StellaPolaris

...coming back to SR, head bowed, shaking and sweating after a 3-month relapse.

I just read that you're a different person every time you try to get sober after a relapse. Right on the money in my case, last time I was full of optimism and hope for the future, this time all I can say is "Meh... Just get me through the next 40 years without me dying from boredom". Life just seems like an endless number of hours I have to fill with something other than counting seconds.

Wow, I really hope this is alcohol-induced depression. Will know in a few days.

Anyhow - day 1.

felodese

Hello Stella
I can relate. I dont want to spend the next however many years just trying not to drink and fill my time. I have found new things to do but I can't seem to enjoy anything. I do hope its temporary for us both.

FreeOwl

It feels that way now because the booze has you beat.

Life is unbelievably beautiful and rich with wonder and experience beyond your booze-addled imagination.

If you can summon the strength to take the steps to freedom, you will find out.....

Welcome back

Esspee

Welcome back

If you spend the next 40 years bored and endlessly counting then the drink has still won. You need to kick it's butt and show it who's boss.

I'm only a month in to not drinking and have started to have the most wonderful time. Hang on in there , it is worth it

Dee74

Welcome back Stella

there's no reason why this time can't be 'The Time'. Give it all you have

D

StellaPolaris

Thank you all. Always a mood-booster to come to SR.

I'm currently working on finding my passion, I need something to lose myself in.

Grateful for the "Need something to do?"-thread.

IOAA2

Alcohol seems to control our “thinking” for a long time after we stop using it.

Since I stopped drinking years ago boredom was never a problem for me because I immersed myself in the program and was very seldom bored at meetings. For the most part things, me, got much better when I stopped resisting many suggestions and let go of my alcohol induced thinking patterns, and live.

I don’t recall 1 minute a NA winter I spent on New Zealand and all the great meetings I attended which led to meeting wonderful people and seeing landscapes that were spectacular. It goes on and on if we don’t drink and follow a program which leads to long term sobriety, it’s your choice.

BE WELL

anattaboy

Sobriety has proved to be just as progressive as the drunkenness for me and at about the same pace. It's gradual but that's how everything in life IS learned, settled into. Instant change was always a lie. At 3/4 of a year I can look back and see some very real incremental change. You will too. Welcome back!

doggonecarl

You haven't shared the details of your relapse, but it must have been pretty horrific to drive you back to SR and a try at sobriety. Why, in your mind, it the only alternative to that horror and misery of drinking boredom?

It doesn't have to be. Boredom is self induced. And you can fix it yourself.

ubntubnt

I agree that it seems different returning after a relapse. Last few months was my first time off the booze in a long time. Giving it up was really tough. Thought about it day and night. Awful cravings, counting each hour etc. Relapsed for a week last week and a few days sober again now (can't be bothered to count this time). This time I am just sick and tired of it. I don't want it in my life anymore. No cravings, no BS. Just not doing that again.

SoberLeigh

^^^^ This, every word.

Sobriety is amazing - one of the best gifts I have been given - EVER.

Stick with it, StellaPolaris.

Try staying close to SR.

Cowgirlie

Welcome back x

StellaPolaris

I know, I know. Life can be great sober. I hate to come here and be a downer. This whole "What's the meaning of life"-thing is something I've always struggled with. Drinking just makes it worse (I used to og to pubs alone, talk to random people about philosophy, religion and life in general, and by the end of the evening they typically wanted to hit me or hug me.). I probably read too much, think too much and definitely have been drinking too much.

I've been googling alcohol and depression today, but I'm still not sure what's causing what. No real triggers I can work on, just general boredom and a feeling that this is all pointless.

These past months it seems that the only seconds I feel happy daily is the time between locking my apartment door and opening that first beer. Last time I got sober because those few seconds were miserable, and drinking almost felt like self-harming I guess.

GroundhogDay

Welcome back! I understand what you mean about struggling with the meaning of life, religion, and all that. I used to worry about that stuff a lot, but not anymore. I encourage you to keep searching for a spirituality that works for you. Maybe check out the Spirituality forum?

Cameron57

Welcome back. You can do this!

I'm only on day 2 but find myself thinking cooking and food are going to be a good way to burn some time....boredom=obsessing about drinking.

Sisterbobby

im on day 48 and time still crawls. I have my days. I suggest you buy knee pads to help soften the journey. We are here together and i hope you find the magic potion that will help you make the life changes that will fill your days with meaning..

Anna

Welcome back, Stella.

I know for me, the relapsing, did a lot of emotional damage on top of the damage my drinking had already caused. Have faith that you will get through this and feel better about your life.

StellaPolaris

Exactly what I've been thinking, and each relapse seems to make it a bit worse.

Sisterbobby

Or each relapse makes you more determined for recovery...

ScottFromWI

You may never find a concrete answer to that question, but it's pretty well documented that drinking will make depression worse.

Have you considered seeing a mental health professional about your depression? It is a very common and very treatable condition.