Looking for help
uncertain future
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: alabama
Posts: 5
Looking for help
Hey everyone,
This is going to be long and a lot of information. I apologize. First let me start out by saying I love my husband. He is the other half of me. I have known him for 12 years. We were best friends for 9 of those and have been together for 3, married for 2 in may. I will call him B. He was always a heavy drinker. He is hot headed when drunk so many nights before him and I got together I would get phone calls from him being drunk and telling me how his girl friend at the time "did him wrong". It was never a problem for me to calm him down, and make him see the other side. Well after him and I got together the drinking became a big problem to me. It wasnt that he was drinking more but that I was now dealing with it and not just on the other end of the phone. Almost 3 years ago we got in a huge argument. It was bad, never physical but bad!! It ended with me getting my two kids up at 4:00am and us leaving. His 8 year old daughter got woken up and saw most of the fight. There is a lot more to it than that but that's the short story. We split up and I moved out. After time had past and we had talked A LOT about everything that happened we decided to give it another try. Everything was good for a while then his ex wife (mother of is first daughter) decided to fight him for custody. It's gotten very ugly between the two for them and through this case she has done some really ugly mean hateful things to him and used their daughter to do some of them. Through it all we were still going strong, we got married, had a baby girl, life was good. Until June 22 of last year. We had been arguing for a couple of nights, then that night through both of our actions in got BAD. He woke our then 1 month premature daughter up at 2:00am screaming and slamming doors. I packed her up and was leaving the house. He tried to stop me by slashing my tires on my car with us in it. When I still was trying to leave he shut the garage on the trunk of my car. I called my sister to come get us got our daughter out of the car and waited for them outside. He came out and tried to forcefully take the car seat out of my hands. I got dragged by the car seat into the house. While the tug of war was happening I look down and see our 4 1/2 lb babies neck going from side to side with every pull. I called the cops and he was arrested. I paid his bail and he got out the next day. He left the house for a while and decided he needed to quit drinking. He had already been to AA, Rehabs, NA ect. in his past so he "knew" what they told you to do. He quit drinking cold turkey. He was having terrible withdraws from alcohol. I made him come back to the house and stay in the guest bed room while he was detoxing so I could monitor him since he wouldn't go to the hospital. He was sober for close to 6 months. He went out of town for work and drank. It was a huge fight because I want nothing to do with him if he is drinking. He came home and didn't drink. 3 more months went by he wenr out of town again and drank again. I again told him I wasn't sticking around him drinking. HE quit again until last- night. He took a new job and had to leave to go to NJ for training. He was doing great we talked about him not drinking a lot, I told him to call me if he felt like he wanted to drink ect. His job surprized them with a short trip to NY City. I asked him if he was worried about drinking he said no that there were 4 other guys that didn't drink so he would be fine. I didn't hear from him for a while so I text him and asked how NY was and how the not drinking went. I asked him if it was hard......This is what he texted back
"I drank in New York
I apologize if that upsets you. I didn't do it with the intention of upsetting you . I choose not to drink because our life is better when I don't drink. I choose not to drink because I want to be the best I can be for you, Baylee (our daughter), and the boys.I told you I wouldn't drink tonight, and I apologize for that situation changing. I truly apologize for letting you down.
I love you
I drank tonight. I bought a 6 pack as well.
I'll finish that 6 pack tomorrow. I'll climb on a plane Friday I'll arrive to my car eventually. I'll drive home. And when I get home, I won't drink. I won't detox. I won't do anything other than be as happy as possible that I get to see my baby daughter and hold my wife.
I have 100% realized that my life is the best it could possibly be because of you.
The only way to offer you the same, is if I'm sober. Please understand that I love you and that for the first time in my life I am happier not drinking, that I am drinking.
I love you"
What am I suppose to feel?
Because what I want to do is pack us up and be gone before he gets home. I am so hurt. I have lost all trust I had work so hard to put back in him. I feel crushed. For the first time ever I want nothing to do with my husband. I son't want to talk about it, I don't want to even be in the same house as him much less in the same bed. I don't know what to do. I was up all night crying. I need another point of view. It's not ok that when he goes out of town he drinks. It's not okay that he knows what it does to me, what it's done to our life and still he does it. I am so lost right now. My head is spinning in so many different directions.
Help!!!
This is going to be long and a lot of information. I apologize. First let me start out by saying I love my husband. He is the other half of me. I have known him for 12 years. We were best friends for 9 of those and have been together for 3, married for 2 in may. I will call him B. He was always a heavy drinker. He is hot headed when drunk so many nights before him and I got together I would get phone calls from him being drunk and telling me how his girl friend at the time "did him wrong". It was never a problem for me to calm him down, and make him see the other side. Well after him and I got together the drinking became a big problem to me. It wasnt that he was drinking more but that I was now dealing with it and not just on the other end of the phone. Almost 3 years ago we got in a huge argument. It was bad, never physical but bad!! It ended with me getting my two kids up at 4:00am and us leaving. His 8 year old daughter got woken up and saw most of the fight. There is a lot more to it than that but that's the short story. We split up and I moved out. After time had past and we had talked A LOT about everything that happened we decided to give it another try. Everything was good for a while then his ex wife (mother of is first daughter) decided to fight him for custody. It's gotten very ugly between the two for them and through this case she has done some really ugly mean hateful things to him and used their daughter to do some of them. Through it all we were still going strong, we got married, had a baby girl, life was good. Until June 22 of last year. We had been arguing for a couple of nights, then that night through both of our actions in got BAD. He woke our then 1 month premature daughter up at 2:00am screaming and slamming doors. I packed her up and was leaving the house. He tried to stop me by slashing my tires on my car with us in it. When I still was trying to leave he shut the garage on the trunk of my car. I called my sister to come get us got our daughter out of the car and waited for them outside. He came out and tried to forcefully take the car seat out of my hands. I got dragged by the car seat into the house. While the tug of war was happening I look down and see our 4 1/2 lb babies neck going from side to side with every pull. I called the cops and he was arrested. I paid his bail and he got out the next day. He left the house for a while and decided he needed to quit drinking. He had already been to AA, Rehabs, NA ect. in his past so he "knew" what they told you to do. He quit drinking cold turkey. He was having terrible withdraws from alcohol. I made him come back to the house and stay in the guest bed room while he was detoxing so I could monitor him since he wouldn't go to the hospital. He was sober for close to 6 months. He went out of town for work and drank. It was a huge fight because I want nothing to do with him if he is drinking. He came home and didn't drink. 3 more months went by he wenr out of town again and drank again. I again told him I wasn't sticking around him drinking. HE quit again until last- night. He took a new job and had to leave to go to NJ for training. He was doing great we talked about him not drinking a lot, I told him to call me if he felt like he wanted to drink ect. His job surprized them with a short trip to NY City. I asked him if he was worried about drinking he said no that there were 4 other guys that didn't drink so he would be fine. I didn't hear from him for a while so I text him and asked how NY was and how the not drinking went. I asked him if it was hard......This is what he texted back
"I drank in New York
I apologize if that upsets you. I didn't do it with the intention of upsetting you . I choose not to drink because our life is better when I don't drink. I choose not to drink because I want to be the best I can be for you, Baylee (our daughter), and the boys.I told you I wouldn't drink tonight, and I apologize for that situation changing. I truly apologize for letting you down.
I love you
I drank tonight. I bought a 6 pack as well.
I'll finish that 6 pack tomorrow. I'll climb on a plane Friday I'll arrive to my car eventually. I'll drive home. And when I get home, I won't drink. I won't detox. I won't do anything other than be as happy as possible that I get to see my baby daughter and hold my wife.
I have 100% realized that my life is the best it could possibly be because of you.
The only way to offer you the same, is if I'm sober. Please understand that I love you and that for the first time in my life I am happier not drinking, that I am drinking.
I love you"
What am I suppose to feel?
Because what I want to do is pack us up and be gone before he gets home. I am so hurt. I have lost all trust I had work so hard to put back in him. I feel crushed. For the first time ever I want nothing to do with my husband. I son't want to talk about it, I don't want to even be in the same house as him much less in the same bed. I don't know what to do. I was up all night crying. I need another point of view. It's not ok that when he goes out of town he drinks. It's not okay that he knows what it does to me, what it's done to our life and still he does it. I am so lost right now. My head is spinning in so many different directions.
Help!!!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome donehurting i think if you feel that strongly then leave if he is constantly doing this
You deserve so much better have you checked out our friends & family section for additional support Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think by getting away your saving yourself a lot of heartache and pain and it gives you time to have a clear mind to think
Sorry for what brings you here
You deserve so much better have you checked out our friends & family section for additional support Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think by getting away your saving yourself a lot of heartache and pain and it gives you time to have a clear mind to think
Sorry for what brings you here
uncertain future
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: alabama
Posts: 5
Soberwolf, I haven't check out that sub thread yet I am new to all of this. I have never had a addiction problem so everything is new. Thank you for your response. It's just so hard. I never wanted to get married. I was never that child that "planned her wedding at 8" Marriage to me is suppose to be a forever thing. I never want my daughter to feel like I did growing up. The hurt and pain is just so bad.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 369
Welcome. I'm sorry your going through this. Just know you're not alone. You'll find many people have the same story here. Sober wolf is right you should check out the friends and family section. You will find many people going through the same thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 73
Women assume so much responsibility for other's failure, it's what makes us great empathizers and the matriarchal glue that holds families, even dysfunctional families, together. But always know that his addiction is not your fault. You did not cause it. And only he can control it. I hope you find some peace today. Perhaps your daughter's face can give you something else to focus on when you need a breather. Exhale. This forum, and the Friends & Family forum, are filled with folks that WANT to be here for you. Read and absorb as much as you can. It's sometimes easier to see yourself in other's stories, and that's where we can make the most progress, I think.
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Welcome to SR- DH!!
I been in abusive relationships until I met my husband. Now, since I realize I am alcoholic I was the abuser in my marriage this time. I got help and its going to take time to get everything back to normal.
I been very lucky that my husband didn't leave me, we been together 15 years. He called the cops on me, he put up with my drunkenness for so long. He could have left me for so many reasons but he didn't.
I am very sorry you have to go thru this, I really understand how it feel and you can get help here and support here.
I been in abusive relationships until I met my husband. Now, since I realize I am alcoholic I was the abuser in my marriage this time. I got help and its going to take time to get everything back to normal.
I been very lucky that my husband didn't leave me, we been together 15 years. He called the cops on me, he put up with my drunkenness for so long. He could have left me for so many reasons but he didn't.
I am very sorry you have to go thru this, I really understand how it feel and you can get help here and support here.
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