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Old 03-10-2015, 12:15 PM   #1 (permalink)

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My Truth.

I think that for the majority of my life, I have struggled with the reality of facing The Truth. I've always been a runner.
I've never taken responsibility for the things I'd done up until this point.
Drinking, especially was one of the biggest factors of my life. I ran away from the truth that it was a problem, I ran from other problems and solved them by secretly feeding this addiction. Always telling myself that it was okay.. That I was okay, and as a result continued on this path of burying myself in guilt, shame and secrets.
I was living a double life. Functioning in my day to day life, hiding away taking drinks in private places and bouncing back like I had done nothing...But I was holding on to these secrets and even though I felt better for that into my addiction only made the guilt and shame that came after, last longer than anything else.
There have been many times where I've told myself I was done. That I was ready to stop and to take control of myself and my life. To be better because I knew deep down that I was. That I deserved it. I guess in all reality even though I knew that I wasn't a terrible person part of me believed I was, so I never took these thoughts seriously. Once again telling myself that it was okay to take that drink...That I was okay.. that it would eventually be okay. Years later..It never was. Nothing ever changed and I was still clinging onto that utter misery I kept allowing myself to live.
Something inside of me clicked this past year though...Like that one light bulb that wasn't working finally switched on and I could see..Everything made sense.
My tired turned into exhausted and I just didn't want to be this way anymore. I wanted to be present in my life. I wanted to wake up and not feel like letting another day pass by because I felt sick. I wanted to know what it was like to go through days and not crave alcohol. So I've been trying.
I went from drinking everyday to every other day to almost nothing.
But then I went backwards and started drinking again. I'm in a relationship now - or have been for the past 7 months and I've kept this a secret. He doesn't drink and doesn't like how I act when I do so I've kept it hidden...
Until last night. I was tired of lying, tired of not showing my whole self to someone who Loves me and is completely honest with me. So I told him everything. Every ugly bit of truth about my addiction. It's been a burden lifted off of my shoulders and I feel better knowing I don't have to do this alone. That I don't have to lie.
So, I'm back to square one. Today is day 2. Hopefully tomorrow will be day 3 and so and and so forth. I've lost too many people, too many opportunities and I've lost too much happiness and too much of myself to stop now.
Anyway, I'm here to be a part of this journey with all of you going through recovery and need support. I hope we can all do this together.
Happy Tuesday my People.

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Old 03-10-2015, 12:28 PM   #2 (permalink)

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Congrats on making the decision TLH! Hope you stick around awhile so we can hear "the rest of the story".
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Old 03-10-2015, 12:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
Almost anything can be preserved in alcohol except health, happiness, and money Mary Wilson Little
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Welcome tolivehonestly its nice to meet you
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Old 03-10-2015, 12:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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hope you hang around awhile.
You don't have to live those lies anymore!
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Old 03-10-2015, 12:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome, ToLiveHonestly, to SR. This is a very supportive and encouraging community.

Congratulations on Day 2 and your decision to lead a sober life.
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Old 03-10-2015, 01:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome to the Forum ToLiveHonestly!!
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Old 03-10-2015, 01:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Congratulations on deciding to live with your truth and to stop drinking. We do understand how hard this is.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 03-10-2015, 02:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome! Glad your here and nice to meet ya!

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TEST my TESTIMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-10-2015, 04:12 PM   #9 (permalink)

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Well done. I think you're very brave.
Onwards to day 3.
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Old 03-10-2015, 05:20 PM   #10 (permalink)

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Onwards and upwards
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Old 03-10-2015, 05:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome and thankyou for your post TLH. A lot of what you say struck a cord with my own story of hiding, being secretive but still managing to do the very functional thing during the day. I am glad you have taken some steps to begin talking with more honestly with yourself...i am trying steps maybe for us - but steps nevertheless
"Trust that still, small voice that says - This might work, and I'll try it..."

Diane Mariechild
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Old 03-10-2015, 05:25 PM   #12 (permalink)

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Welcome to the SR family
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Old 03-10-2015, 05:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hello and welcome
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