FreeOwl

Not if the addictive mind is doing the thinking and the talking.

My guess is that leading up to this 'no big deal' has been a quiet and sneaky campaign of takeover from the AV.

That's the only way I could see it being 'no big deal'.

Hell, even as I read this I've been aware of a just-below-the-surface thought stream from my own AV;

'SEE!?! It's totally doable!! No big deal!! Hell we can easily just have a few here and there. It's been over a year so clearly we don't have a 'problem''

How insane......

Charliee

It's " a big deal" but I'm not going to discredit all I have done over the past two years either. I know where this is heading if i don't fix it now. Soon I will be able to look at this as a mistake that actually didn't ruin my life sgain

Carlotta

I forgot if you went to AA or did something else Charliee but what's your next step (aside from putting down the drink?)
I relapsed after 5 years and it took me like 6 years to get back into recovery. I just have a little over 2 years now and hearing your relapse really shook me (although you had been sharing your struggle quite a bit). I really hope you can get right back in.
The reason I am asking for your next step is that you had been struggling for a bit so there was something somewhere which were not being addressed. Only you knows what it is or can figure out that unmet need.
Anyway, I pray that you stick around. Don't do what I did. Life might not be always peachy but it is still much better sober or like I have heard: life doesn't get always better but we get better at life.

((hugs))

EndGameNYC

Don't do what I did, Charliee. Stop now before the damage takes away everything else.

Sometimes the amount of sober time we accumulate is important, and sometimes not so much.

Among the worst things that I've done to myself was to pick up the drink after twenty five years without. It wasn't the time so much as it was the life I'd built for myself while I was sober, a project that was twenty five years in the making. I threw it all away very quickly, and I chose not to look back. And there it is. The conscious decision and the necessary actions to build a better life in sobriety. Otherwise, why get sober?

It took me about three years to put down the drink this time, displacing my getting sober the first time as the most difficult thing in my life, to say nothing of the damage I did to myself and to those I ostensibly cared about. A complete and utter nightmare with no hope for redemption. I got sober this time very much in spite of myself.

When I'm sober, I don't at all think or act the way I do when I'm drinking. But when I'm drinking, I am precisely what I do while I'm drinking, and not some "deep-down-inside" good guy. Claiming to "have potential" as a human being or anything else is for people who never succeed at anything meaningful in their lives. It's for people who are much better at talking than they are with doing. I am what I do, and I am what I'm doing while I'm becoming the person I can be.

Having experienced -- no, having worked so hard for -- sobriety, my choice to drink now would not be to have a break from reality, an attempt to relax by separating from myself from my anxiety or depression, or succumbing to a power greater than myself. All those things are window dressing for a condition that essentially demands that we identify and put to good use the courage and strength within ourselves to overcome it. The words 'can't' and 'won't' are not part of the lexicon of recovery. They are words we use when we allow our fears to overcome us. And when we allow our fears to overcome us, all of our nightmares come true.

Holding on to personal principles as a reason (rationalization) to avoid getting treatment is only a flimsy, transparent defense. And who cares what other people will think if you do what's necessary to save your life?

For me, drinking again would be nothing short of choosing to be that ugly person I know I can be. To think differently is a lie. If I care at all to know what I'll be like or who I'll be should I pick up the drink again, I need only refer to my destructive past.

Soberwolf

Sorry to hear this Charliee dont continue drinking you got sober for 2 years for a reason

Here for you bud

fini

nothing major, you say.
that's in reference to the amount.
i don't think the amount is all that important, or really even important at all.
what is major is the fact of going back to drinking.

leaving all other words and thoughts and extraneous stuff aside, when you sit with that, maybe you'll see it's not minor.

I'm just a little bit of a rebel, tell me not to do something I want to do it all the more.

yes, well...this makes me smile in recognition; i used to think i was being a rebel when i did the opposite of what i was told/asked to do. but of course i wasn't a rebel at all, just making a predictably reactionary moves

sugarbear1

we are never cured.

we need a new solution and there are several available!

Charliee

I'm feeling really good tonight. I have done some soul searching and I know what I have to do. It means working on myself and finding that happy place. The problem is that I have never really felt that I deserved it and that comes from a very insecure childhood built with violence and alcoholism. I have never really felt good enough for this world.

matilda123

Charliee, I can really relate to what you said here about a violent and insecure childhood. I am very early on in this recovery process and I've made some mistakes (I recently chose to drink after five months of sobriety, five months in which I was feeling so great). It was a poor decision, one based on a desire to temporarily stamp out pain.

I suppose one of the most challenging parts about drinking is that for many of us by the time we stop drinking, the drinking seems like the problem--and of course it often is.But, there are still the underlying issues (for me, childhood trauma is a big one) that started us drinking in the first place. Those things don't go away; indeed, they often come bubbling up to the surface when we put down the bottle. It makes me realize that I need a plan for that.

Sending you good thoughts, Charliee, and lots of support. 2 years is terrific, and I admire your accomplishment.

Charliee

Thanks Matilta! I appreciate your help and kind words. That's what will get me through this and I will!!

Aellyce

I also relate to the childhood insecurities and subsequent damage to self-esteem, unrealistic expectations from myself, etc... and maladaptive behaviors. I've worked through these and worked on these a lot when I was younger and I thought I pretty much settled that phase of my life and the consequences, but when I'm honest with myself, there is still stuff that has not been processed appropriately and that's causing me weirdness I don't even understand myself (and am not always aware of). So I'm trying to work on these now again. It's actually very interesting for me to do it with some help especially.

If you read these boards, you find lots of similar stories, it's really quite common even though each of us tend to feel we are unique (and uniquely flawed) in some ways. This is what I usually sense in your posts here also... that you keep coming back talking to us about your temptations to drink, your loneliness etc... but never actually say much more. While for some reason I feel there is a ton more there about you (well there always is, we all typically show only the tip of the iceberg).

What I am thinking is that you clearly have some appreciation for this forum and like to check in every now and then. And now you admit to having underlying difficulties. So maybe say a little more, talk about some of these here? You can see that many people do, and there is always a tremendous amount of nearly unconditional support here, and lots of great advice, always many that can relate in some ways from personal experience.

Saliena

Good luck. When I first started I had enough white chips to line a wall. It is hard.

Charliee

It's really hard for me to share, my mom really encouraged me to lie and keep a secret. I never wanted to be me and I spent years being who I thought others wanted me to be. It worked for a really long time and then i fell flat on my face and spent 4 years like that.

I don't know how to fix me or if it is even possible anymore.

matilda123

Charliee, I think a lot of folks who grew up in chaotic or violent hones were taught to lie and pretend that things are okay when they aren't. I know that I was. One of the beauties of being adults is that we don't have to be fearful of the repercussions if we speak out; we can give a voice to that silenced child.

I have been in and out of therapy for years and often thought it wasn't working because the trauma of my childhood and young adulthood didn't go away. But one realization I've had is that it doesn't go away. I know that sounds depressing, but honestly it was a true relief to realize that being better didn't mean not having those painful memories. Rather, it meant learning to live with them and to take care of myself-both the child and the adult. While drinking temporarily might seem to relieve pain, it didn't fix that pain and caused me new problems.

I honestly do not believe it is too late for any of us. I've read amazing stories of recovery here that have inspired me and taken my breath away. We deserve not just to survive, Charliee, but also to thrive.

Wishing you warrior woman strength.

EndGameNYC

What I think is a very good book on this subject is Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child.

"Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood."

''Many people suffer all their lives from this oppressive feeling of guilt, the sense of not having lived up to their parents' expectations. This feeling is stronger than any intellectual insight they might have, that it is not a child's task or duty to satisfy his parents needs. No argument can overcome these guilt feelings, for they have their beginnings in life's earliest periods, and from that they derive their intensity and obduracy."

The cycle can be broken.

Charliee

I get this horrible pit in my stomach, I feel anxious, nervous and even a bit of a feeling of dread. It can be money, my kids grades or work . This is the same feeling I remember having a lot as a child. Alcohol helps thus feeling go away

itstheone

Sober Date: 03/06/2015

: /

why? you can feel "it" get a hold of you? what is "it"..after 2 years?

Dee74

Only it doesn't make it go away...it just stuffs it in a side cupboard somewhere...

and eventually. sooner or later it's back there again in your head roaming free & requires more self medication on your part.

Over time It gets bigger and bigger and no matter how much more we medicate, the cupboard door doesn't quite shut anymore.

wouldn't it be nice not to have It charliee?

to me that's what recovery is all about - facing the things in us we used to drink over and healing ourselves, not just pushing things to one side for a hour or two.

D

ScottFromWI

It might help the feeling go away for a short time, but the issues are still there. And instead of being there to help your kids work on their grades, or work on money issues or anyting else, you are simply drunk while everyone else tries to fix things without you. You also become an additional burden to them with your drinking. And finally there is the shame and guilt and hangovers the next day.

There are solutions to all of the problems you face, but drinking alcohol is not one of them.

FreeOwl

In my experience.... When doing the work of active sobriety - that pit goes away and is replaced by an opening of lightness into a life of joy.