NearSyncope

When reading and talking to people in 12-step programs I often hear them talk about stopping self-pity and not "feeling sorry for yourself." This has always been very confusing to me. For example... I've heard people tell a man who had lost his wife and was grieving hard, that he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself. Isn't grieving normal in that type of situation, or for humans in general when we suffer a major loss or trauma? To say that to someone in that type of situation, to me seems dismissive, minimizing and stigmatizing. I don't understand where the line is between experiencing normal human grief and pain, and "feeling sorry for yourself."

When I've been in crisis recently and struggling with major trauma, and expressed that I truly felt worthless and hopeless, I've been told to stop feeling sorry for myself. In the books I've been reading about trauma, addiction, and codependency, and meetings I've been to, they talk about the importance of recognizing the traumas that happened to you and grieving everything you've lost... But they also talk about not self-pitying or feeling like a victim. I don't understand where one of these things ends and the other begins. I'm very confused, which seems to be my constant state of mind these days. Can anyone give me their opinion on what "feeling sorry for yourself" means?

ScottFromWI

I would say that the difference is that self-pity is using grief as an excuse to not do other things in your life. Grieving the loss of a loved one for example is a very real thing that we all go through. But using grief as a reason to not take care of ourselves or our lives, or to keep drinking over an extended period of time would count as self pity in my book.

biminiblue

I lost everyone in my family - they were all older and have died. I also quit my job. My best friend of 20 years had a mental breakdown, cheated on her husband and became a thief. I decided to walk away from the friend. My 15-year pet died. The last family death and the other stuff all within a year. I was pretty devastated. I started drinking after an 18 year sobriety. I just wanted some relief and some fun, and I was lonely.

Fast forward five years and I went to AA for the first time. I knew I needed to stop drinking and I wanted to find sober friends. Part of the sobering up process caused all the past hurts to come up in a pretty intense way. I cried. A lot. In meetings and at other times. The reaction was twofold. Some people were very compassionate and kind. God bless their souls. That is the core of AA, caring and helpful people.

Some people - not at all. I had one guy in my "home" group who kept giving me passages to read from AA literature about victim stuff. The first time I met him, (and I was talking about the above) he says - "We all have problems. You're too sensitive." Even months later, when I had stopped crying long ago, he still was stuck on that crying thing. His issue. Now that I know him, I know he takes everyone's inventory all the time.

Grief is a process. We move in and out of the different stages sometimes for a long time. Each person has to go through it after a loss. No one can rush it or ignore it - it just is.

Those who try to pigeonhole me - or anyone who is dismissive of my experience or who wants to give advice on "closure" is someone who I don't spend any time with. I'm not a big complainer because I know that complaining gets me advice. I don't really need advice. I am perfectly capable of handling my emotions. The extreme emotional thing was purely a result of alcohol withdrawal and as time has gone by without the alcohol I have dealt with my losses. I do know that for me the alcohol intensified the negative thoughts I had about everything, including my basic belief that everything was going to be okay. I absolutely couldn't see that when I was drinking.

I have no control over those losses I experienced. I do have control over how much suffering I choose to do because of them - and I have 100% control over to whom I tell my story and with whom I spend time. I can accept people as who they are as flawed human beings like myself when they say something with which I don't agree. When I was drinking, and even for the first couple months after I quit - I didn't see it that way. It takes sobriety and a functioning brain and heart to heal those places in myself.

LBrain

AA is just a group of people. some are extreme and some not.
they are not trained professionals. They want to help. and to very many there is only one answer to a lot of questions, in the black and white aspect of things.

There are 19 shades of blue in the Crayola box of 120 crayons. The person you are describing will not be able to differentiate between them. He will only see blue crayons. They are all "just blue" to him.