ipaidwithmylife

Hi, so I just did some more thinking about my alcohol-abuse and realised it's been a problem for longer than I thought. I mistakingly assumed it was only a year an a bit, but now I know that's not the case. Just two years ago, at ninenteen, I already got drunk like nine times a year, which to me is disturbing.

The thing I'm wondering about is, why didn't I see this red flag sooner? I could've prevented so much.

The other thing I realised is that I keep blaming others for what I did, like my dad for not hiding his stash of beer, my doctor for not having time to see me, when I had liver-complaints ( if she would've told me to quit, I would have.), even my mom(who is the last to promote drugs and is such a smart woman.) for sending me to a party and hereby causing me to relapse, after succesfully having been sober for about a month. Did anyone else do this? I'm just curious. I know it's all on me, in the end, but it's like I can't cope.

LonelyShadow

Here's what's important right now

1. You realise you have a problem
2. You know you cannot drink

Hindsight can get you questioning the past until you're blue in the face. Focus on the future, you have a bright one ahead of you

GracieLou

I did. I didn't blame them for the drinking, I blamed them for the stress they put on me and that in turn caused me to drink so I could cope with it.

I know now that "the stress" is really just life. I have to work, pay bills, clean my house, shop etc.

The everyday life things felt like they were a mountain of things I needed to do daily, weekly or monthly and the ever popular "I need a drink" was always my solution to those problems.

They were not problems, that is just life on life's terms.

Of course anything other than the regular problems, the car broke down, kids fighting, relationship issues were all an excuse for me to even drink more, it was again my solution to every situation, problem, stress but it was also my solution to fun.

Got a raise, drink! Sunny day, drink! Day off work, drink!

It was my go to for everything good or what I perceived as bad.

When I hit my wall after 25 years it felt like only a couple years away from when I started but I see now that the red flags were there from the start, I just didn't see them or if I did, I drank them away again.

Mine started with weekends, then a couple days a week, then to everyday, then to drinking and remaining drunk the entire weekend. It is progressive. It does not get better or easier. We just slip farther into denial. What I once said I wouldn't do or wasn't doing, I was doing five years later so I just lowered the bar, again.

At some point, the bar can't go any lower and everyone's bottom is different.

Glad you are here and seeking help. Keep moving forward.

Dee74

I think a lot of us had a good deal of denial and a total reluctance to take responsibility - you're in very good company.

The important thing tho is today - not yesterday, not tomorrow but today...it's the only day we can really do any thing above ipaidwithmylife

Don't get stuck in the past beating yourself up

D

mns1

Lashing out always seems like the first choice of action to take for many when they are faced with a problem or challenge in life, because it's the easy way to cope. I know I've been there. But it never got me anywhere. It wasn't until I stepped up and started taking responsibility for my own life that I started to see positive changes.

I agree with Dee, today is all you have. Now what are you going to do with it?

Soberwolf

Hi Ipaidwithmylife i agree with LS & D theres times i look back and think the same

Today is what is important and what we can do to change that will make the diffrence

BernieE

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our choices and actions. The past is gone. What happened, happened. Done. Over. What about today? What choices will you make? What actions that support a better, sober life?

LBrain

I knew I had a problem for a while. I just figured I could control it. I was going to slow down after the holidays and get better for 2014. I waited too long. Something happened that changed the game for me. Now I realize I can never ever drink again.
Once you sober up, go back over your life - take inventory as they say. After seeing my past I realized -- wow. I can never drink again. Bottom line for me.

Anna

I think that the power of denial in our disease is huge. When I look back at my thinking during my drinking years, I can't believe how I could rationalize and justify my actions, but I did.

Jillian2563

Welcome! Glad you are here!

I'm only on day 10 and don't have much advise, but if I was 19 again, I would tell myself to never start drinking. I'm 30 and have been drinking regularly for 8+ years. It's been hard to quit.

Now is the time for you to quit. You don't want to waste ten years of your life like I did.