Spouse of Sober and Recovering, but need help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: North Augusta, SC
Posts: 1
Spouse of Sober and Recovering, but need help
My husband has been in sober since June 6th of 2013. He spent six months in a recovery center, and things have been tough.
He constantly tells me that we need to leave the past in the past, and start new, but he continuously blames me for having him arrested, and released into a recovery facility, even though he was extremely violent and reckless. I wanted to save his life.
I have read many articles, been to Al anon meetings, and they all say the same things, but what I don't understand is the cruelty and meanness. He can be sweet and nice for a couple of weeks, and then boom, hateful, mean, cruel, scary.
We have no intimate relationship, we don't even sleep in the same room. When I try to talk to him, he either interrupts me or tells me to hurry it up. I have tried to suggest "Date" nights, they never happen. He claims he has no friends, and alienates all of those around him that care about him. About 2 months out of rehab he stopped going to meetings and working his program saying he didn't need it, he wasn't like those people, (no offense) I totally feel he needs to work the program, he was always so much happier after meetings.
I need some advice, I feel like I am living alone in an armed camp.
Is this normal?
He constantly tells me that we need to leave the past in the past, and start new, but he continuously blames me for having him arrested, and released into a recovery facility, even though he was extremely violent and reckless. I wanted to save his life.
I have read many articles, been to Al anon meetings, and they all say the same things, but what I don't understand is the cruelty and meanness. He can be sweet and nice for a couple of weeks, and then boom, hateful, mean, cruel, scary.
We have no intimate relationship, we don't even sleep in the same room. When I try to talk to him, he either interrupts me or tells me to hurry it up. I have tried to suggest "Date" nights, they never happen. He claims he has no friends, and alienates all of those around him that care about him. About 2 months out of rehab he stopped going to meetings and working his program saying he didn't need it, he wasn't like those people, (no offense) I totally feel he needs to work the program, he was always so much happier after meetings.
I need some advice, I feel like I am living alone in an armed camp.
Is this normal?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
There is no "normal" for recovering alcoholics, because alcoholism is just part of a being, and they also have a mosaic of other gifts and challenges that they bring to the table.
Being in recovery doesn't necessarily mean that you are impatient or cruel. It doesn't mean that you refuse to process the past with people you hurt. It doesn't mean that the people who love you should feel they are "living alone in an armed camp."
That breaks my heart, really, that you have to feel this. There are parts of recovery that are difficult, and every person has difficult days, but for many of us, recovery also feels joyful and hopeful and connective. Recovery calls back the best parts of ourselves and begins to nourish them.
We all get to set our own boundaries, and we don't have to apologize for them. I don't know you, but from my perspective, this situation is unacceptable. Cruelty and meanness are not the right of any person toward another, and recovery certainly isn't an excuse for abuse of any kind!
Many in recovery are able to create a plan for themselves which doesn't necessarily involve AA - but, as you already noticed, the camaraderie of AA is valuable, and the process can help work through the difficult inner demons. I would suggest that a person in recovery who isn't active in AA needs other opportunities to grow - therapy, other groups, self-study...
Since you're a stranger to me, I have no idea why you are staying in a relationship that makes you feel this way! I know that the commitment to marriage can over-ride difficulties, but from what you describe, even if I wanted to stick around and see if I could have this relationship with him sober, I wouldn't choose to live with him until he had moved through his anger and sought help in doing so.
Going to AlAnon is a positive. Also, check out the Family and Friends forum here - there are some excellent people there who have gone through similar experiences.
From the point of view of an recovering addict/alcoholic - meanness and cruelty are not part of the program!!
Don't worry about what he is or isn't doing in his recovery, just look at his behaviors, how they are impacting you, and what you can do in your own life to mitigate those impacts. It is not loyalty to stay with someone who is cruel or emotionally abusive - it is choosing pain...and - in the long run - it does powerful damage to you, deep, deep inside...
Being in recovery doesn't necessarily mean that you are impatient or cruel. It doesn't mean that you refuse to process the past with people you hurt. It doesn't mean that the people who love you should feel they are "living alone in an armed camp."
That breaks my heart, really, that you have to feel this. There are parts of recovery that are difficult, and every person has difficult days, but for many of us, recovery also feels joyful and hopeful and connective. Recovery calls back the best parts of ourselves and begins to nourish them.
We all get to set our own boundaries, and we don't have to apologize for them. I don't know you, but from my perspective, this situation is unacceptable. Cruelty and meanness are not the right of any person toward another, and recovery certainly isn't an excuse for abuse of any kind!
Many in recovery are able to create a plan for themselves which doesn't necessarily involve AA - but, as you already noticed, the camaraderie of AA is valuable, and the process can help work through the difficult inner demons. I would suggest that a person in recovery who isn't active in AA needs other opportunities to grow - therapy, other groups, self-study...
Since you're a stranger to me, I have no idea why you are staying in a relationship that makes you feel this way! I know that the commitment to marriage can over-ride difficulties, but from what you describe, even if I wanted to stick around and see if I could have this relationship with him sober, I wouldn't choose to live with him until he had moved through his anger and sought help in doing so.
Going to AlAnon is a positive. Also, check out the Family and Friends forum here - there are some excellent people there who have gone through similar experiences.
From the point of view of an recovering addict/alcoholic - meanness and cruelty are not part of the program!!
Don't worry about what he is or isn't doing in his recovery, just look at his behaviors, how they are impacting you, and what you can do in your own life to mitigate those impacts. It is not loyalty to stay with someone who is cruel or emotionally abusive - it is choosing pain...and - in the long run - it does powerful damage to you, deep, deep inside...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
Welcome to SR.
Whether a recovering alcoholic or not his behaviour is not acceptable. He clearly has no respect for you or anyone and is playing the victim card for all it's worth.
When he says he has no friends maybe it's worth pointing out unless he bucks his ideas up he'll have no wife either as he doesn't deserve you!
Whether a recovering alcoholic or not his behaviour is not acceptable. He clearly has no respect for you or anyone and is playing the victim card for all it's worth.
When he says he has no friends maybe it's worth pointing out unless he bucks his ideas up he'll have no wife either as he doesn't deserve you!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I don't know if normal is the right word, but you describe a common pattern. I wouldn't call your husband a recovering alcoholic, he sounds more like an alcoholic who has stopped drinking at the moment, but he is not happy about it.
If he was attempting the AA program he may, like me, have been shocked at the level of honesty and discipline required to carry it off. Facing all those events of the past, cleaning up the wreckage, discussing with another human being the whole mess I had made of things. The first thing I wanted to do was sweep all that under the carpet and I certainly did not want to go back and right old wrongs. Carrying all that crap will make anyone miserable and irritable.
I got drunk and lost more, then I became willing to do what it takes and I changed. Maybe he won't have to get drunk, a lot of alkies reach a point of desperation without drinking, and then they get busy with the program.
But you are talking about a real alcoholic, a characteristic of which seems to be that removing the drink does not make the problem go away, it usually brings it out in spades.
If he was attempting the AA program he may, like me, have been shocked at the level of honesty and discipline required to carry it off. Facing all those events of the past, cleaning up the wreckage, discussing with another human being the whole mess I had made of things. The first thing I wanted to do was sweep all that under the carpet and I certainly did not want to go back and right old wrongs. Carrying all that crap will make anyone miserable and irritable.
I got drunk and lost more, then I became willing to do what it takes and I changed. Maybe he won't have to get drunk, a lot of alkies reach a point of desperation without drinking, and then they get busy with the program.
But you are talking about a real alcoholic, a characteristic of which seems to be that removing the drink does not make the problem go away, it usually brings it out in spades.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Dubo, sometimes we want to believe that all of our alcoholic's problems and personality dysfunctions are because they are drinking. The alcoholism is such a glaring problem that we want to believe that once it is solved and our alcoholic quits drinking, everything else will be hunky-dory. It is so much more complicated than that. I have an alcoholic family member who clearly has untreated personality disorders that have existed long before her alcoholism spun out of control. Getting help to quit drinking would only be the very start of her recovery.
I spent my entire adulthood as a regular drinker of alcohol. At almost 18 months sober, I still feel like a newborn figuring life out without the crutch of alcohol. I am still discovering things that I did know about myself and I am sure to those people in my life, I am handling them and situations in ways I never have before.
I echo the others that you spend this time focused entirely on yourself and your recovery to be sure that you want to stay on this path with your spouse. Look into our Family and Friends section. It is an excellent resource.
I spent my entire adulthood as a regular drinker of alcohol. At almost 18 months sober, I still feel like a newborn figuring life out without the crutch of alcohol. I am still discovering things that I did know about myself and I am sure to those people in my life, I am handling them and situations in ways I never have before.
I echo the others that you spend this time focused entirely on yourself and your recovery to be sure that you want to stay on this path with your spouse. Look into our Family and Friends section. It is an excellent resource.
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