Living with an alcoholic - help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: West Yorkshire
Posts: 3
Living with an alcoholic - help!
Hallo,
I'm living with a man who is mostly a delight to be with, apart from when he drinks - then he turns moody, volatile, aggressive (verbal, not physical). He's said on several occasions that he wants to stop drinking so that he can be a better man for me and his daughter (she lives with her mum), but every time, after just a couple of days off the beer, he's back in the pub again. And he can't have just a couple of beers and leave the pub after a couple of hours, he stays there for up to 12 hours and drinks huge amount of beer. He lost his last job for being absent without phoning in, plus interpersonal issues and making too many mistakes. Now he works as a market trader 3 days per week, often says he's had a poor day and no money to put towards bills, then he's straight the pub and drinks pint after pint of beer! I hate the lies and the deceit.
How I can best support him and help him? Everything I tried so far seems to have been a failure. Would love some input from people with drink issues and those who love them and live with them. I want to stay with my man, but the drunken aggression and lies will drive me away if it carries on.
Thank you for reading this, look forward to any help/suggestions that anyone may have!
I'm living with a man who is mostly a delight to be with, apart from when he drinks - then he turns moody, volatile, aggressive (verbal, not physical). He's said on several occasions that he wants to stop drinking so that he can be a better man for me and his daughter (she lives with her mum), but every time, after just a couple of days off the beer, he's back in the pub again. And he can't have just a couple of beers and leave the pub after a couple of hours, he stays there for up to 12 hours and drinks huge amount of beer. He lost his last job for being absent without phoning in, plus interpersonal issues and making too many mistakes. Now he works as a market trader 3 days per week, often says he's had a poor day and no money to put towards bills, then he's straight the pub and drinks pint after pint of beer! I hate the lies and the deceit.
How I can best support him and help him? Everything I tried so far seems to have been a failure. Would love some input from people with drink issues and those who love them and live with them. I want to stay with my man, but the drunken aggression and lies will drive me away if it carries on.
Thank you for reading this, look forward to any help/suggestions that anyone may have!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Liz!! 
Nothing could have got me to stop drinking until I wanted to for myself, does this guy have any ambition to stop? not just through words, but actions, because if he doesn't it could be to a long wait, as no one can be forced to stop drinking.
It's important though to get support for yourself, looking in on alcoholism can be a very lonely place, here on SR you'll find loads of support, but you may need to think about the bigger picture, what is in this relationship for you, a person can change, but what if they don't?
Great to have you onboard, this is a great place for support and advice!!
Nothing could have got me to stop drinking until I wanted to for myself, does this guy have any ambition to stop? not just through words, but actions, because if he doesn't it could be to a long wait, as no one can be forced to stop drinking.
It's important though to get support for yourself, looking in on alcoholism can be a very lonely place, here on SR you'll find loads of support, but you may need to think about the bigger picture, what is in this relationship for you, a person can change, but what if they don't?
Great to have you onboard, this is a great place for support and advice!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: West Yorkshire
Posts: 3
Thanks Purpleknight!
He has said several times that he wants to stop drinking, the longest time he managed to stay dry was 16 days - he was an absolute dream to be with. Sadly he lapsed. He was getting into bad ways again late last year, and early in January I had to put it to him that there would be no future for us if he couldn't control the drunken aggression. He's been a lot better the past month, but is just starting to go downhill again now - 8 hour drinking session on Monday, and he's out at the pub again now. I know that I can't wave a magic wand and make him stop drinking, I just wonder if there is any approach I can try that will really make him understand what his drinking does to me. It upsets his daughter too when she comes to stay with us at weekends. I love him very much and it tears me apart to see him drunk and stupid in the pub, he becomes a bit of a laughing stock in there. Sometimes he comes home so drunk that he can't even unlock his own front door, yet he denies that he has a drink problem. I just don't know what to do to help him see how much he is damaging himself and our relationship.
He has said several times that he wants to stop drinking, the longest time he managed to stay dry was 16 days - he was an absolute dream to be with. Sadly he lapsed. He was getting into bad ways again late last year, and early in January I had to put it to him that there would be no future for us if he couldn't control the drunken aggression. He's been a lot better the past month, but is just starting to go downhill again now - 8 hour drinking session on Monday, and he's out at the pub again now. I know that I can't wave a magic wand and make him stop drinking, I just wonder if there is any approach I can try that will really make him understand what his drinking does to me. It upsets his daughter too when she comes to stay with us at weekends. I love him very much and it tears me apart to see him drunk and stupid in the pub, he becomes a bit of a laughing stock in there. Sometimes he comes home so drunk that he can't even unlock his own front door, yet he denies that he has a drink problem. I just don't know what to do to help him see how much he is damaging himself and our relationship.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Until he admits he has a problem, and makes an honest effort to solve it, there's not much you can do for him. I'd suggest you get some support for yourself as he's not going to stop drinking unless he wants to stop. Nothing you say will help much.
Welcome to SR!
We also have a friends and family of alcoholics forum you may be interested in.
Welcome to SR!
We also have a friends and family of alcoholics forum you may be interested in. Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Hello! I'm a recovering alcoholic living with an active alcoholic. He is very nice 99 percent of the time but blacks out often and passes out every night. I am academically and financially stuck in this situation right now and get the privelage of seeing him deteriorate right in front of me. He even pretends he wasn't drinking when I can smell it on him. When I expressed concern he said "you know not everyone is like you Jen". He crashed his truck drunk that weekend. I can only smile because there is NOTHING you can do. I know. My brain operated the same way. Still does at times. I pray you are safe, have lots of patience, and worry about yourself. I'm sorry you have to live this way.
Jennifer
Jennifer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: West Yorkshire
Posts: 3
Thank you for all your comments. Sounds like it's a pretty hopeless situation, he denies that he has a drink problem even though it's patently obvious that he does - he gets jittery and agitated after a couple of days off alcohol, cannot stop drinking once he starts, his marriage broke down largely due to his drinking, he can't hold down a proper job. Maybe I just have to admit defeat and give him up as a lost cause - reluctant to do this because he is very intelligent and extremely loving and caring when sober. But that changes the minute he has more than a few pints, and he becomes volatile and aggressive. I've been supporting him financially for 2 years, which I have come to see is merely enabling him to carry on drinking. I think I need to set some boundaries, treat him like an adult and stop babying him by making life so easy for him. I suspect that there is no long-term future for us, much as it pains me to contemplate having to give up on him as a drunken loser. I had kind of hoped that there might be something positive that I could do to help him, but from the previous replies, it seems that there is nothing that I can do except give up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
Liz,
Welcome to SR. Sorry for the situation you're in. Unfortunately, a man will quit only when he is ready. Some men may also be so impaired by alcohol that they cannot stop. You may have to find a new life for yourself and family.
I'm not sure this would help but you could try leaving him a Big Book from AA. He'll either welcome the read of it or throw it away. Or perhaps first see if he'll see his doctor for help. Make sure not to be critical but only offering some help. Go with your gut instincts on this last suggestion.
Best Regards. Kris
Welcome to SR. Sorry for the situation you're in. Unfortunately, a man will quit only when he is ready. Some men may also be so impaired by alcohol that they cannot stop. You may have to find a new life for yourself and family.
I'm not sure this would help but you could try leaving him a Big Book from AA. He'll either welcome the read of it or throw it away. Or perhaps first see if he'll see his doctor for help. Make sure not to be critical but only offering some help. Go with your gut instincts on this last suggestion.
Best Regards. Kris
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