i am a f-ing mess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 9
i am a f-ing mess
long story short we met at a dealers house we fell madly in love, have a habit, never put a foot down nor forward, feell useless, sick and tired of trying explaining repeating <god the repeating> the hating the loving the forgiving the forgetting the non-encouragement, the no one putting a foot forward to the ending of a discsussion gone askew to end up one leaving, leaving the one who never meant for it to go that far left.
the absolute worst case scenario ever....
and now we are talking he is sober i am not i wanna be but there is the fact of him being at the bottom/middle of america. and me direct upper mid coast he left the state and wants me to join him where he is on his terms but understanding we want the samething except i want 1on1 individual therapy he completely opposes and i am not comfortable with the facing ultamatim and i am scaring myself with the amount of over-whelming amounts of loss that this summer has kicked my a-- with and i am now having to lose more than i am in the right mind to contemplate. and absolutely sick to death of feeling like i am stuck and he did it. he's so great and happy while he doesn't realize what he did to me and it makes me wanna die. like die die when he composes the offer of "just come here and everything will be great in the place "where evil never touches you"
the same place he came from a herion user at 13.....oh yeah thats not evil...
fearing that i willl just say F-it and go where this man's never nor wanted to ever go before....
that being the user that believe's "rehab's for quitters"
and baby i really don't wanna be him.
ANYONE THAT HAS A CLUE HOW TO HELP I AM ALL EARS!!!!!!
SOONER THE BETTER REALLY!
the absolute worst case scenario ever....
and now we are talking he is sober i am not i wanna be but there is the fact of him being at the bottom/middle of america. and me direct upper mid coast he left the state and wants me to join him where he is on his terms but understanding we want the samething except i want 1on1 individual therapy he completely opposes and i am not comfortable with the facing ultamatim and i am scaring myself with the amount of over-whelming amounts of loss that this summer has kicked my a-- with and i am now having to lose more than i am in the right mind to contemplate. and absolutely sick to death of feeling like i am stuck and he did it. he's so great and happy while he doesn't realize what he did to me and it makes me wanna die. like die die when he composes the offer of "just come here and everything will be great in the place "where evil never touches you"
the same place he came from a herion user at 13.....oh yeah thats not evil...
fearing that i willl just say F-it and go where this man's never nor wanted to ever go before....
that being the user that believe's "rehab's for quitters"
and baby i really don't wanna be him.
ANYONE THAT HAS A CLUE HOW TO HELP I AM ALL EARS!!!!!!
SOONER THE BETTER REALLY!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: texas
Posts: 117
Hi Ballofanxiety,
Welcome to SR...there'll be a lot of folks coming by soon to help you. All I can say is that having an intimate relationship with someone is supposed to have some positive moments to balance out the negative moments. It doesn't sound like you're having enough positive moments.
Stay with us and tell us what is going on.
Welcome to SR...there'll be a lot of folks coming by soon to help you. All I can say is that having an intimate relationship with someone is supposed to have some positive moments to balance out the negative moments. It doesn't sound like you're having enough positive moments.
Stay with us and tell us what is going on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: texas
Posts: 117
Hi Ballofanxiety,
I see what you're saying...I wish I could help you, but only you can decide if what you are doing right now is good for you. From where I am...it looks like you're doing all the work and paying a huge price...and your s/o is stringing you along. I wish to be wrong about this...but that's the way your posts appear to me.
Stick around...others will come by and try to help as best they can.
I see what you're saying...I wish I could help you, but only you can decide if what you are doing right now is good for you. From where I am...it looks like you're doing all the work and paying a huge price...and your s/o is stringing you along. I wish to be wrong about this...but that's the way your posts appear to me.
Stick around...others will come by and try to help as best they can.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Theres much help here once you decide what you want. If you want support wit the codependancy issues family and friends has years of experience of members who love addicts. If you want to seek support to kick or stop using the Narcotics Anonymous forum or substance abuse forums may help.
Although you may feel upset and anxious there is hope.. we do recover.
Although you may feel upset and anxious there is hope.. we do recover.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 9
i wonder now about the ability to "unconsider him" like he did and does to me?
i feel like i am in a shame spiral and i don't feel this horrible ever and i so don't treat anyone in that manner. so how to i not consider other people's feelings?
i feel like i am in a shame spiral and i don't feel this horrible ever and i so don't treat anyone in that manner. so how to i not consider other people's feelings?
sparkling hazeleyes
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
((((Ballofanxiety))))
I don't have a lot of words of wisdom for you. When I read your post and saw die three times, I got really concerned. I made a terrible mistake last week that could have cost me my life. Please don't say you want to die.
Hazeleyes
I don't have a lot of words of wisdom for you. When I read your post and saw die three times, I got really concerned. I made a terrible mistake last week that could have cost me my life. Please don't say you want to die.
Hazeleyes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 9
Originality does not consist in saying what noone has ever said before, but in saying exactly what you think yourself.
James Stephen
taken from http://www.yanta.net//
James Stephen
taken from http://www.yanta.net//
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 9
Everyone On This Site Needs This Link!!!! Before enlightenment chop wood and carry water.
After enlightenment chop wood and carry water.
Zen koan
http://www.yanta.net//
http://www.yanta.net//
After enlightenment chop wood and carry water.
Zen koan
http://www.yanta.net//
http://www.yanta.net// Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Hi Boa, all I can say is follow your own heart on this one....anxiety usually comes because we haven't made up our minds and accept what we feel as our own personal feelings with the guts to do what we feel about it. Just continue to think on it---you will do what you believe is best for you---I know my AH was/is practically the same way---he is believing that we can start all over again--at the very begining like, hi, my name is " ". is he crazy----I have almost 12 years that could be categorized a "being wasted" and he acts as if nothing problematic has really happened here. He is in prison for the 5th time and just got out 2 years ago from an 8.5 sentence...but in his mind, everything is o.k.---they fine for him for him to be able to cope...but for me---I just can't do it captain.....my time with him is over----he has to do another 10 years....what the heck am I supposed to do with that---I am not Mandella's wife...27years is much to long and then for her to divorce him anyway after that.
Things will work out even if you have to try and then try again. Opportunity to change your mind is usually always available.
Things will work out even if you have to try and then try again. Opportunity to change your mind is usually always available.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: texas
Posts: 117
Hi Ballofanxiety,
The link you sent over was enlightening. I was thinking that maybe it would be helpful if you called a family member or friend and let them know that you are seeking help. Don't you think that's a good idea?
The link you sent over was enlightening. I was thinking that maybe it would be helpful if you called a family member or friend and let them know that you are seeking help. Don't you think that's a good idea?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 9
thank you all for responses
it is more than i am getting from <DRUNNER>
ALL HE CARES ABOUT is whjat time he's gonna get up rather than extend any help my way cuz he is in Mercedes, Texas.
so he cant and wont. joy i love tur love. ????i am wondering if it is what it is......or what i think it is...............
i've gone from i wanna die to i want him to rot inside. figuratively speaking.
i called a hopeline that gave up on me. but i have a friend who is knowledgable in the worlds that are supernatural and ancient egyptian who is calling to reach out a hand which i am now going to his apt. to recieve the tools that his woman left for him to give to me to rid negative energy from my house and hopefully me.
it is not black revengeful magic it's not magic. sorry to all the bible beatin folk but i see different ways.
i also deeply believe in kharma and am not wanting to seek revenge like previously noted in this reply. it is a passing feeling that reoccurs but is not followed up on. it is not in my way of dealing with a problem.
as for <drunner> his phone since our non-helpful unable to understand me way has been shut off for the night once again his way of shutting me out.
i am moving forward not too scared but remorseful of the life i saw in my future dwindle into black. ie: forty years from now me and <dR> on a porch swing being randy old men. devoted as ever to one another. sadness for me remorse for his blindness.
love for all of you and am continuing to change and i will share how iam getting along with those who want to know.
by the way b4 calling 1-800784-2433 reconsider another helpline........
hopless but hopeful
k
ALL HE CARES ABOUT is whjat time he's gonna get up rather than extend any help my way cuz he is in Mercedes, Texas.
so he cant and wont. joy i love tur love. ????i am wondering if it is what it is......or what i think it is...............
i've gone from i wanna die to i want him to rot inside. figuratively speaking.
i called a hopeline that gave up on me. but i have a friend who is knowledgable in the worlds that are supernatural and ancient egyptian who is calling to reach out a hand which i am now going to his apt. to recieve the tools that his woman left for him to give to me to rid negative energy from my house and hopefully me.
it is not black revengeful magic it's not magic. sorry to all the bible beatin folk but i see different ways.
i also deeply believe in kharma and am not wanting to seek revenge like previously noted in this reply. it is a passing feeling that reoccurs but is not followed up on. it is not in my way of dealing with a problem.
as for <drunner> his phone since our non-helpful unable to understand me way has been shut off for the night once again his way of shutting me out.
i am moving forward not too scared but remorseful of the life i saw in my future dwindle into black. ie: forty years from now me and <dR> on a porch swing being randy old men. devoted as ever to one another. sadness for me remorse for his blindness.
love for all of you and am continuing to change and i will share how iam getting along with those who want to know.
by the way b4 calling 1-800784-2433 reconsider another helpline........
hopless but hopeful
k
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 9
it's 3:20 am and i just got back from my friends house who actually helped me out tremendously and while i was there i was able to recieve the message that i haven't actually grasped. 
is not how i feel about myself. and i realized why i need to stay where i am and that moving to B.F.e. is not the answer for me it is his. I knew that it was his and not mine just did't have the details finalized within. I found instead of feeling like a tool i actually have the tools and i am glad. i HAVE my purpose! so there. Snr. Runner
next--kick the **** on my own, thank you for support from the people who read this post and responded to it more so!! needed the kind words and now i can be able to find joy again as well.
keep you posted...k
is not how i feel about myself. and i realized why i need to stay where i am and that moving to B.F.e. is not the answer for me it is his. I knew that it was his and not mine just did't have the details finalized within. I found instead of feeling like a tool i actually have the tools and i am glad. i HAVE my purpose! so there. Snr. Runnernext--kick the **** on my own, thank you for support from the people who read this post and responded to it more so!! needed the kind words and now i can be able to find joy again as well.
keep you posted...k
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: texas
Posts: 117
Hi Ballofanxiety,
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of rejection from your s/o. I'm glad to hear you're questioning his end of the relationship. He's certainly not worth dying/killing for. Don't ever invest that much into a relationship. It's not healthy for either party. And you have a friend to confide in...wonderful! Don't fret about what anyone thinks of your tactics for clearing the negative thoughts out of your life. You do what works for you. You DO have the tools you need to get through this and you'll feel a lot better if you keep unloading all of the negative energy. Keep posting. We're listening. There are also other forums that you can release in and get lots of support and knowledge from excellent people who have walked in your shoes. :heart:
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of rejection from your s/o. I'm glad to hear you're questioning his end of the relationship. He's certainly not worth dying/killing for. Don't ever invest that much into a relationship. It's not healthy for either party. And you have a friend to confide in...wonderful! Don't fret about what anyone thinks of your tactics for clearing the negative thoughts out of your life. You do what works for you. You DO have the tools you need to get through this and you'll feel a lot better if you keep unloading all of the negative energy. Keep posting. We're listening. There are also other forums that you can release in and get lots of support and knowledge from excellent people who have walked in your shoes. :heart:
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