Littlebear

Hi. Thought I'd post some more about the circumstances that made me stop drinking...as I haven't til now. And today I feel I have hit something hard to deal with. And need to just talk here for a bit. The day my boyfriend of 14 months ended our relationship was the day I decided two things - not to try and get him back (I usually did), and decided to stop drinking alcohol - with no planning. Just stopped for the first time ever. This, after drinking most nights of my adult life - without anyone knowing, my career unaffected, etc, etc. I am going into my 20 th day sober and although I have been feeling somtimes ok...I am now really falling into depression I think about the split, the loneliness and generally my life. All hard to face without the numbing glasses of wine. I am working with a therapist I trust. So that's something. I am just scared of how bad I am feeling.

My partner didn't drink...I think he had a past with alcohol and had stopped drinking about 6 mths before we met. My drinking wasn't really the reason he ended it with me...I was careful to 'hide' my drinking...usually only had 1/2 glasses of wine when together then I would continue when I got home if i was alone. He borrowed a lot of money from me...and I paid for a lot when we were out...but I didn't mind. Now I do mind because I am struggling financially and he won't return the money...he really wasn't good for me in any shape or form, but I miss him so badly. And feel ashamed that I do miss him...he didn't treat me very well...not I think intentionally - but the results weren't good. So I have stayed away - as I have stayed away from the bottle...

Jesus its hard to keep sober in the middle of all this. I don't have any family (all alcoholics that I split from a very long time ago). And never had any children...focused on career instead. So I am up the preverbial sh***t creek in terms of support. just needed to say something and thanks for listening x

VikingGF

First off, congrats on your sober time. In light of the circumstances, what you have accomplished is significant and you should be very, very proud of your determination.

Secondly, good for you having a therapist. This will be a wonderful support for you as you work through your emotions and come to terms with the present. It's not surprising you are sad, you have given up two major things (neither of which were good for you, but we are often the last ones to understand this!) and you have to adjust. But you cannot grow and move on if you are drinking, so you have to go through the pain and hard times, assimilate those feelings, learn and grow and move on. This takes time and effort but you have a beautiful start, and you have us, so you have it going on!!

We are your support, and so is your therapist, and any friends who have your best interest at heart. You can do it, keep going.

Dee74

It's hard getting over a love - even a love that didn't treat us the way we deserved to be treated.

I'm with VGF on this one - I think you're accomplishing some great things for yourself and you're doing great

Early recovery can be rough - but this is not the way it will always be
Things do get better - don't despair

D

mns1

Littlebear your resilience in getting through all this without drinking is certainly impressive and that is very important.

But just know that anytime you need support you will find it here!

Keep your head up!

Anna

It sounds like you're on a good path and doing well. Having a therapist will be a big help to you as you recover. Yes, it's so hard to face things sober, especially the really tough things like a breakup. I hope you don't allow these feelings to undermine you, as it sounds like he didn't treat you well and it could be that this breakup is for the best. Try to take some time to just 'be' and to get to know the sober you. There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.

LBrain

My reality is that besides my wife (who quit drinking before I did but was never a drunk), SR is really my only support.
My wife doesn't understand at all what it is like but just gave me space. Hard to explain.
But she is very patient with me.

You are doing great Littlebear. In the early going it can be difficult. Some adjustments are needed but we cannot get over dramatic in our approach. You are dealing with a lot of emotions regarding you latest breakup. I think you are doing an excellent job of isolating it and not letting it overwhelm you.
Hang in there.

saoutchik

Hi Littlebear,

What you described sounds like a hard place to be in but I think you have made two important decisions that will give you the opportunity to change the circumstances you are in now

Firstly you have split with a guy who was probably making you feel more unhappy on the inside than he was making you happy on the outside. Without his negative presense you will start to feel better about yourself, just not right away though

Secondly your getting rid of another negative influencein the booze. You have members of your family who are alcoholics so you know what that is like. You can be better than both them and your ex. You sound like an intelligent woman, you have a career, just think how good you can be sober.!

Congratulations on 20 days - this is a new and better beginning for you Littlebear

joedilla

Little bear your story meant something to me, I also have a had a professional job and most people don't even know I party, I internalized my partying the last few years and its so strange to me that people have no idea and actually think that I do not abuse substances, u sound like u r in the same spot I am the drinking isn't doing anything for u and u r ready for change, good job making it 20 days.

heartcore

I'm glad you're here, Little Bear.

Our stories have some parallels. I also left my fella on the same day I began sobriety, and so was processing that break up while going through early sobriety. I also had a very private relationship with alcohol, so once I decided to quit drinking, it was hard to explain to people as I hadn't misbehaved publicly. I also live very far from family, and without a couple or children at home, pretty much had no one to be accountable to .

I've had to very intentionally change that last bit. I joined AA, and although I am not in agreement with all the elements of that program, knowing that there were people - right here in my little town - who would be upset if they saw me walking out of the liquor store with a bottle of wine, has made the difference at times that I wanted to drink. I can say unequivocally that were I not involved in AA, there are numerous occasions in these last seven months when I would have chosen to have a drink.

My adult daughter is also now living with me, doing her own recovery. Obviously, had I not chosen to get sober, this would not be where she would have chosen to come live for her recovery. So, I joke now that I'm "forced to go through with it." Sharing the experience with her has been a profound opportunity to get very close with her again, and I value it. Sharing sobriety with someone you care about and worry about (whether that is a family member or a friend) feels totally different; I KNOW that if I choose to drink, she won't be very far behind me. I believe that this is why there is a strong emphasis on the sponsor/sponsee relationship in AA (I'm not her sponsor, I just see parallels). While the sponsor is a great guide for the new member, the sponsee serves as a responsibility - it would be so discouraging for someone if their sponsor drank that it is a huge incentive for the sponsor to stay sober! Or you'd have to carry the realization that you may have discouraged someone else from recovery...

So, the web of people in your life that care if you get sober or not is - for me - very important. I am on SR almost daily, and care about this community deeply, but I needed real people in my real life who would care if I chose to drink. If it were just me, and no one else knew, then it would be quite easy to convince myself that it is no big deal...

ReadyOrNot123

I'm impressed Littlebear. When I went through a bad break up, I turned to the bottle and everything got worse. Looking back, I regret that much more than any other part of that horrible part of my life. Bravo to you.

least

The hurt of the breakup will fade with time. Getting sober is a good thing you've done for yourself. If you ever need support, come here as we've got lots of support.

Littlebear

Oh...thank thankyou to all. I have always found it difficult to 'reveal' when I am hurting so to do some of it and have your responses is well...I don't have the words really. Know I am grateful?

I am very used to getting through the world pretty solo...I am not saying its the right way...I wish I hadn't had to...but specially right now I do feel very isolated. Yes i have a couple of good friends here (but others are mostly far away - am originally from glasgow but in devon for 24 years). Those that are nearby, didnt like my boyfriend so they wont be so tolerant of how deeply i miss him...and they dont know of my problems with alcohol.

I did try going to AA about a year ago...but across three different meeting venues...i met several past clients of my own. For right or for wrong I couldn't bear that so stopped so never really got started on abstinence til now - on my own. But I will keep posting here...thank you for taking some time x

tomsteve

My fiance( actually by then she was my ex. I wasnt informed yet) throwing my arse out the door after Another drunken night if insane words and actions was one of the things that helped me to decide to get sober.
I was quite devastated. Suicidal,too. Wasn't too happy with how I was and who I was.
So there I was, getting sober AND dealing with havin the woman I intended to spend the rest of my life with booting me to the curb.A jilion and three things to work on and a jillion and seven things going through my mind.
Something I learned is......I was dam glad she booted me out!!!!!!! After the fog lifted, footwork on me, and my thinker was thinkin clearer, I saw what a blessing it was for her to toss me.
Making amends to her for my past actions helped in it all,too.

On the loaning money thing: I found it wise not to lend/ borrow/ give money i can't afford to lose. In other words, I had to drop expectations of people paying me back. That way, when they do, I'm even more greatful.
And when they don't im not disappointed.

GracieLou

I have to agree with this.

When I stopped I had no support around me other than the people in AA.

My children were glad I was getting help but they were not calling me everyday or even once a month asking how I was. My mother was not encouraging but for the grace of God she was not sabotaging either which was her MO. My friend up the street that still drank and still does to this day actually gave me more praise than anyone and that consisted of "Kudos to you for quitting".

I was alone and I am grateful now that I was. It gave me a chance to work on me without the eyes and ears of other people. People that are not sober alcoholics. People that did not understand. People that would have taken my new vulnerability and used it against me for their own self serving motives.

I needed to be with people that are active recovering alcoholics. That were in AA and working the program. I needed to be around woman that are sober and that gave me advice and loved me without judgement. They had nothing to gain from me other than to see me sober from day to day. They never wanted anything from me and they didn't expect anything. There was no "you owe me". They just gave me unconditional love.

I got everything I needed in the rooms of AA. I didn't always think I wanted it and at times I didn't want to hear it but I am so grateful today that I got it.

Littlebear

Hi - thank you tomsteve and gracielou...I know (or hope I do) in time that i might see losing my partner (we were just about to live together) as a blessing...its only been about 5 weeks. And I also know its not sensible to loan money where your not so solvent yourself...but I am right now just in the pain of having done these things...and feeling I lost a lot, and feel quite lost (some of the time) in myself... And without the alcohol, boy am I feeling all of it!

Even in retrospect I still think I would have loaned the money (that i didn't really have)... I walked in one morning with 2 takeaway coffees and croissants to my boyfriends before going to work to find his landlord there ready to serve eviction as he hadn't paid rent for 2 months...I knew nothing about it. I staved this off for him by paying his rent...he had his 16 yr old daughter living with him... Even with common sense, I had to act. He promised me faithfully he would give me the money within one week or go to his father if this failed. 7 mths on I still wait. I still see that i couldnt have let him be evicted. I now also know (after the event) that he was evicted from a previous property before he met me with collosal debt. But, yip...I still love him (or am in love with him). But have to stay away. And have done.

I am just in a place which is hard...you all must know from your own lives how difficult it can be to see that someone leaving you that you loved was a blessing...at least right now.

And I have lost the one dear friend that has been with me for it feels like forever in such a journey of my whole life - my wine. I was homeless on the streets at 15 in Glasgow. Too many reasons to go into about why...but all about alcoholic abusive parents. Somehow got to university later in life, good career, good reputation in what I do for a living - blah de blah...but always at my side in my lonliness, my wine... I can see how I talk with affection for something that hasn't really been my friend, but remember I am learning...and still at least abstinent for the first time ever.

Sorry if I am sounding so, so sad. It's because I am. I also know it wont always feel like this. I am going to get out of this bed and walk in the sunshine...after I feed my cats, then my neighbours cats (they're a away the weekend). Then i am going to pay a hairdresser to wash my hair...as my treat. Thanks again for the opportunity to be able to do this. My posts won't always be so long...x

sprout50

Littlebear, Congrats on your sober time! Glad to hear that you have a plan for the day and you deserve to treat yourself. Hang in there!

BernieE

Post away Little Bear, there are no limits on number or length. You are showing your strength in dealing with difficult and highly personal changes in your life. I see this as a turning point in your life. Some day you'll look back and see that the wonderful life you have can be traced back to this pivotal time. Stay strong, be good to yourself. You deserve it.

PurpleKnight

Day 30 is a fantastic achievement Littlebear, be very proud of that!!

Sobriety in itself can be a tough time emotionally on it's own, never mind the ending of a relationship on top of that, my mind was all over the place for a long time until everything adjusted.

Focus on you and your Sobriety, build on what you have already achieved!!

You can do this Littlebear!!