Ughh dammit!
 

After 110 days, I am now on a babymoon with my 7 month preggo wife. Tuesday was an amazing sober day. The sun felt great, the food tasted amazing, yet my addictive mind was looking for opoortunity. Weds my wife ordered a glass of wine to the room. She only wanted and only took a couple of sips. I wish I knew what that felt like. I ordered a glass as well. It was delightful and I slept like a baby and woke up to the sunrise with my drunk monkey (my addictive mind) chattering.

Today was a great day as well. We took a bike ride, we collected shells to bring home for my son. Next thing I know I'm hiding bottles of vodka in the bathroom. I order a glass of wine at dinner "so she can have a couple of sips" then I ordered 2 glasses to the room. She fell asleep and I fond myself crawling to the minibar. I'm basically drunk. I know it's wrong but I feel great! I didn't drink enough to be hungover. Part of me misses the hangover. What the f*ck? Why can't I just walk over to the mini bar. Same outcome right? The crawling to the minibar is the key element here. That along with the progression...a sip, a glass, and then 5 mini bottles along with a reminder i set in my phone to tell the concierge to not put the bill under the door.

Sometimes I think that my recovery is a joke . That if I lead the spiritual and honest life I preach that I could just walk to the bar instead of crawling. It's the crawling that's the tell

Anyway, so I tell her? Do I tell my dad and my other accountabilities? I have to admit, I'm not too regretful right now. I imagine I may have a slightly different view tlmorrow but maybe not. My addictive mind says I'm over thinking this. I'm a human. I'm just doing what my heart tells me. Why am I so sick?

Either way life is good and I will be ok! Thanks for being here ( weird, I'm saying that to a website). Thanks

I think you already know what the right things to do are David?

D

Hi David, going from a glass of wine to 5 mini-bottles, hiding in the bathroom, telling the concierge to conceal the account - well it's a series of red-flags.

If and only IF you become serious about sobriety, you need to get your wife on board. She may not think you have a problem but you have to convince her. Some of us can handle people drinking in out vicinity, but even for 3 year veterans like me it makes things difficult, and spontaneous relapse more likely.

I don't say this to criticise you in any way, but from what you've written here, you don't seem to believe you have a problem. Admittedly you're still UTI, but your final sentence is not hopeful. I would wish you could see into the future for your family and yourself if you keep drinking.

If you are serious about sobriety and you can convince yourself about your future if keep drinking, then you'll have to tell your wife and father and others. Alcoholics usually convince themselves they are fooling everyone - not so.

Not so sure. Having fun now, I'll embrace the hangover tomorrow and will run 3 miles amd be fine. I don't know the answer. Not bragging but my life was amazing while I was drinking and it was ok, kind of boring , when I wasnt. I quit for 100 days. I can do it. Why can't I do it later?

So do you think I was never serious about recovery? I am inclined toward rational recovery. Should I go against my intuition and do aa? I appreciate the input.

You remind me of me. "Later" ended up being over a decade.

Makes no sense for me to try to figure it out now. Going to sleep. I'm glad I posted this because if not I would have ignored it and tomorrow would have been worse. I'll start over tomorrow

Thanks!

David, I have an acquaintance who was also a terrific athlete in his day. Life was wonderful when he was drinking. I would be jealous of the tales he told- a good looking man with athletic talent and a good mind. Had any woman he wanted. When I met him he was still looking good. And still drinking. Now he his losing his teeth and has run out of appearance based arrogance. He always prided himself on his athletic abilities and despite being active the alcohol has him killing himself and in a deep denial.

He embraced everything, was big into embracing whatever his current "truth" was and told himself that it was ok in the end. Maybe it was or will be.

But what I see is, doing it later leads to a very rough road.

I hope you will choose a different route.

Because this man I know is very miserable now. And very alone. And still drinking.

The glory days have to end.

It depends how progressive it is David. We As often convince ourselves we can quit easily, but that's part of the disease. It's our AV talking. Then, years later, our intake having increased with tolerance, we've damaged ourselves and our families.

Please remember you only quit for 100 days, and all it took was a glass before you progressed to the vodka. That's pretty serious.

If you do decide to keep drinking, do it out in the open. Why hide if it's harmless?

Sounds like a good plan. Get some water and some rest. I am guessing you will have a little different outlook on things in the morning.

I don't know your story or your background, but if your life was so great while you were drinking, what compelled you to join and post on a recovery website? There must have been something that wasn't working in regards to your alcohol consumption.

This was your first post David

It might be instructive to go back and read from there...remind yourself why you came here and what you wanted when you did? :)

D

I'll bet you had some damn good reasons to stop 110 days ago. What were they?

Your optimism and cockiness about how great your life was drinking and about how you can quit later sound a lot like me many years ago.

It got a lot worse for me.

And I screwed up a lot in my life.

I hope you decide on a better path.

David when you wake up I hope you'll focus on building that sobriety again. Your wife needs a lot of support and the baby deserves a sober dad, this is a wonderful time in your life.

^^^ What FeelingGreat said.

I will never forget this time when me and my two buddies were spending the evening before a 100 mile bicycle ride on a front porch and we had decided to split a 6 pack. I drank four before they, or I knew what had happened. And so they didn't get their two each because I had hogged them. The only reason they even had their "one" was because those were already in their hands. My blind drive for the booze overrode everything. Restraint, my a**.

I didn't give a d*mn at the moment, only I have been ashamed of it for so many years now, whenever I think of it, right along with all of the other shameful things that have been linked with the drinking -- things that just come to mind from time to time, and mortify me over and over again, forever.

My buddies stayed together the entire ride and distanced themselves from me.

It's sounds to me like right ******* now would be a great time to turn your ship around because, well, you sound like a smart guy and if you can't see which way your boat, full speed ahead, is headed . . . how can I put this . . you fill in the blanks.

Your "fun" will come at a price that, believe me, will take the "fun" right out of it, and, as it sounds, sooner rather than later.

It was smart of you to stop in here and reach out. Now just follow through and do what you know you must.

.

Thanks everyone. Great advice. So day 1! I will not drink today

Hi, David.

Welcome back to sobriety. It's the only place, really, for folks like us.

There is some great advice here, as you noted. You may also benefit from spending some time reading in the Friends and Family forums. What felt like "fun" last night is something totally different for those agonizing over life with alcoholic husbands (and wives and significant others). Some of the most painful passages are from those who reflect on the impact an alcoholic father is having on his children. Many decide to leave.

I think it would be helpful for you to gain strength in your quest from sobriety by taking a look at what life could be like if you choose to continue drinking. Not much fun.

You can do this. You and your family will gain so much from your commitment to sobriety and recovery.

Hi David,

I hope that you are motivated to stop drinking for good. Consider yourself lucky that you have not sunk further and remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will worsen unless you stop drinking.