My truth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
My truth
Hello to all those people who helped me along my way. I've been a member of SR for 3 years and have sought help at one time or another from almost every forum I think. I have been a regular member of the mental health, anxiety and 12 step forums in particular. I got sober in May 2012 and remained happily so until this past Christmas.
Things started to wrong for me during a difficult time personally...lots of changes, a bereavement etc etc. Not really excuses...I chose to drink plain and simple.
Thing is, alcoholism is a strong and powerful opponent. It wormed it's way in and before I knew it, I was getting further and further away from the woman I used to be. I used to be happy, clear headed and free from that gut wrenching anxiety. Now, I am obsessed with drinking, I manipulate people and situations in order to drink. I lie to those closest to me. I told everyone I had stopped but I hadn't.
I'm re-working the steps and have just come clean to my sponsor about the fact that I started drinking over Christmas and hadn't stopped until last week.
Alcohol makes me someone I don't like. I disgust myself. I am ashamed.
So here I am, yet again. This is my truth. I've lots of support and I'm going to need it. No more lies or hiding in the shadows. If I don't manage it this time, I think I'm going to be in big trouble.
Glad to be here with you all xxx
Things started to wrong for me during a difficult time personally...lots of changes, a bereavement etc etc. Not really excuses...I chose to drink plain and simple.
Thing is, alcoholism is a strong and powerful opponent. It wormed it's way in and before I knew it, I was getting further and further away from the woman I used to be. I used to be happy, clear headed and free from that gut wrenching anxiety. Now, I am obsessed with drinking, I manipulate people and situations in order to drink. I lie to those closest to me. I told everyone I had stopped but I hadn't.
I'm re-working the steps and have just come clean to my sponsor about the fact that I started drinking over Christmas and hadn't stopped until last week.
Alcohol makes me someone I don't like. I disgust myself. I am ashamed.
So here I am, yet again. This is my truth. I've lots of support and I'm going to need it. No more lies or hiding in the shadows. If I don't manage it this time, I think I'm going to be in big trouble.
Glad to be here with you all xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and good on ya.
For many it’s real tough coming back AND being honest with ourselves. I don’t think I have another recovery in me after a lot of years in recovery. I wish you well and hope you recover the lost momentum of sobriety.
BE WELL
For many it’s real tough coming back AND being honest with ourselves. I don’t think I have another recovery in me after a lot of years in recovery. I wish you well and hope you recover the lost momentum of sobriety.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I miss you Jeni.
I often go 'into hiding in my cave' when things get a bit much for me.
I have to be dragged out kicking and screaming sometimes.
I understand you probably need a bit of thinking space.
Just always remember we are here whenever you need us yep?
I often go 'into hiding in my cave' when things get a bit much for me.
I have to be dragged out kicking and screaming sometimes.
I understand you probably need a bit of thinking space.
Just always remember we are here whenever you need us yep?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Wow, Jeni. You said everything I have been going through and what I have put others through.
I suck. I suck and I suck it down.
I am ashamed of the lies and the pretending. I have tried so many ways to stay sober except for the simple (but difficult) act not drinking.
I suck. I suck and I suck it down.
I am ashamed of the lies and the pretending. I have tried so many ways to stay sober except for the simple (but difficult) act not drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Jeni, I could be reading this wrong, but your said "if I don't manage it this time, I'm in trouble" or something to that effect. Do you mean managing your alcohol consumption? Either way, you've been through this before it sounds, and you can do it again. I understand wanting to be very hard on yourself, but you don't have to be. Take that energy that you want to direct at yourself and point it at sobriety. Use this site to your advantage. The way I see it, you are not totally lost, you just took a wrong turn. You know how to get back on track. I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks everyone. This means so much. I feel really determined but I fear this isn't going to be easy.
Posting the truth here felt hard to do but I need to start getting real and I need to get honest.
Solid sobriety feels so good and I want it back.
Posting the truth here felt hard to do but I need to start getting real and I need to get honest.
Solid sobriety feels so good and I want it back.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Good to see you, Jeni. Stick close. You have nothing to gain by lying. Alcohol is a dead end. You have a higher calling than to manipulate people into letting you drink. Your life need not be so narrow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,021
Jeni
It must be tough to come back but you've done that ! Dont give up, keep trying and you have not failed. We all know that its just one small step at a time with lots and lots of support...which you have here !
It must be tough to come back but you've done that ! Dont give up, keep trying and you have not failed. We all know that its just one small step at a time with lots and lots of support...which you have here !
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