Justincredible

I never planned it like this. Never put my hand up in class to say "I'm going to be battling addiction and divorced by the time I'm 35!". But I have nobody to blame, one thing I've learned is the "blame game" gets me nowhere. I'm just posting to get some of my anxiety and worry out about my divorce in progress. Hopefully someone can shed some light on it who has gone through it and stayed sober. Any insight is welcome.

The main points I find myself ruminating over are:

Are my two children 6 and 10 going to be screwed up and scarred for life by this? How can I help them to get through this?

Guilt, I feel guilty for feeling, free. Free from a toxic relationship and able to really focus on myself. I know I have a real shot at sobriety now. It wasn't my former wife's fault, but just the condition of our relationship. The pressure, the tension, the arguing. Some of it was due to my using, some of it I used to escape from it and got into a real unhealthy state. I feel guilty for being away from my children during the week.

Fear. I know it is going to be hard when she starts a new relationship. Even though I am over my former wife (we agreed to give it one more shot last year and it did not work), and our separation has been a long time coming. We were basically holding it together for the kids. But even so, I have no idea how it will feel, and I fear it. Also the fears of another man around my children go through my head and all the negative possibilities. Also, even though I am not ready to date at all, I get anxious over that. What if nobody likes me? How am I going to meet people if I'm avoiding every social event where booze is present? What if my ex goes crazy and is hurt by it, what if it affects her parenting of our children? Ugh, so many uncertainties.

So far I am taking it in stride, and feel a strength I have never felt before in sobriety. Really working on myself to be a better man, father, friend, son, and brother. I just hope I can keep the focus, and not face anything so overwhelming that I start to consider drinking. I am just trying to anticipate a bit because I know how cunning this little beast can be.

Thanks for reading

Soberwolf

Just keep taking it a day at a time Justin your doing really well

if you ever want to talk you can always send a pm

Esspee

I am sorry that I can't give any advice as my case is so different - the only input I can give is my son was 2.5 when me and his father divorced and he has grown in to the sort if lad anybody would be proud of.

I think you sound a really caring soul, hence your concerns. The only thing I can say is keep that side 'on view' to your kids. If they know you care and they can talk to you then things will be good.

Anna

It sounds like you're doing well. Keep your focus on your recovery and your children and you'll be fine. Be there for your kids when they need you, and even when they don't. You're their Dad and will always be their Dad.

Justincredible

Thank you for the responses! These thoughts were starting to get distracting and I've heard so much advice from people here to "write it down". It amazes me how the simple act of typing out a few things can be so therapeutic!

I just want to make it through this "What Now?" time in my life without self destructing, or taking backwards steps.

Maybe there is a section on divorce here, or a divorcee forum like SR, but for divorce. I read somewhere that it can take at least a year to fully recover from one. But as I've learned, everybody has a different timeline.

courage2

Justin, I didn't see this thread when it was first posted, but I wanted to send you a note tonight -- I think you're doing just incredible! I see you on the 24 thread every day but I didn't know anything about your story. Knowing just a little, I really admire your sobriety.

Bmac

I went through a divorce when I had 13 years of sobriety, which was about 12 years ago. We had a son who was 3 at the time. Every concern you had, I had...and then some.

Here's what I did. I chose to meditate and create a very vivid mental image of how I wanted to see my relationship with my soon to be ex in the future. I imagined a mutually loving and respectful relationship, I imagined we would be friends, I imagined that we would be partners together in parenting our son, I imagined our son would have no negative consequences because of the divorce. It was hard. I was angry, resentful, hateful, fearful (she left me).

When my family and friends tried to support me by saying negative things about her, I would literally tell them, "I can't hear that. It is in conflict with what I believe my outcome will be". Even when I felt serious resentment, I would force myself to visit my mental image of what I wanted my future to be.

Fast forward to today. My ex and I are best of friends, always there for each other when needed. We are truly partners in parenting and make all decisions about our son's life together. She is remarried to a good man who I respect and who loves and cares for my son. I am grateful that my son has another positive male role model in his life.

I short, my real life far surpassed even my most optimistic "mental image" of what I hoped it would be like. There is something to be said for "You will see it when you believe it". I never drank over it.

Justincredible

Thanks for the response courage and Bmac,
Bmac,
I really needed to read this today! I have been on a real emotional roller coaster with all this. I'm glad to hear you didn't drink over it, in fact I know it would only make matters far worse if I were to do that. The hope that everything works out in the future is something I really need right now. The worrying over all the possibilities can be maddening!

I will defenitley incorporate some positive mental imagery of how I want the future to be with my former wife, and us co-parenting our children into my meditations. Great idea!

thomas11

Hi justincredible, you are going through alot at a relatively early stage in your life and I feel for you. There are things in this situation you can control and things you can't. I'm sure you realize that, and have probably heard that before. Keep a firm grip on those you can control, and simply be cognizant of those you cannot. You'll do just fine, I'm sure of it.