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Former acid head trying to fix myself

Old 03-05-2015, 04:05 AM
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Welcome Steve nice to meet you
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Old 03-06-2015, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by OpioPhobe View Post
Steve - welcome. The brain is a marvelous thing. I have very little personal experience with those substances, but I think your best bet is to give it time. My mind tends towards psychosis when I am under the influence of any hallucinogen, which kept me largely away from them. Of course, I had to learn the hard way and try most of them once. However, the dissociatives are beyond my realm of experience.

Going to see a doctor is a great idea, but I am not sure it will be as fruitful as one would hope. Most of them will probably blow it off, look down on you, and not have a clue on what to do. How many times do you think they get a psychonsaut come through their office that went a little overboard? Maybe if you did extensive research into a doctor that actually knew the field it would be worthwhile. Going to your run of the mill Primary Care doctor is going to be a waste of time in my opinion. I did a quick search, and it looks like NYU used psilocybin recently in research with terminal cancer patients. You might try looking up the directors of that research and reaching out to them for a start. I do think you are going to need to do some serious research to find a qualified doctor and be willing to travel (Manhattan is just a train ride away anyway). Maybe I am completely wrong on this one, and it is more common than one would think.

I would be shocked if there is much that you can do other than to give it time, but I am not a doctor. Maybe there are certain techniques they could use to sharpen your cognitive functions though. Playing certain mind games (e.g. a simple game of memory) might get your mind back in shape. Crossword puzzle, suduko, etc. would all be good too I would think.

As far as your job goes, you could try to spin your bosses' perception in your favor. The last thing they will want is a disability lawsuit. If you really wanted to go down that route maybe you could tell them you needed to come in late one day because you are going to a fundraiser for XYZ disability (something that has similar symptoms to what you are having). That might make them nervous because they may assume that you have that disability. Also, you can't go after an employer unless they know about a disability. Setting something up like that could make them cautious because an employment attorney worth their salt would think that they couldn't claim ignorance about the disability. Of course, it would just be smoke and mirrors, but it might work. I am not sure how you feel about the morals of doing something like that. It is probably something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing, but I guess it would depend on the type of boss I had (or how bad I needed the job).
I love that idea of playing brain games! Lately I spend just about all of my free time doing things I consider mentally stimulating (reading, writing, language learning, music theory study, etc.) and the occasional crossword or sudoku puzzle seems like a great addition to this routine. I'm going to start counseling once I work up the courage to make the call and schedule the appointment. I think it would be better that I see a counselor before seeing a doctor about my issue.

I would definitely follow up on your advice to insinuate that I'm disabled but my bosses have been very good to me, very patient too, so I don't want to pull anything like that on them. I had however considered telling my bosses that a traumatic event slowed down my brain function somewhat (which is half true), seeing as that isn't something that somebody would want to pry about, but last night the head chef asked me out of the blue "Steve how much pot have you smoked in the last three years?" I said "much more than I should have" and now he jokes with me about it but I'm not sure whether that information has gotten to my bosses, but I think I'll have to rely on my own personal improvement either way. I have been getting better at it though so that's a positive!
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Old 03-06-2015, 10:23 AM
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Thank you everybody for the words of encouragement. Every post means so much to me, even if it's just a welcome to the forum.
After reading that many of you have experienced the same detached feeling I feel now and bounced back with time and effort I'm much more confident that I'll do the same in a few months time, and that the damage isn't totally permanent. This is all very good.
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Old 03-06-2015, 10:31 AM
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Hey Stevemcqueen! It's great to have you here!
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Old 03-06-2015, 11:03 AM
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Oh my... how did I miss this thread before! Welcome to SR, Stevemcqueen Another former psychedelics fan here. I experimented with many different kinds of drugs in my life, but what I came to really like were psychedelics (I would consider these my primary DOC even though they are not addictive the way other drugs are) and alcohol.

I tried many stimulants... coke, meth, other amphetamines, MDMA, ketamine and other dissociatives..., never truly got interested in any of these much. Not much experience with opiates and other downers, thank God. I did not even like weed. But classic psychedelics like mushrooms, LSD, tryptamines (I was obsessed with DMT for a while, did not even do it more than a couple times but the whole history and various conceptualizations around it), peyote, salvia, datura, and a of couple rare chemicals that are less commonly known. I never used them as party drugs but rather as systemic, "science-like" studies with myself, always planned and designed the trips etc. Yeah it was interesting and often insightful, I would lie if I said otherwise. But it was also a substitute to other, more "natural" experiences and explorations that I was afraid of without being in an altered state of consciousness. I have not used any of these drugs for more than 6 years now and I am ~13 months sober from alcohol (that had a very destructive effect on my life).

I started craving psychedelics again in my sobriety, on and off... they keep coming back to my mind and I sometimes have intense nostalgia and desire for them. Some people say the occasional use of these drugs is not harmful and can be beneficial, and I don't doubt this at all, for some individuals. I just find that my desires for them often don't come from a healthy place... so I decided not to give in.

You mention that you prefer natural, drug- and chemical alteration-free experiences to explore your mind now. Me too! Yes dreams (I'm a fan of lucid dreaming), meditation, the effects of rigorous exercise, using an isolation tank occasionally, most recently psychoanalysis. I also love to "loose myself" in music and art at times, but not to the expense of other things that are important to me. Also a researcher in the neurosciences for a day job and I love it. So definitely very much into exploring the mind in all sorts of ways and I benefit a lot from the healthy ways of doing this: when it's not a form of escape from living an active life, and when it's not excessive in ways that are damaging.

It sounds like you are very young -- wonderful decision to put an end to the era of drugs now. I think you could explore a million of other ways to satisfy your curiosities
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Old 03-06-2015, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by haennie View Post
I never used them as party drugs but rather as systemic, "science-like" studies with myself, always planned and designed the trips etc.
This is the same mindset I took toward my use! I remember that whenever someone noticed me taking really out-there combinations of substances (I was really big on combinations, my favorite being ketamine, acid, good absinthe, and a fat balloon of NO2 right before the k hole) I would just smile and say "It's for academic purposes only! Nothing to be concerned about." My trips were always well structured and calculated even when I went off the deep end with it. I think this is why in my mind it was okay to do that to myself.
Nowadays I also share similar outlets with you. I find that I get so much more from lucid dreaming than I ever did from psychedelics, more from proper diet and meditation than I did from pot and opiates, and I have yet to try an isolation tank but I'm eager! It sounds like the perfect natural alternative to my dissociative fix. Where I used to have a checklist, a sort of "gotta try 'em all" attitude toward getting blitzed, I now have a renewed vigor toward going out into the world and having a wealth of real talents and experiences as I'm sure you have too. I'm glad to hear you're sober and that you found interest in neuroscience; sounds like it really suits you
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Old 03-06-2015, 12:13 PM
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Thanks Really nice to hear your progressive thinking and actions.

I was more a "purist" during most of my time when I experimented with drugs -- at first simply because they became accessible to me in a stepwise manner, and later more consciously because I was interested in experiencing the effects of each of them, without interference from other chemicals. But yeah by the end I also got into mixing and combinations... and for a while (luckily it was short for me, less than a year) I did combine mind-altering substances. I actually feel lucky that I had some quite scary and otherwise negative experiences with combining. For example, I was big on mushrooms for a while... lived in London during an era when they were legal there. So I could just go to the market or to an "expert" shop that sold them at the time, and that was what I did. Also did lots of those "experiments" with my intimate partners, planning the trips and getting high together, then interpreting together. Yes at times very bonding. But it was also very... artificially created connection.

The first bad experience that I still recall vividly (it was ~10 years ago) was when I combined a large dose of mushrooms with alcohol, right before a stressful professional event. I did it with my bf of the time, and he did not seem to have any problem. I had a very strong trip late into the night, and then we were drinking lots of wine. Then tried to sleep, but I could not, my mind was tripping all over the place. Had to get up to travel to a conference (both my bf and me) at dawn. He managed to give a good presentation at the conference, and me too... but I was totally out of it, feeling very weird, sick, and paranoid all day. I remember us vividly, sitting at a bar in the first evening of the conference, in a group of good people... and just feeling totally dissociated, fearful, and unable to be myself or to formulate my thoughts in any decent way. That was ~18 hours after the mushroom trip followed by alcohol. I had thoughts and feelings that were very paranoid, also jealousy which is typically out of character for me. Then my bf and I finally got back to our hotel room, and I broke down... crying uncontrollably telling my bf I could not go on with our relationship and that he should leave me alone. Poor guy did, for that night (we had separate hotel rooms provided to us by the conference). He was completely supportive and understanding. Two days later, we went back home (to my home in London), and I kept having paranoid thoughts and flashbacks, crying spells, etc. I recovered from it after a few more days but it really put me off from both psychedelics and alcohol for a while. I only had a few more psychedelic trips (typically increasingly negative) after that, but got really into alcohol for years later.

The isolation tank is something always interesting and positive for me... I use this facility in NYC; not cheap but we can play around with the conditions also, like levels of sensory input, music or complete silence, etc. It's fun and very relaxing for me.
Blue Light Floatation - Floatation Tanks in NYC - New York City
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Old 03-06-2015, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by haennie View Post
Thanks Really nice to hear your progressive thinking and actions.
I've found that out of all the people who I used to have all these meaningful trips with and seemed to build these strong bonds with want nothing to do with me now that I'm off drugs, as though drugs were all we had in common (which isn't true but they're too obtuse to realize it). I don't hold it against them, because I think of them as chemical friendships and hold the people in equal importance with the trips themselves and leave them behind just the same.

Gosh that conference must've been rough on both you and your then-boyfriend. I know that feeling of trying to recollect oneself after being so wildly shaken up, and couldn't imagine having to conduct myself in a professional way right after a trip. Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky to have any negative trips until one got really out of hand. I guess you could call all of them bad trips because I was depressed the whole time and forced myself into intensely scary places by doing things like turning all the lights off, putting on horror noise music (Throbbing Gristle was my favorite) and watch my room turn into hell, but the way I felt wasn't any different from how I felt sober so I don't count them as any sort of wake up call. The real one came on a night of hard drinking and tripping after a string of bad decisions that I can't get into on the basis of a promise. What I can say is that after all the bad decisions and nonsense my best friend at the time was very angry with me and completely tore me apart, and he's a smart guy who knows me well so he did a good job of it. He played around with my head, taking every self doubt and fear I hold, both the rational and irrational ones, and tried to make me believe they all were true and that I'm basically a useless waste of a life. That was 2 months ago and I'm still trying to separate actual constructive criticism on me as a person (because there was a lot of it, it was after all what made me aware of my drug-induced impairment) from mental trickery that only served to put me down at the time. He's no help seeing as we agreed never to speak of it again after initially making amends, and I hate to say it but he's probably just going to keep on his path of self destruction.

On the bright side, I overheard that an isolation tank facility will be opening in my town soon, hopefully for cheaper than the New York prices! The more I read up on it the more beneficial and therapeutic it seems to be for someone in my position.
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Old 03-06-2015, 02:11 PM
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Hi Steve and welcome to SR.

Fascinating discussion. I'm probably a bit of an oddball in that I've only ever had pot twice (in brownies) and haven't done any other experimenting to speak of. But I am seriously interested in trying a deprivation tank. There are a few within driving distance, I'll have to check that out and plan a trip. No pun intended.
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Old 03-06-2015, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by jerri11 View Post
Hi Steve and welcome to SR.

Fascinating discussion. I'm probably a bit of an oddball in that I've only ever had pot twice (in brownies) and haven't done any other experimenting to speak of. But I am seriously interested in trying a deprivation tank. There are a few within driving distance, I'll have to check that out and plan a trip. No pun intended.
Hey thanks Jerri good to be here! There's nothing odd about that; you're very sensible for keeping a clear head. You should try it! I haven't personally but have only heard good things.
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Old 03-08-2015, 08:38 AM
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Acid was my DOC. Problem there was I spent too much time trying to find the answers of life inside myself and not with other humans. I stopped developing social skills needed to survive and cope in this world. In the end I was left feeling lost and lonely. I won't go into my alcohol dependence here, that was my attempt to fit in.
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Old 03-08-2015, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Tang View Post
Acid was my DOC. Problem there was I spent too much time trying to find the answers of life inside myself and not with other humans. I stopped developing social skills needed to survive and cope in this world. In the end I was left feeling lost and lonely. I won't go into my alcohol dependence here, that was my attempt to fit in.
Same with me. It's very easy to crawl into a shell when your "shell" feels like the right place to be. You can be a complete shut-in wasting time and brain and yet you can feel like some kind of monk or higher being. Odd state if affairs, that. I never felt so lonely as I did during my acid phase. Even being with people didn't help because we were all whacked out and unable to hold conversations so I felt just as alone.
How are you doing now, Tang? Did you find you were able to help your social problems through time and effort?
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Old 03-08-2015, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Stevemcqueen View Post
Same with me. It's very easy to crawl into a shell when your "shell" feels like the right place to be. You can be a complete shut-in wasting time and brain and yet you can feel like some kind of monk or higher being. Odd state if affairs, that. I never felt so lonely as I did during my acid phase. Even being with people didn't help because we were all whacked out and unable to hold conversations so I felt just as alone. How are you doing now, Tang? Did you find you were able to help your social problems through time and effort?
Yes absolutely. I have a very social job. I will always be an introvert, but th at ok. I can cary on just fine now. Just have to keep my drinking from coming back
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Old 03-08-2015, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Tang View Post
Yes absolutely. I have a very social job. I will always be an introvert, but th at ok. I can cary on just fine now. Just have to keep my drinking from coming back
That's great to hear, makes me a lot more optimistic about my own situation. Also great to hear you're keeping off drink, keep it up!
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