a certain way. Congrats on 9 months sober btw

Sisterbobby

so what what they say...do not let it bother you. If you want to go out and social with them, do it, changing your drink order is easy...

DoubleFelix

Hey landminesgirl.

This is something I've been thinking about/dealing with too at 8 months sober.

It seems like early sobriety can be a period of great change in a relatively short amount of time. This makes sense - most of us have to change our lives and ourselves in pretty big ways in order to remain sober. It seems like this is just one way you've changed.

The main thing I try to be mindful about is if I don't feel like going out or if I am isolating. Usually I can tell one from the other pretty easily - isolating has this dark, depressive feel about it that spending time quietly at home simply for the sake of doing it does not.

So I don't think you should feel compelled to be more or less social as long as you're happy with how things are going. Everybody's social life is different, right? I understand the feeling though - sometimes I feel sorta bad about not being social "enough", but what the heck does that even mean? There's no quota to fill here.

And as far as not wanting to hang out with a friend that takes behind your back - good call. Quality over quantity is definitely the way to go with friends. Maybe soon you will meet some new friends and feel more encouraged to hang out with them.

Soberwolf

What others think of me is none of my business i had to let a lot of 'friends' go in sobriety as they were not friends at all

Wishing you luck

Dave36

Do what makes you happy. Who cares what other people think. Maybe youre just a sober adult now,that tends to happen. Grownups tend to not go out every night. Who cares if you are anti-social anyway. I think your priorities are just about right.

Hawks

It's been the same for me.

I'd rather read a book than sit at a table with people who love to gossip and cackle and get drunk.

Especially when they start the gossip about whoever is not there.

Can't believe I used to think that was really good way to pass the time.

iiiiiiiicccckkkk

MIRecovery

I use AA for many things and one of them is social. I have so many wonderful friends in the fellowship. My sponsor taught me that isolation is alcohols best friend so I use AA to stay connected to the human race.

Justincredible

I co-sign this statement!

Ruby2

I don't go out much. I'm happy with that. It sounds like you are satisfied with your life. If things change, you may want to socialize more. In the meanwhile, ditto on what other people say. You don't need to force yourself to socialize to accommodate these "friends".

BlindsidedBetty

I need my solitude now much more than I did. I can't explain it, and that causes hurt feelings, but it "is what it is." I have a very needy girlfriend who has taken this personally. You definitely will notice levels of maturity, or lack thereof, in your friends when on your sober journey.

Aellyce

People are very different in terms of their need of social life, both quantitatively and qualitatively. I think it's pretty irrelevant and unhelpful to try to compare ourselves to others in this sense and define attitudes that are right or wrong. Do what is best for you and supports your recovery best. For me, I've definitely become much more social sober compared with the self-imposed (and quite destructive) isolation I lived in at the end of my drinking, and my needs in this regard have also increased. But I never was a social butterfly, and never will be, I'm much happier with a few close friends and with opportunities to reach out when needed about specific issues than a big social life. Happy with my space and my own company.

Just be yourself and don't worry what others think. Try to find a reasonable compromise/agreement with husband, maybe some close family members and friends, but don't get bothered by the opinions of people you have superficial relationships with.

Jdvivre

Hi landminesgirl,

I struggle with this too - I used to be very social and since not drinking a lot of people feel a bit like I've abandoned them. I found that feet few of my "bar friends" we're too concerned but the other, better friends who felt this way made me feel terrible. As a solution? Brunch! My friends think I'm crazy with my strict routine and rules but it's our commitment. So, we have to let them know compromises must me made. IF these are good friends, they'll understand and be willing to socialize with you in a non drinking environment.

I've learnt lots of things count as socializing, that don't involve tempting sotutstions: yoga classes, brunch, even Skype! (For me, anyway). You can make something work if you're looking to rekindle those friendships.

I hope it doesn't get you too down. Sending love and strength x

landminesgirl

Thanks all! You know what's interesting? I was defining being social as going out and including alcohol. Thanks to the insight that AA is social. I actually have many social interactions with restore (like AA) and my church life group. I think I was feeling low about a circle of "friends" who are in a run club I lead at my gym. Their catty and gossipy and not at all what I here in my life right now. Thanks all!

Alynn

Sounds like a good plan with lifegroup and AA. These will be the true friends!

KateL

Not all my friends are boozers. I took a while out but now I can go to venues where drink is aorund to watch music and such. It gets easier but takes some time xxx

Tang

Reality is, someone is always talking behind your back. Whether sober or drinking, humans love to gossip. I work with people who make money off of gossip. I see the worst of the worst. My advice to you is let it roll off your back. Water off a ducks feathers. Be true to yourself and ultimately more people will respect you than dissent from you.