Too compassionate for my own good
 

Hello,

I've been clean for a little over a year and have made lots of friends in NA. One particular woman - I'll call her Betsy - seems to be very much like me. We both have a bit of Borderline personality disorder. We are both professionals. She has lost her license and been in jail, but I had a higher bottom, thank God. The loss of my job brought me to recovery and I've managed to cut my losses, so far. Betsy and I have become friends.

Betsy celebrated one year clean a little bit after I did, although she's been in and out of recovery for a very long time. She was living with a long-time boyfriend, but the relationship had ended, and she was just renting a room from him, but she's been grieving the loss of the relationship.

About a month ago she took a handful of his blood-pressure medicine because she wanted him to pay attention to her. That didn't work. I was very pleased when she told me she was looking for another place to live. A couple of weeks ago I helped her move into a recovery house.

This past Friday she left an NA meeting and went out and did heroin. Now the recovery house has kicked her out. She's homeless and tells me she's "just grateful she has friends in recovery who will help her." She needs a place to live.

My sponsor tells me that this is Betsy's pattern and to not open my house to her. I don't want to open my house to her, but I'm an extreme pushover. I don't know how I'll be able to say No to her.

Any advice?

Thank you!

Your sponsor is spot on - sometimes you must set boundaries in recovery and this is definitely one of those times. Allowing her to move in would be not only enabling her drug use but compromising your sobriety too.

Don't be a pushover. Tell her firmly that you cannot help her in this venture. Tell her she's got to get clean and stay clean. You do not have to involve yourself in her affairs. :)

Your sponsor is spot on. You have to put your recovery first. If you are having trouble saying no, let your sponsor guide you. When I was a kid and didn't want to do something I was being urged to do, I made my parents my heavy. Say no but if she asks for a reason tell her your sponsor says it's not a good idea.

If Betty has a pattern of doing this, don't become part of her pattern. It won't be doing her or you any favors. What if she keeps using? That stress alone is bad. I have fifteen months and am dealing with a husband in relapse and believe me that it is hard for me to just not say forget it, I'm going to drink. If it were easier to kick him out, I would do so. Betty isn't in your house. Don't let her in. It's a consequence. Think of it that way. And if she keeps having people rescue her from the consequences of her own choices she will keep doing the same thing. Your own sobriety is at stake. Say no.

You said it in the next to the last line "I don't want to open my house to her." Listen to your inner knowing. It knows!

A large part of the work of my recovery has been in learning to set boundaries. My sense of being taken advantage of or doing things I don't want to do contributed mightily to the general sense of dis-ease that led me to drink.

Stay safe. Take care of yourself first. She chose to break the rules of the recovery house & lost her place to live; solving her problem (rather than getting bailed out) is her recovery to do...

You know what is the right thing to do here.

Welcome hurryspring its nice to meet you

The only thing you need to know is that Betsy just got kicked out of a recovery house.

You can support her all you like, but you don't have to live with her.

Welcome to the forum Hurryspring!! :wave:

Thanks everyone for the advice and warm welcome. I do believe in listening to my inner voice - the one that doesn't want to open my home to Betsy - but there's another voice that tells me I should be supporting my friend, and that I'm being selfish. She's a very sweet person and loved by all.
I called another friend today who has known Betsy since she started NA about 15 years ago. He told me that she didn't make a conscious choice to relapse, that it is her disease that made her do it. That her disease doesn't care that she just moved into a recovery house where they drug test her everyday. That made me feel guilty for not wanting to help her. I know it's harder for some people than for others, especially when the DOC is heroin.
All that being said, am I guarding my recovery by not giving her a place to stay or am I being selfish? Sorry if I'm being redundant. I'm only 15 months into recovery and don't make decisions very well yet. Thanks for any feedback!

Your not being selfish everyone makes a choice whether they relapse or not this is 5000% not your fault

I wish the very best for your friend just keep porotecting your sobriety and congrats on 15 months thats fantastic

Even though we are addicts and alcoholics, we DO have a choice about taking the first drink or first drug. Yes, after that our addictive tendencies may overwhelm our choice-making, but there would be no one with successful sobriety if we didn't have a choice at all...

I believe you are guarding your recovery (and your space and your valuables and your safety). In sobriety, I don't let using heroin addicts live in my house, and that has nothing to do with their history of recovery. You can reserve the right to help her in a million other ways, or at another time in her process (when she gets some clean time back under her belt).

You can be kind and self protective at the same time. Self protective is not selfish.

I also have a soft spot for people and I have let people stay at my place despite that inner voice that said it was not a good idea. The circumstances were not recovery related. But every time I didn't listen to that inner voice in almost every instance it didn't end well. That voice is there for a reason.

I understand how this causes you discomfort, HurrySpring. It just shows that you have feelings for Betsy and really care. That part is a good thing. I get how and why it's difficult to support someone we have a special connection with without being too drawn in... I struggle with this sometimes even though I actually had some professional training for it: how to deal with people's problems compassionately without my own feelings becoming detrimental either on the relationship or on myself. But friendship is not a relationship between a doctor and patient, or something like that, and we typically don't want to limit our feelings. It is sometimes necessary for the sake of our own well-being though. I don't tend to be too open about letting people in my home, but I definitely have difficulties with getting into people too much and setting mental boundaries.

Definitely do not open your house to an active addict, however you like her. I agree with others, listen to your instinct. Maybe try to help find accommodation for her? Like a shelter or something? I think letting her in might just make her state worse... because then she would not need to make efforts to resolve her situation.

You gotta set boundaries and sometimes tough love is the best way to do it